Like many men my age, my biggest regret is hiring the inexpensive hitman.
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ME: I guess you could say I’m your stolemate now lol
MY KIDNAPPER: Get out!
A router goes into a doctor’s office and says, “It hurts when IP.”
If we’re sharing dessert at a restaurant and you’re eating it at a quicker rate than me, I will kill you.
When life hits you hard, smile back at it and say: You hit like a girl.
I’m not an introvert; I’m just a very inept extrovert.
[1 AM]
BRAIN: Let’s play the insomnia game.
ME: Nope. *downs NyQuil*
BRAIN: How dare you…
ME: *drifts off*
BRAIN: Begin diarrhea subroutine!
JUDGE: how do you plead
ME: Whats the one where you killed a ton of people but you don’t want to tell anyone
JUDGE: not guilty
ME: that one
I’m so sick of answering questions about the age difference between my kids, so I’ve started telling people the oldest one came with the house.
Always remember –
If you’re having a conversation with somebody that doesn’t speak English, just talk louder.
Wrote a song and it goes a little something like this… Who put maple syrup on the caaaaat?
I had to spread a lot of dirt and mulch today. You know that comedic pratfall where someone leans a rake against a wheelbarrow and then steps on the tines and they get a face full of rake handle? That’s a real thing.
What do you get if you cross a monkey with an ape, and train it to always come back to you. A BABOOMERANGUTAN.
I really haven’t been feeling well since last night..here’s me and the hubby’s convo..
H- you’d better get to a doctor
Me: It hasn’t even been a full day
H: what? It’s been two days
Me: how do you figure?
H: today and yesterday
Me:
“I’m on my way.” -People who haven’t even left the house yet.
My wife got an organic, free-range, non-GMO, antibiotic-free turkey for Thanksgiving — and every one of those adjectives added 20 bucks.
[marriage counseling]
Wife: I just wish he wasn’t so clingy
Husband: YOU KNEW I WAS A BARNACLE, LINDA
Jesus Christ is trending? What the heck did he do THIS time?
If you’re wondering if toddlers are always listening, even though they’re never listening, 2B’s teacher stopped me today to let me know that instead of “thank you” she’s been saying “thanks, babe” for days.
Apparently the g-spot is located in a $1700 pair of Christian Louboutins.
If my memory gets any worse I’ll be able to plan my own surprise party
me: what do we say if a stranger tries to give us candy?
5:
me:
5: we say thank you
Dua Lipa is a fantastic singer AND Mario’s advice to Luigi when he wants to get on a slightly higher platform
My schedule in my 20s revolved around kids’ feeding, baths, and diapering. My schedule in my 30s revolved around kids’ school and activities. My schedule in my 40s revolves around my bladder.
Husband: Why is there a bucket on the roof?
6yo: what bucket? An orange bucket? I definitely wasn’t playing with an Orange bucket.
Husband: I never mentioned the color. 🧐And this, kids, is why we don’t talk to the police without a lawyer present 🤣
THIS is the sort of creativity we need at met galas and runways. I’m obsessed
My 5yo is demanding I tell him where he lived when mommy and daddy were kids
You have hopes and dreams. I have nopes and screams.
Here’s a little song I wrote about our child trying to make her own smoothie in the blender it’s called “Yogurt on the Ceiling, Bananas on the Wall” and a one and a two
Was going to do some writing on the porch but there’s a woman across the street lambasting her bf for cheating.
So now I’m just going to sit on the porch.
How come Ex-Lax never has coupons for a “Big Blowout Sale”???