Like many of you, I dislike a chandelier, both in its entirety and its individual chandels.
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Sometimes I like to mess with my husband and say things like “Honey, please hand me a waffle knife” and watch him panic.
Billy Joel seems remarkably unfazed by the old man sitting next to him making love to his tonic and gin.
The cats activated the rainbow portal again
Me: So, what did you bring home from preschool today?!?
3yo: *sneezes*
You call it day drinking I call it very old grape juice in the morning
Sparkling homunculus??????? 🤣🤣🤣
I love it when my toddler falls asleep with sunglasses on it’s like my own personal weekend at bernie’s.
Four stages of my life:
1. Life is beautiful.
2. What is twitter?
3. Twitter is beautiful.
4. What is life?
The only wisdom that comes with age is knowing which stores have the nicer restrooms.
What if you told a lie to cover up your affair, and the lie was so good that 2000 years later people were still giving each other presents?
Everyone else: hold my beer
Me: *chugs beer* alright, let’s do this shit
proctologist: [removing three nerf darts] do I have to ask
me: no you can have them
Swim up bars combine my two favorite things. Drinking and peeing in hotel pools.
having children is great because just when you’re on the brink of insanity from overstimulation one of them will launch into an hour long educational session on pokemon
Commercial: You don’t want to come home from your vacation with Hep A or Hep B
Me: Hell ya I do
The person who made stabbing people illegal, clearly never slept next to someone who snores.
Who called it a licence to own small amphibians and not Permit the Frog.
I wonder if new batteries in my milk frother feels to my coffee and creamer what a fully charged vibra… you know what, never mind.
if i was the one who drove the titanic i bet i could have hit at least 3 ice bergs before it sank
Oh Magic 8-Ball, will anyone ever love me?
Accidentally deleted an invitation to join LinkedIn from a friend. I doubt I’ll ever get an opportunity like that again.
I feel like if one pizza roll bursts then they all join in for solidarity
If you didn’t want a bunch of dads to meander into your backyard, then you shouldn’t have revved up that chainsaw, Dale
Marriage: When dating goes too far.
am i a vampire? i :
– look great in black
– won’t come to your home unless formally invited
– avoid natural sunlight at all costs
– will die if stabbed through the heart with a stake
“I’m not even going to dignify that with a response”, she responded.
There are no kids named Durf if you’re looking for a void to fill.
Why do I keep finding a lone shoe when I’m out hiking? Did someone just choose to abandon their shoe and hop along the trail?
Listerine: ‘I kill 99.99% of the germs that cause bad breath!’
Germ: ‘So you’re telling me there’s a chance!’
I am not “living in fear”, I am “making reasonable efforts to not get COVID again because the first time I had it I ran a fever so high that I briefly met God and got to ask Him about His favourite wing sauce”, hope this helps