Like my dad, I often confuse american and british english. I guess I’m a crisp off the old distance along a street between two intersections.
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My kids can’t hear the dog barking for 15mins to come back inside but they can hear me bite into a Pop-Tart from 3 counties away.
My husband put on a ratty old t shirt and asked me how it looked and I had to break it to him that it’d look better in the trash which apparently is marriage code for “it’s probably good for another five years at least.”
Do I have to wear real clothes?
-my kid on the last day of school
I try to live my life everyday as if it were my last. And who wants to do laundry on their last day? Not me…
Imagine how stupid you’d feel if you pitched “Yabba dabba doo” at that early Flintstones meeting and it didn’t hit
A colleague asked me “what’s wrong?”, and that’s a month of her life she won’t get back!
him: hands up, this is a robbery!
me *looks around* it’s actually a bank
Thursday thoughts from my late father…
“Whadya mean you can’t change a tire. What do you think I sent you to college for?”
the “b” and “d” in “backward” are really just there as an example
My couch doubles up as a bed, a work station, a cheeto hiding place…. it’s like the other furniture isn’t even trying!
[Playing piano to impress a Russian girl]
“Do you like it?”
Her: That’s sheet music
“Yes, it is.”
Her: Now excuse me, I huv to take a sheet.
Anxiety causes your body to store fat so that’s one more thing to be anxious about.
Friend: You’re so calm and quiet lately- I like this peaceful side of you
Me [my brain rotating like an insanely out-of-control taffy machine]: haha thanks
Me at 10 pm: lets brush my teeth so that I don’t eat unnecessarily
Me at 10.10 pm: dang it
If your Tetris high score doesn’t excite me, you’re not loading my dishwasher
me: I call shotgun
shotgun: sorry, I can’t come to the phone right now, please speak after the beep
My 3-year-old put a blanket over her head and ran around like it was an invisibility cloak, but not for long.
It made walls invisible, too.
Considering “Thank You” cards are a thing, I’m going to invent “No, thank YOU!” cards and people will send them back and forth forever.
how come nobody who hacks celebrities ever does anything funny with it? they just type the n word like that’s comedy gold. You just hacked the CEO of twitter, idiot, you could’ve said something like “I am pleased to announce we are merging with Facebook. More details to follow”
No, no, no, you don’t have to engage in a long explanation of why you’re single. We’ve spent five minutes together, I think I’ve got it.
Pfizer: Our new Covid vaccine needs to be stored at minus seventy degrees which will create logistics issues.
My wife: Would you like to use our bedroom?
Mom: Everyone has to learn to swim
Kid: Even Jesus?
Mom: Of course
Jesus: *sliding across the pool in heelys* Lying’s a sin, Brenda
I like having multiple children because that way if one doesn’t happen to be screaming there’s always another around to pick up the slack.
Coworker: You look angry.
Me: I’m not.
CW: Really angry.
Me: THIS IS MY NORMAL FACE
If you wondered if I was on the naughty list this year, I should probably tell you that the best gift I got was a packing peanut.
MATH TEACHER: what is half of thirty
ME: thi
I’m trying to break up with this fruit fly but he just won’t go away.
To celebrate Boxing Day on Friday, I had a five minute training montage and beat the shit out of the biggest Russian I could find …
If you wear your old prom dress to the pharmacy, they’ll fill your antidepressants faster.