Like my grandma always says… put more booze in the mashed potatoes
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America: We are free from the British, what should we do first?
Someone in the back of the crowd: Let’s change our spelling
Motherhood is the perfect combination of heart swelling pride and “I didn’t sign up for this.”
My 5-year-old found two pennies and shared one with her sister.
I grounded them both because I’m not raising any communists.
A Haiku For My Salad:
I do not like you
You will never be grilled cheese
You make my mouth sad
DATE: It’s hard to find a girl that likes goth guys
ME: [hiding a lantern in my purse] You know, it’s weird, I actually thought your profile said moth guys
If you live in the same hemisphere that I do you’ve probably already heard me sneeze.
how am i supposed to keep up with what day it is when it changes every 24 hours
[crime show]
DETECTIVE: It looks like the guy that inserts dramatic music into our show has been..*Flintstones theme song plays*
Murdered
Staying off twitter is harder than eating water with chopsticks.
I started at the bottom (with a knife) and now I’m here (with another man’s KFC)
Oh, lord. I brought my mouth with me to work today and it’s all sass. Prayers, please.
West Side Story gave me the wrong impression. No one at this gang fight is a good dancer and I’ve been shot in the arm.
Our power went out and it’s utterly humiliating how many times I tried to turn on the light so that I could find the flashlights because the power was out
The fact that no one understands you does not mean you’re an artist.
Bought a chicken to make sandwiches. It doesn’t. It shits on the floor.
Shades by Gucci, shirt by Dolce&Gabbana, face by Douchebag.
*wins $1000*
To claim your prize, create an account and password.
Ugh this will take forever, nevermind.
You say no portion control, I say treating every meal like it’s your last
[getting kidnapped] grab my heating pad too pls
“You have nice eyes”
– boring
– unoriginal
– she’s probably heard it a million times“Jeepers, creepers, where’d ya get those peepers?”
– musical
– invites a dialogue
– reminiscent of a better time, before World War II
– could yield info on where to acquire good peepers
I sign all my coworker’s birthday cards, “Please know, this does not mean we’re friends” just to avoid any future awkwardness.
The year is 2246. Disease and hunger have been eradicated. The terraforming of Mars is complete. The symbol for Save is still a floppy disk.
Just the best dancing sandwiches.
Me: my grandfather was George Washington
Date: don’t you mean your great great great great great great grandfather
Me: i mean he was okay
I know you have good intentions, but it’s cruel to set a Roomba free. For one, they’re raised in captivity and don’t have the skills to survive outside. And for two, nature abhors a vacuum.
if ever got invited to the Grammys, I’d go dressed as the girl from The Ring.
teacher: where is your assignment?
me: my dog ate it-
[i see my dog standing outside the classroom window. he draws a line across his throat]
me: i mean there was a fire. a homework fire.
I HAVE A LITTLE MERMAID BAND-AID UNDER MY EYE CAUSE I’M IN A GANG NOW.
How about a meat that is also a dental floss? – Pitch for prosciutto