I filled my brother’s shampoo bottle with olive oil and glitter last night. Have a great day in court, counselor!
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sorry vacation place with the underwater tunnels, i’ve seen jaws 3.
Preserved fruit, that’s my jam
– dinner –
Kid 1: finishes in 18.4 seconds
Kid 2: finishes in 34.7 seconds
Kid 3: finishes in 5 hours 29 minutes
Me: you need to do your homework
9: my teacher knows all the answers, why doesn’t she just do it herself
One day I want to wear jeans to the gym, just to watch the outrage.
nobody:
TV writers: first of all, nobody can explain anything quickly or clearly to avoid a misunderstanding
When they say “all expenses paid” does that include bail?
Me: Ok, who got Oreo filling on the couch?
Husband:
4:
7:
Me: Well…
7: It really could have been any of us.
4: (licks couch)
This haunted house sucks. It’s just people sitting in cubicles under fluorescent lights looking sad.
Wait, this is real life? NOOOOOOOOOO!
I saw this ending much differently.
At Walmart checkout other day:Cashier: “you have a dog?” Scanning dog food.Hubz: No, our kid needs the protein.
*Speeding*
Cop: Know why I pulled you over?
Me: My singing?
Cop:
Me: My smile?
Cop:
*From the back of cop car*: My dance moves?
[aircraft carrier]
*paints a T on the helipad*
Captain: No it has to have an H
Me: Why?
*train sounds approaching*
Captain: Oh dear god
Graduating from law school and immediately googling what can you do with a law degree
I think it broke my bf’s heart when I said he couldn’t have Salma Hayek for Valentine’s Day.
Nine months from now — when there’s a baby boom in Hawaii — you’ll know who took the incoming missile warning seriously.
My toddler poured a bottle of lavender essential oil on the floor and I’m calling bullshit on the whole calming effect claim.
check in with your friends but also don’t forget to check in on your enemies. make sure they’re doing bad
No, I am not okay. Facebook just showed me something I posted 10 years ago.
I like how the use of the passive implies William Shatner has no say in the matter
5 yo- can I roll down the car window?
Me- yeah, just don’t yell at that man.
bringing a sharpie to IKEA and adding more dots to the names of their products
How do horror writers compete with current events?
The facial recognition on my iPhone recognizes me in sunglasses but not when I’m smiling
*beats arachnophobia*
*trips over child dressed as Spider-Man*
*fears spiders again*
Bartender – Would you like to try our pumpkin beer?
Me – Can I have a different bartender please?
Boss: You’re late! On Friday, I made it clear that anyone arriving late would be fired
Me: Well I didn’t know! I ducked out early on Friday
Wife: You should’ve written your best man speech
Me: Relax I can freestyle[Wedding]
Me: On Dave and Sarah’s big day, I’d like to
Dave *whispers in my ear*
Me: On Dave and Rebecca’s big day
SCIENTIST: You are my finest creation, and I love you like a son even though you’ve malfunctioned and now only say-
ROBOT: Fight me, dipshit
Once you realize I’m an idiot, my tweets start to make a lot more sense.