Like my dad, I often confuse american and british english. I guess I’m a crisp off the old distance along a street between two intersections.
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I agree noisy knees. I SHOULD stay on the couch
the chicken crossed the road for the same reason everyone else does— to avoid running into someone it knew
This poison ivy bread is not from a mix it was made from scratch.
The toilet paper thief accidentally dropped the merchandise as he jumped over a fence.
He got away Scott free.
Tim Burton: I have a movie to pitch
Exec: oh boy here we go
Tim Burton: it’s a love story
Exec: go on
Tim Burton: about two people from different parts of town
Exec: sounds pretty cute actually
Tim Burton: oh and he’s super emo and has scissors for hands
Exec: there it is
My son was awake early and I told him “Happy Easter.” He said he thought that was last week. In his defense though, I did bake a ham and give him a bag of Cadbury mini eggs last week… when I thought it was Easter.
Goodnight honey.
“Daddy, where do babies come from?”
The stork flies them in.
“Why’s it take 9 months?”
Wind resistance. Go to sleep.
No thanks, social drama. Puberty sucked enough the first time around.
Why don’t Elvis impersonators call themselves the next best King?
If pronouncing my b’s as v’s makes me sound Russian, then soviet.
Did you know cats are called cats because they’re roughly half the size of cattle?
Blood’s thicker than water, so remember to pull back on the flour a bit when you substitute it into your baking.
You hang up
“No, you hang up”
You hang up first!
– Bats going to bed
mortician: can you come ID the body
wife: what’s it wearing
mortician: just a pair of dress jorts
wife: anything in the pocket
mortician: chicken nugg-
wife: that’s him
Branch manager is like “I need you both to be on the reference desk.”
“Oh. I have some work I was going to do in the back.”
“Just do it at the desk, it won’t be too busy.”
“Then why do you need me there?”
“Because it’s gonna be really busy.”
Who’s the idiot that named them killer whales instead of panda sharks
Leia: *gasps* Chewbacca, you’re naked!
Chewbacca: *hastily puts back on his bandoleer*
You know what I’m hoping is in my Easter basket this year?
A nap.
(Just kidding. Moms don’t get baskets.)
(Or naps.)
my youngest started kindergarten today and I cried but mostly for his teachers
[morning]
her: did you dream about me?
me: that depends…are you a member of the Backstreet Boys?
her: umm no
me: then no
Superman: Cool underwater lair. Can I use the bathroom?
Aquaman: The what?
No you can’t throw a ham at the rotor blade so it slices the ham up, that’s literally the first thing we taught you in helicopter school
Friend: are you ready for our hike?
Me: *filling my camelback with french onion soup* just about
Reading a magazine waiting at the checkout and was told, “this is not a library”, so I read it out loud.
me: *jumping out of a cake*
guy in next urinal: DUDE
If Kellyanne Conway is right and microwaves spy on us, the CIA has a hell of a lot of data on me reheating coffee then forgetting about it.
starting to think my starbucks boyfriend is asking other girls their name too.
Child me at birthday party: gimme gimme ice cream
Adult me at birthday party: gimme gimme cake
I just told my boss that “STFU” stands for “Sincere Thanks For Understanding” and it’s REALLY important that none of you tell him otherwise
ELEPHANT COP: I recognize you
LION: I just have one of those familiar faces
ELEPHANT COP: You don’t know who the hell you’re dealing with