Like my dad, I often confuse american and british english. I guess I’m a crisp off the old distance along a street between two intersections.
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weird to have so little faith in humanity nowadays that a guy could be hurling Molotov cocktails at me from his car and I’d be ok with it if he’s using his turn signals
So won’t Surreal Slim Shady please stand up, please stand dOwN, please RIDE A TRICYCLE THROUGH A DENTISTS WAITING ROOM DRESSED AS A PENGUIN
I don’t know what’s happening here, but I am definitely going to check it out.
Me: What did she say about me?
Friend: She said you ask too many questions
Me: She said that? Too many questions? Really? Me? …What else?
HER: I have something I want to tell u
ME: me too
HER: *smiles coyly* same time?
ME: sure
HER: 1,2,3 I LOVE YO-
ME: ONE TIME I ATE DOG FOOD
I never understood why people wear black clothes when they want to be sneaky
They should wear leather armor, because it’s made of hide.
Is it normal for a cat to get smarter? When Max was a kitten he was really dumb but now he reads at an 8th grade level
Just bought a set of alphabet magnets for my fridge, so this may very well be my last tweet.
I always feel slightly ripped off when my toddler poops after I pick her up from daycare.
Hell hath no fury like a 5 yo who doesn’t want his brother to stare at him in the car.
1st base: sex
2nd base: not wearing makeup
3rd base: calling each other
home run: discussing your mental health issues and past traumas
My therapist says I should delete my account and meet real people, but she’s still on Facebook so what does she know.
Me: The face is a tortilla. The eyes are banana slices and the mouth is made of peanut butter. His name is Bertram. He’s my best friend.
[12 minutes later]
Me: I have eaten my best friend.
Apparently I was involved in a class action lawsuit against AT&T. Anyway, I just got a check for $1.33 if anyone wants to party.
I wanna congratulate Disney on outbidding me for Fox. I realize now that my offer, $13,000 and an IOU for $81-billion scrawled on a Arby’s bag in crayon, was unrealistic and whatnot.
whenever i see a baby, i take its candy. i need the win more than the baby does.
Call me a hopeless romantic, but there’s nothing like a candlelit dinner to obscure the rodent droppings in my storage unit.
This skinny girl just told me she “forgets” to eat? Is that possible? I just licked her face in case it’s contagious.
I tell jokes for free but my therapist still expects payment every time he sees me perform my one hour special
Much like a fairy tale princess I will sit here and wither away until some man somewhere is brave enough to bring me soup.
Black Eyed Peas: Whatcha gonna do with all that junk, all that junk inside your trunk?
Me: I’m gonna leave it there indefinitely but then act all embarrassed and say “my car is not usually a mess” when people get in it.
A tragic kissout between police and suspects leaves over 15 innocent bystanders believing in love again
If you have a plateful of generic fries they’ll only steal one, but you’ll wish they had taken them all
We’re all born naked and the rest is crab. #DragRace
My professor handed back our 3 page film essays to my surprise I got a C after class I asked her why “you were supposed to write it about the movie The Emperor of Time.. you wrote it on The Emperor’s new Groove but it was kinda good so I didn’t fail you” so thats how im doing
me: hey watch out for the poison ivy
friend: *recoiling* you should really think about cleaning out your car
[first date]
Him: Let’s take the stairs!
Me: I think we should see other people.
6yo: Newton discovered gravy
Me: gravity, he discovered gravity.
6yo: what’s that?
Me: it’s what stops you floating off into space
6yo: *sadly* he should have stuck with the gravy