Like many people of my generation I was brought up to live my life believing in the virtue of delayed gratification.
I’m now in my 60s and it’s too soon to say whether it was worth it.
You Might Also Like
I always make it a point to become friends with babies. That’s free cake once a year for a lifetime.
[wife holding credit card statement and yellin down the basement] what’s auto tune?
[me sounding perfect] c’mere baby
Hearing a noise as a renter: Sounds like the plumbing might be going.
Hearing a noise as a homeowner: Ghosts!
That blue kool-aid that barbers keep their combs in tastes funny.
My landlord is pissed off at me for being naked in the front yard…and now he just asked me to leave his cookout.
I walk into the store thinking man I look good today and then the self-checkout security camera had to go and point out that I actually look like Squidward
Me: *my toddler might eat this healthy food if he can dip it in ketchup*
Toddler: *eats the ketchup by itself*
I have a joke about trickle down economics.
99% of you won’t ever get it.
Accidentally called my therapist mom again. He was not pleased.
Shania Twain marrying her best friend’s ex husband after her husband and best friend had an affair is some count of monte cristo level shit
Who else looks for the closest parking spot at the gym? I need to save my energy for inside.
“Half a league, half a league, half a league onward,” though obscure has a better ring to it than 2640 yards, 2640 yards, 2640 yards onward.
Just unfollowed a bunch of people funnier than me. Now my tweets seem, you know, funnier. Tomorrow I unfollow all the good-looking people.
And I was never asked to make anything for the school bake sale again
Ah yes. The three genders
Anjelica Huston got married to the inventor of autocorrect and now her legal name is Ageless Ice Houseboat.
Me: I wonder what the wicked witch’s name is.
7: Ding Dong.
Me: What?
7: The song says, Ding Dong the Witch is dead.
Me: Oh. My. God. 😂
[first date questions]
You like meat? I make killer beef jerky with leftover hobo carcasses…and she’s gone
Whatever she’s probably vegan
I was in a band during the 80s called The Prevention. We were better than the Cure.
Welcome to Mixed Metaphor Day: it ain’t rocket surgery guys
If you are wondering how many ketchup packets you can put in a Holiday Inn hot tub before people stop going in, the answer is 9.
Noam Chomsky is a crazy name like you sound hungry as f***
If you don’t know me, don’t judge me. Unless you’re making me a pizza and you say
“This woman looks like she wants extra cheese.” That’s ok
The algorithm is predicting some tough times ahead for ya boy
One of my favourite places to find a giggle @funTweeters timeline ☺
I used to have a friend who was trying to name her soon-to-be-born son, and she confided in me that the hardest part of pregnancy was not drinking. I suggested she name the kid “Chip,” like an AA chip, and I laughed and laughed. We’re not friends anymore
[dinner at fergie’s house]
fergie: what do you think of the food i made?
me: it’s ok
fergie: just ok? any other word you’d use to describe it?
I want to fight these b*****s who are 28 saying, “I’m so old!” but I can’t because I hurt my neck looking down at the ground.
Imagine a guy named Kyle walking into Starbucks. You’re a racist.
Me: [a puppy mediator in the old west] get along, little doggies