like last october and the one before that gotta go to human resources for talking in dracula
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My dad was a failed magician & I have two half-sisters.
me: it’s our third date, you know what this means
him: *confidently* I think I do
me: *saves his number in my contacts*
April is Stress Awareness Month, as if I’m not aware of my stress the other eleven months out of the year.
If I tell you I can’t text you because I’m driving it’s only because I’m also eating.
I lost my composure in 1992. I haven’t seen it since.
1886: We invented a car!
1903: We invented a plane!
1969: We went to the moon!
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2015: Taco Emoji!
KANYE: I made Taylor Swift famous
TRUMP: We should ban all Muslims
KANYE: BILL COSBY INNOCENT
TRUMP: THE POPE SUCKS
KANYE: damn ur good
#parenting
I’m with North Korea when comes to being offended by James Franco and Seth Rogen.
My toddler stole bacon off my plate.
We all had a good laugh.
Then I made her move out.
*calls boss*
Me: I can’t come to work.
Boss: Why not?
Me: Gotham city needs me.
Boss: …You’re not Batman.
Me: Oh, yes, yes, exaaaactly.
I skipped leg day at the gym, but don’t worry I balanced it out by skipping arm day, chest day, ab day, and back day so I’m good to go.
LIFE HACK: If a public restroom is locked, violently yank the door handle over and over like a gorilla and never accept that it’s occupied
A taco bell would actually crack almost immediately so that’s a stupid name
I hate when my dog watches me pick up his shit, I feel like his bitch.
Your call is important to us…unless this is Bob again, calling to say ‘I CAN believe it’s not butter.’ We’re sick of your shit, Bob.
I don’t understand Christian heavy metal. Like why are they so angry for Jesus?
A new gel is being developed that could coat your stomach and stop you from getting intoxicated. It’s like the old saying “Gel before beer, you’re in the clear! Beer before gel, wait what the hell?”
*handing nurse a bedpan*
Me: I pooped in thisNurse: you’re not a patient here
There’s no gangsta way to say “Oopsie Daisy.” I know that now.
people say opposites attract but I say find a partner who’s deranged in the same ways you are and double your capacity to be annoying
*watches the world burn*
(Don’t) touch!
(Don’t) scream!
(Don’t) run!
(Don’t) fight!
(Don’t) pee here!
(Don’t) put that in your mouth!~ Toddler selective hearing
ME: Yeah, I’ve heard that movie.
FRIEND: You mean ‘seen’ that movie.
ME: Ha ha. No! I’m on twitter. I haven’t seen a movie in 3 years.
My mother-in-law said that we should stay an extra day if it’s too snowy to drive.
SOMEONE LEND ME A SALT TRUCK.
My anti theft device in my car is that it’s manual.
I call my job ‘Workle’ because it usually takes me 4 to 6 tries to get anything done.
*first date*
Guy: I like when a girl has curvesMe, taking off my Spanx: behold
Thank you corporation very cool
My kid’s latest drawing. Guys, should I be disturbed? I am disturbed.