The look of utter betrayal on my son’s face when he gets up past his bedtime & sees me eating cereal & watching cartoons is priceless.
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The only thing I want written on my tombstone is “I’m standing right behind you.”
Oppenheimer at the A-Bomb test saying “Now, I am become Death, the destroyer of worlds” only me exiting the bathroom after eating Taco Bell.
[first day as a wizard] now, to cook the perfect amount of pasta
i’m not dating for marriage i’m dating to split streaming and nytimes subscriptions
I’m a great multitasker. I can listen to you tell me your name and forget it at the exact same time
I listen to true-crime podcasts right before bed so that my nightmares will be more interesting.
I can’t wait to hear Billy Joel’s song about 2020!
Bought a new exercise program
Instructions said to stop if I felt any discomfort
So I did
In 1956, the US government exploded a nuclear bomb near bottles of beer to see if beer would still be safe to drink in the event of the nuclear apocalypse. Conclusion: at least you can still safely get drunk in a nuclear wasteland.
Dad: My mom warned me that nothing good ever happens after midnight.
Doctor: Sir, do you want to cut your baby’s umbilical cord or not?
Guys be throwin bobcats across their lawn and I’m over here trying to get my Capri Sun open
[first day as a pilot]
Me: we’re about to hit some mild turbulence and then a mountain
Do you ever walk out of a bathroom and want to put a sign on the door that says “I was just peeing It smelled that way when I went in there”
(with the most anger i’ve ever experienced in my life) ok sounds good
An app..
An app that reminds you, no matter how ugly you are.. someone far far away wants to bang you.
-Twitters new slogan
I have no time for stupid people
But they sure do have time for me.
My neighbor Randy saw his shadow today so it looks like we’ll be experiencing six more weeks of drunken front yard kung fu
My nightie is conspiring to kill me in my sleep by pythonic constriction.
“God is good all the time!” Yeah. Not you though, Russ. You sucked for 55 frigging minutes.
WOW! SNOWING EVERYWHE…. it stopped.
OMG IT’S STARTING AGAIN AND… nvrmind.
HERE IT IS AGAIN, WEEE…its gone.– Snow globe, the story.
Mom I get nervous on dates & always sweat.
“Wear something that doesn’t show stains”
[5 hours later] How was your date?
She hated my poncho.
I want a pet donkey that will kick people I don’t like on the command, “huh, interesting”.
I’ve got something stuck in my tooth, but instead of flossing I think I will just drive myself nuts all day by trying and failing to get it out with my tongue.
sorry… can’t now, i’m busy nursing a hand cramp from getting a slightly bigger phone
*12 pulls a gray hair out of my head*
M: Wow, look at that!
12: Hang on. There’s A LOT more!
M:
12: Can I get paid for pulling these out?
It’s interesting to me that car drivers are the first to admit that other drivers are idiots, yet anytime you try to suggest policy that will take cars off the road, they’re the most resistant
This girl from my hometown just named her baby Brogan and everyone just let it happen
Humans share 70% of our DNA with zebrafish. So when you’re having difficulty getting anything done, it’s usually because a zebrafish is using the DNA.
i love it when my pets sigh like what ails you my little unemployed freeloader
[Batman picking a catchphrase]
Bruce: what’s good for the Bruce is good for the Gander
Alfred: nothing to do with bats/gives away your identity
Bruce: i’mma throw two Bruce’s up on crime
Alfred: *rubbing temples* how about “i’m Batman”
Bruce: you’re cruising for a Bruce-ing