The husband came home from work, handed me a package and said “I bought you a new toilet seat.”
I took the package and said “yay!” without sarcasm.Sincerely,
18 years of marriage.
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The worst part about being humble is that you can’t brag about it.
You let a man into your life and now you’re irritated before 9 am
guy: man this water is warm
extremely narcissistic Luke: nah it’s not that warm this is like a different kind of warm tbh
boss: where have you been for the past seven days
me: in bed
boss: but i said sleep was for the weak
british twitter be like “oi, you bought a blue tick for 11 pounds innit m8 🤣”
my kid had her whole class make birthday cards for her dog who celebrated his birthday yesterday.
we don’t have a dog.
broke: live-action auditions where you have to do shit like “memorize sides” and “look like an actual person”
woke: voiceover auditions where you get to do shit like “never have to leave your home” and “record in the nude”
Under ‘medical history’, we were hoping for something more specific to you personally. You wrote “Fleming discovered penicillin in 1928”.
My daughter’s coach described her attack approach as whimsical and gallop-y.
So many women brag about finding chips in their cleavage… But if you really want to impress a man, you pull out a meatloaf.
“This is literally the worst beer I’ve ever tasted.”
*finishes six pack*
Me: we can all get along and live in unity
Me 2 seconds later behind a couponer at the store: ok no we can’t
My twins both have hiccups at the same time and I’m over here hoping it’s not the eighth sign of the apocalypse
Sure I may be a little nuts, I tell my family, but how boring would our house be if I wasn’t?
enough about microplastics. wanna try some macroplastics. i’m eating a frisbee
what’s the point of a quarantine if I’m not going to be quarantined with my incredibly beautiful mortal nemesis for days on end until our sexual tension builds and we fall in love but before we have the chance to kiss the quarantine ends and we must go our separate ways
My husband said we need to have an important talk, and guess what it was about? Time Travel. 👍🤣❤️
“I just bought a kitchen stove, but you know, you can never have too many of those. I should buy one for every room in the house.” -how Amazon believes people think
Me: I learned everything I know about Cinco de Mayo from watching Coco.
Him: Coco was about Day of the Dead, not Cinco-
Me: Cinco, Coco, YOU KNOW I DON’T SPEAK SPANISH, TODD!
So many chores, so many kids to do them for me
“You know what? I’ll just wait for the next Uber. Thanks.”
The Joker furiously scrolling through Batman’s old tweets for anything problematic
Date: I’m looking for someone who is courageous.
Me: I’m braver than any marine.
Marine, at the table to my left: Excuse me?
Me: Any, uh, marine animal.
Manatee, on a date with the marine: Excuse us?
The great thing about Twitter is that it gives everyone a platform to be heard.
The worst thing about Twitter is that it gives everyone a platform to be heard.
Seems a bit forward
[texting friend]
me: my wife and I had an argument and she just started texting her mom, is that bad
friend: oh man
me: now she’s texting my mom
friend: OH MAN
Do people who eat super-crunchy peanut butter know about peanuts?
Before towels were invented people rubbed themselves against the carpet.
Venus and Serena are famous for being Tennis-y Williams
Couple down the street from us celebrated 53 years of marriage the other day.
I asked the wife “how did you do it?”
She said “my knees tired”.
They go to church every Sunday so I THINK she meant pray.
But Jesus Christ i just ain’t all the way sure.