Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Funniest joke I heard today: The reason Zimbabwe isn’t ready for its own currency is they don’t have a dead president to put on the money 😂

We were just four regular guys who became legends thanks to karoke night and The Spice Girls

dating apps aren’t working so it’s time to look confused in a local bookstore

“Stuff that alligator in that dolphin” – God creating sharks

My phone just filmed a 2 hour documentary about life inside my purse

The Reacher guy looks like an 11 year old boy after getting 3 wishes from a genie

Potato chips ARE vegetables! I exclaim as I tear open the third bag

“What’s it like having a two year old boy?”

*throws a toy car at his face*
Like that.

Working in fungus identification is really dull. Every day it’s just say mould, say mould…

Me *enters new password*

Computer: ok

Me: Aren’t you going tell me it’s too weak?

Computer: It is but you don’t handle criticism very well

Me *crying* that’s not true

I explained how Pac-Man works to my kids, and apparently 4 ghosts constantly chasing someone is a terrifying story to 4yos.

Boomer: I got this toy when I was 6. I didn’t open it. Now it’s worth $1000!

Millennial: I put a film of me opening a shoe box on YouTube. Now I’m a millionnaire

Reasons my teen is mad this morning
– I took her shopping
– I bought the shirt she wanted
– I asked her to wear the shirt
– I don’t understand why the shirt doesn’t have the vibes

Mimes are known to commit
unspeakable acts.

a reese’s peanut butter cup but the inside is toothpaste

I learned German so I could sound angry about everything.

Her: What’s with the microscope?

Me: Looking for my comfort zone.

Not even remotely sorry.

If a server comes to my table and asks ‘hows everythin tasting?’ mid chew I like to grab their wrist and keep them there until I can answer

Oh honey, that’s not “causing a scene”.
Here, check this out…

Maybe I carry an axe. You don’t know. I could love you to pieces…

What I said:
GET IN THE CAR!

What my kids heard:
Pour another bowl of cereal & watch TV.

do you know how lucky we are that skunks are generally reasonable

My daughter, when I ask her to clean up.

Santa baby, slip some mental stability under the tree, for me

all stores should have bathrooms in the front AND the back. the chances my kid will use the conveniently placed front bathroom when we first walk in are 0. The chances he’ll want to use one is when we’re 2 miles in the back of the store is 100.

(Me on trampoline outside your bedroom window)
Why

Did

You

Unfollow

Me?

guy who came to check out what’s making noises in my attic told me it’s “one of the creepiest attics [he’s] ever seen.” not something you want to hear from a person whose job involves seeing a lot of attics

Whenever my bitchy Ex used to whine about something, I reminded her that time heals all wounds…

Then I threw clock at her face.

i casually mentioned to my wife how ive started smiling with my eyes at work to signal no-threat and increase a sense of camaraderie and she’s like “what what do you mean smile with your eyes” and i showed her and she told me to never make that face again