Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

“i just followed a pigeon on TikTok,” i say to you as you are in the room with me but you are an alien from space and don’t understand and say “what?” and i point to my phone and say “i subscribed to a pigeon on my phone” and you’re like “ok? is it coming here?”

[at a chemistry convention]

Him: “You’re so-dium cute, but are you always this salty?”

Me: “Na, not always. Just periodically.”

So afraid of commitment I only play “Words With Acquaintances”.

lapland disappeared when finland got up from a chair

Deadpool was Green Lantern

Batman was Daredevil

Captain America was Human Torch

And we’re just gonna walk around like EVERYTHING is OK???

My 5yo asked me where his shoes were and when I told him I didn’t know he told me “that’s not a good enough answer daddy” so where is he keeping all that audacity?

I’m saving myself for marriage.

Sorry, FROM. Saving myself FROM marriage.

Lionel Richie: 🎶hello is it me you’re looking for?

caller: actually yes I’d like to speak to you about your car’s extended warranty

I love when you stroke my ego.

My ego is inside my panties.

My wife and I have decided we don’t want to have children.
So we are going to tell them tonight at dinner.

So my neighbor is baking apple pie, and I’m just sitting here waiting for her to put it on the windowsill

*spelling bee*
Me: b-e-e
Judge 1: No, sir, wait until we tell-
Me: B-E-E
Judge 2: I mean, he’s not wrong

someone is getting married down the street from me and their wedding geofilter works at my house

I hate it when I see an inflatable arm-flailing tube man and then I realize that he was actually flailing his arms at someone behind me.

[On phone]
“Did u see the weather forecast?”
“No. I refuse to be sucked in by Big Weather.”
“Where are you? Its so noisy.”
“IN A TORNADO.”

Her: Dude, back off. You’re totally scaring away all the hot guys checking me out at the gym.

Me: You do realize I’m your boyfriend right?

Me: Work until your bank account looks like a phone number.

Also me: No, $9.11 does not count.

Heard this in a movie…

What do you call a banana eating another banana? Cannibananalism. 😂

paramedic: [shining light into my eyes] what’s the last thing you remember

me: the question you just asked

Me: WHY AREN’T YOU CLEANING YOUR ROOM LIKE I ASKED?

My 6year old: You only asked once

I tried to cook beef Wellington. It was just beef Okayington

Question. How much fire is too much fire for your house to be on.

my friend trusts me to be around her boyfriend alone because i’m basically her scary father he’s forced to bond with to earn my respect

Pat Sajak: I’m Pat Sajak.

Me: Jack.

Pat Sajak: No, my last name is Sajak.

Me: Jack.

An ambulance just went down my road. Within seconds I went running outside to see where it stopped. I have become my parents.

Interviewer: where do you see yourself in 5 years

Me: punching a goose in its mouth

Interviewer: you know actually we’ve already filled the position

Me: *clenches fist* was it a goose

Jeff: i’m pro gun.

Me: i’m anti gun.

Greg: i’m vegan.

Me: i’m pro gun, now. Jeff, give me your gun.

Me: Now that I’m an adult, I can eat whatever I want.

Metabolism:

The last time I said I wanted to try missionary, she sent me to a remote village in Africa

Me: I spy with my little eye someone who is guilty.

Murder suspect: Me?

Me: Ahah, so you confess!