Like many men my age, my biggest regret is hiring the inexpensive hitman.
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My sister borrowed my favorite shirt without asking again, so I changed her Facebook profile picture to a positive Clearblue pregnancy test.
I don’t know why I would want to “Keep Up” with them…
I don’t even know where Kardashia is.
(geography’s not my strong suit)
My doctor is always whispering to me something about not sticking Q tips in my ears. I need a louder doctor
The word “defenestration” means “to throw someone out a window.” Which means this happens so often we needed a word for it.
Maybe if Red Bull gave me buffalo wings i’d give a shit.
Someone once threw some herbs in my eyes. It didn’t blind me but I’m now parsley sighted.
You heard.
[at swimming pool]
Me: I remember being 25 years old and doing front flips off the diving board with no problem
EMT: *straps me to gurney* Well sir, you’re not 25 anymore
FRIEND [happily married]: Marriage is awful… I haven’t had sex in nearly a week
ME [regularly hugs freshly-printed paper just to feel a warm embrace]: Sucks to be you
Wife thinks I was present for every conversation she’s had with anyone, ever, and assumes I know what the hell she’s talking about right now
I am NOT a grammar Nazi!
I’m alt-write.
Just found out that “3 Men and a Baby” isn’t a movie about Jesus’s birth.
[me on a ledge]
COP: (through megaphone) WE’VE CALLED SOMEONE WHO CAN HELP!
*Kris Kross steps out of a police van*
scientist: don’t touch anything
me: [licked a petri dish already] got it
…20 minutes later
scientist: did you touch something
me: no
scientist: you’re changing colors just tell me what you touched and i’ll save you
me: [about to die] i didn’t touch anything i swear to god
Date – “I must admit, this is a really nice restaurant”
Me – 😎
…
Date – “why did you say sunglasses emoji?”
What the hell happened here.
[new guy gets shown around the office]
Me: Hi, I’m Dave
New guy: oh are you the Dave who loves cycling or the Dave who makes up random facts in the hope nobody will check them out?
Me: no, I’m the Dave whose grandfather invented suitcases
me: wanna hear a joke about a guy who questions everything
her: sure
me: why
My mom said I have a cousin twice removed and now I’m wondering how you can screw up so badly you get disowned two times.
[road trip]
DAUGHTER: I have to use the bathroom.
ME: *pulls into rest stop*
DAUGHTER: Thanks.
ME: Make sure you’re back in 5 minutes.
DAUGHTER: I will.
ME: We accidentally left your brother behind once.
DAUGHTER: I don’t have a brother.
ME: Exactly.
I wore a beanie hat in public and people kept trying to buy drugs from me. I made $1200 but now I’m out of breath mints.
[leading my blindfolded boyfriend through my messy apartment] isn’t this exciting babe?
*doesn’t eat, sleep enough, drinks too much alcohol* WHY DO I FEEL LIKE SHIT
What’s the worst that could happen? Tried my lady’s body lotion on my face and my face turned into a body, kept doing that hoping to bring back my face and that’s how I ended up 37 feet tall
“T.G.I.F!” – not Jesus, probably.
“Ladies, calm down. Girlfriend, wife, whatever. The important thing is that between the 2 of you, you brought enough to post my bail”
Her: You’re so skeptical of everything.
Me: I can’t believe you just said that.
I have the nicest shopping cart at Walmart- me flirting
My first day of student teaching my pants zipper broke. I stapled that bad boy shut… carefully.
Dentists are evil, they’re like reverse the tooth fairy because you’re broke after.
“Ah yes, well, the laws of quantum mechanics” is what I’m going to start saying, very pretentiously, when someone says something I don’t understand.