Like my dad, I often confuse american and british english. I guess I’m a crisp off the old distance along a street between two intersections.
You Might Also Like
if pennywise had a fraternal twin it’d be named quarterstupid
Always wrinkle-check your t-shirts
The number of things that are *not* rocket science is staggering.
#SCOTUS one-star review
If you watch “The Empire Strikes Back” backwards it’s about a kid so traumatized to learn his dad’s identity he starts hitting on his sister
DATE: Do you like cats?
ME: *flipping menu* What page are you on?
My half-brothers had a Hungarian dad and an Eskimo dad. My dad was from Wales. Our dinner table was like the U.N…only with slapping.
Naming that space movie Gravity makes about as much sense as naming Jurassic Park something like There’s No Dinosaurs In This.
Seems like it would be really tough being a girl named Molly at a rave.
“What are your dogs’ names?”
Me: “Calvin and Klein.”
“Isn’t that a brand of underwear?”
Me: “Exactly, they’re boxers.”
When they ask “how was your weekend?” answer “better than yours” & maintain eye contact
Any refunds available?…
My husband is a dentist now! At least he acts like one asking me questions while I’m very obviously brushing my teeth.
If you’re cremated, you can’t roll over in your grave. Do you swirl in your urn? What do you do? What. Do. You. Do?
[My Wedding]
Me: I do
Guests: Awww
Me: Or do I?
Guests: Ooooo
If I ever got a horse I would name her Grace, just in case I ever fell from her.
me: [buying $2 ice cream with $100 bill] is this enough?
cnn: [mashing calculator] oh gosh it’s gonna be close
Me: When I was little I was never allowed in grandma and grandad’s bed if I was scared.
6yo: That’s sad Mommy. I’m going to tell grandma and grandad that they have to let you in their bed tomorrow.
Me: Oh no no no baby. I’m good!
interviewer: for your most recent job you put down “i cleaned out my car some”
me: that’s right
interviewer: and for a reference you put down “my friend jarret”
me: he was there
My husband got *me* a fitness game for the Nintendo for Christmas.
I was like “what are you trying to say?”
Now the kids are at level 130 and wearing themselves out daily while out of my hair.
Turns out he’s a great gift giver.
* 50 pushups *
* 100 situps *
* Runs 3 miles *My exercise program is really going great since I switched to all asterisk actions.
If I were Noah, I’d be grabbing two of every bottle of alcohol
Dyslexics are teople poo!
I’d rather drop a baby than my iPhone…. I mean I can make another baby, but I have no clue how to make an iPhone.
You know you’re an Alcoholic when you can’t even say the word “sober” without making air quotes
This time of year I randomly remember going to this chaotic family dinner. I made a comment about how peanuts grow in the ground like potatoes instead of on a tree. My brother in law couldn’t accept this, called me a liar, yelled when it was googled & has not spoken to me since.
“A car I’ve never seen before just parked outside. We’re gonna die CAN YOU HEAR ME Jesus Christ you’re not listening to me I said…”
– Dogs
Went for a couple of dates with this girl. She invited me back to hers, said I could see her lady garden. I declined and never called her again – I’m not partaking in sexist horticulture
Sorry I mostly speculated about my missing stapler in your leaving card.