Like many people of my generation I was brought up to live my life believing in the virtue of delayed gratification.
I’m now in my 60s and it’s too soon to say whether it was worth it.
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My husband asked me to cut his hair. I think the zigzag designs turned out very well despite his bad attitude.
My son is sick. His symptoms include; fever, headache, and no desire to play XBox. In other words…it’s very serious.
You don’t scare me. You’re not those two minutes when I can’t find my wallet.
In the movie Titanic it always bugged me that she stayed on the raft when clearly she had more body fat for warmth.
I wish I was dinosaur. No school, no work, just ror ror.
Dishwasher broke, so now I’m washing them all by hand like some sort of motherless Disney Princess.
Life is always one step forward, two steps back…Then slide to the left…Slide to the right. CRISS CROSS!!!
Because everyone in Italy is quarantined, the natural wildlife has returned to the water and forests ❤️ We are the virus
peak technology
“14 years, £20 billion later and my team have finally finished building a Large Hadron Kaleidoscope.”
“You mean Collider?”
“Oh shit!”
I followed you because you’re hot
-Mosquitoes
Hate when I lay out too close to the shoreline and the other beach goers team up to try to push me back in the water.
Why are they called “nuns” when chickmonks was sitting right there?
My 2yr old tells people that grandma goes to a booty shop. My mom asks that I help her say beauty correctly, but this way is much more fun.
I wish choosing a career was as easy as it is in books. Just some big dingus giant kicking down my door like “YER A PASTRY CHEF, HARRY!”
What if we all do not exist and God is alone just imagining us?
wondering if our openly racist uncles talk about their non racist uncles like “u shoulda heard the non-racist shit coming out of his mouth”
You can’t cancel our date I just put a new garbage bag over my broken car window
sorry vacation place with the underwater tunnels, i’ve seen jaws 3.
How can you tell a vampire has the virus?
He’ll be coffin.
“For a really awkward time, call me.”
-me, leaving my number on bathroom stalls.
I never ran away from home but when I was six I asked everyone else in the house to move out.
Might start docking extra points from students who aren’t smart enough to cheat on their distance learning vocab tests.
ME: This is false advertising. I’ve been here an hour and nobody has even touched me. So lonely.
COP: Again, not what a holding cell is for
Since I got my iPhone eleventeen last week I have taken about 47 screenshots of my Home Screen just trying to turn the gd thing off.
Hubs: Ok boys, pick a number 1-4
3 year old: Lion Gaurd!
5 year old: 5!
So yes, homeschooling is going quite well.
Imagine if the scientists who made Covid combined m-pox with disease x and made X-Pox. The variants could be X-Pox 360, X-Pox One, and X-Pox Series X/S
I just found a Macklemore CD in a Thrift Shop and the Universe imploded.
I don’t do drugs. I take drugs. My brain does the drugs. Follow me? Me either -because drugs