Like many of you, I dislike a chandelier, both in its entirety and its individual chandels.
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*a dog sits down at a roulette table and pushes his life savings in chips to the center*
Put it all on Grey
An important part of parenting is teaching conflict resolution for example, when my kid unplugged my watch to charge his phone, I unplugged his phone and hid it.
i’m not drinking 2% milk until we figure out what the other 98% is
Been yelling just awful things at people, trying to improve my chef skills.
I have a horrific story to share. I sauteed broccoli for dinner with extended family. We were almost done. I was about to eat my last bite. And I saw a caterpillar. I went to the pan. More caterpillars. By then it was too late. So, I said nothing. I fed my family caterpillars 😭
if my house is ever clean just know i must have murdered someone in there.
UPDATE: Twitter Reacts To The Scottish Independence Referendum #indyref #ScotlandDecides
familiarity breeds contempt yes but honestly what doesn’t
[checks Facebook & sees my 4th grade girlfriend has liked my hot chocolate recipe share]
ME: I knew she’d come crawling back to me one day
Its like grandma said,
You’re not crazy when you sleep
Kids: Why does dad still have to go to work if this virus thing is so serious?
Him: I’ve been working from home this whole week
Me: They haven’t looked up from their iPads since Monday
I think all the people named Shawn, Sean and Shaun should fight onto death and the winner gets to keep the name.
Flight Attendant: Is anyone on this plane a doctor
*Hands shoot up*
FA: …of love?
*I rise, resplendent in my leopard-print leisure suit*
At least he tried.. twice.. 😅
Wanna live a long life? Get married. I guarantee you’ll change your mind real quick.
Pony: “I love hay so much I-”
Dad: “Why don’t you marry it, ya big nerd?”
*pony grows up*
*becomes Horse Emperor*
*legalizes hay marriage*
My password is Superman Hulk Thor Goku, that’s the strongest password I can think of.
Cops have a new radar that lets them see through walls into our homes but imagine if this technology fell into the wrong hands! Oh wait…
Me, scrolling to find my birth year
A guy just made fun of me for buying wine coolers at the store. I’m wearing crocs with socks and that’s what you’re going to make fun of?
Is….Is this an option?
100% per cent of survey respondents said: help us get out of this tall tree. we didn’t know this survey involved being stuck in a tree
The fact that it’s still not legal to print your own money is bullshit.
Please hide my job in a piece of cheese or a spoonful of peanut butter
*Job interview
Him: Any special achievements?
Me: Yeah, my tweet got published on BuzzFeed
H: Alright, you’re hired
M: Really?
H: No.
[parent/teacher conference]
Teacher: Your son is reading four levels above his classmates.
Me: [peeling Elmer’s Glue off my palm] What?
Son?
“Yes dad?”
If they ever put me on my death bed… I want you to…
“Yes?”
Tell those idiots to put me on a life bed instead wtf
The rebound person you start flirting with post breakup really gets annoying real fast and that’s unfortunate for them
Meteorologist: FINALLY getting some cooler weather around here!
Me: Phew just in time for me to move my stepson to college on Monday.
Meteorologist: Except for Monday which will be 187 degrees.
STUDENT: Will there be a final?
PROFESSOR: Does a bear shit in the woods?
BEAR STUDENT: *from the back row* Thats none of your damn business