like last october and the one before that gotta go to human resources for talking in dracula
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I have seagull managers. They swoop in, screech like hell, shit all over everything, then fly away.
Random kids playing in park. Their parents to each other.
What was the point in making your car louder, bro?
Do you really want women to turn their heads and notice you drive a 1999 Honda Civic?
Car salesmen: Good evening
Me: TAKE IT EASY PAL I’M JUST LOOKING AROUND
New word: Biscgret.
Meaning: The feeling when someone offers you a biscuit and you refuse, and you spend the rest of your time with them secretly wishing you’d accepted the biscuit.
History teaches us that there have always been idiots making life hard for everyone else.
Have single guys scared of the “Friend Zone” even heard of long-term relationships or marriage?
One of the sharpest and earliest skills any woman will learn is how to make a twisty hat out of a towel that can last through hurricane force winds.
this is funnier than any friends episode
When I was younger, I never liked the monkey bars, because monkeys are mean drunks.
Well your honor, I thought handing her the curling iron while she was showering would get her ready faster.
[doctors exam]
“I’m feeling a lump here. Here’s another. You have several lumps.”
-uh oh, what does that mean doc?
“it means you’re fat”
Funny how the more time we spend at home, the more we look like homeless people.
No one ever hated their job on a Friday!
If smartphones existed in the 80’s, most of us would have a parole officer.
I just saw where some woman got paid $40 for brushing her teeth on Only Fans.
I will be opening an Only Fans account forthwith and just argue with people all day. That’s my only skill. Except I do know how to brush my teeth so I guess I could do that too.
The only time I’ve ever been a priority is when I paid extra for shipping.
Shaking random people on the street shouting ARE YOU THE SHY SISTER is the 2024 cinderella
My daughter told me I’m “slightly prettier than Ben Franklin,” so I have that going for me.
Is that a fresh botox treatment in your face or are you just surprised to see me?
I may be fat now, but you’re stupid forever.
Doing stand up comedy feels like I’m doing a book report on a book I didn’t read.
I meant to type : You’re dear to me.
I actually typed : You’re dead to me.
Losing friends is easy.
What a wicked game you play
To make me feel this way
What a wicked thing to do
Detective Pikachu
Mom: Hey, suddenly I can see your posts on Twitter now.
Me: Yeah, wow, that was so weird before when you couldn’t.
*visits new girlfriend’s house for 1st time*
“Make yourself at home”
Great. Thanks!
*I crawl into the closet and begin sobbing loudly*
I’m into the “girl next door” type. Until the restraining order takes effect and I have to move.
Then I’m into the “cute, angry girl that’s always 50ft away from me” type.
[to the tune of feliz navidad]
police are the cops
“See that guy over there? I have to serve him with papers today.”
-Oh really? Why?
“Because I lost my tennis racquet.”