Like many people of my generation I was brought up to live my life believing in the virtue of delayed gratification.
I’m now in my 60s and it’s too soon to say whether it was worth it.
You Might Also Like
too old for tik tok, too young for facebook, too weird for linkedin, not weird enough for reddit, too ugly for instagram…where will i go now
*dipping a tortilla chip into an active volcano*
Me: This salsa is spicy
Sometimes it’s not about missing someone, it’s about reloading and trying again.
My neighbor is a real douche & always cheating on his wife, so I changed my wifi to KARL IS CHEATING ON YOU AMY for when she needs my wifi.
[after sex]
ME: that was…magnificently stupefying
HER: please put the thesaurus down
CASHIER: $57.85
ME: do u accept food stamps
C: of course
M: sweet *presses my apple stamper to an ink pad* which hand do u want it on
Her: Who ate all the ice cream?
Me: *blaming the dog* Reese
Her: What? How?
Me: Witherspoon
Before I get busy doing nothing, I am taking a 20 minute break.
Intelligence is the new cleavage
Jesus: He who is without sin may cast the first stone
*guy with no legs throws rock*
Jesus: Seriously?
“You said ‘without shins,’ right?”
Welcome to parenting class. First I will need you to walk barefoot across this floor strewn with legos. Now try to make a dog clean a bedroom. Finally take that pile of money and set it on fire. Congratulations. You’re ready. Here is your baby.
one thing the entire animal kingdom has in common is the face we make when our kid won’t shut up
Have the people who designed wine glasses ever washed dishes in their lives?
professor x: what’s ur superpower
me: hindsight
professor x: that won’t help us
me: yes i see that now
If not now, then when? If not you, then who?
— the pile laundry on my loveseat begging me to fold it
My chess strategy is to make a bunch of erratic moves at the beginning to throw my opponent off, & then lose the game
[at the animal shelter]
Volunteer: This cat would do best going to a quiet home with no children.
Me: Can I go with her?
My garden has produced some sick beets, some smashing pumpkins and some red hot chili peppers.
We go on tour in the fall.
Me: *being patted down* I can explain
Cop: *holding several ziplock bags filled with cheeto dust I had down my pants* this isn’t illegal but I’m listening
Once a lap dog, always a lap dog
Don’t check on your introverted friends this time of year. They’re probably turning their lights off and pretending they’re not home
4-year-old: Are hot dogs made from real dogs?
Me: Would you eat them if they were?
4: No!
Me:
4: Unless I had ketchup.
If history has taught us anything, it’s that fascism has always been fought against too quickly and too violently
Seems like an opportune time to resurface my favorite interview moment
Me *to person next on me on plane* I’m a nervous flyer, I’ll probably scream when we take off
Co-pilot: what
You’re on your deathbed. You gather the strength to utter your last words “Boxers with pockets,” you say. “You’ll never have to wear pants.”
Bruce Willis is at the supermarket, standing by the cucumbers & laughing hysterically, pointing at them with tears streaming down his face
I hate people that sit with you for hours and don’t speak, suddenly want to tell you their life story when you put in your headphones.
My wife just texted to tell me that she killed a spider all by herself, get my union rep on the phone, stat.
My cat is like a shitty Roomba that picks up all the dirt off the floor, but then just deposits it onto the carpet.