Like my nana used to always say, “screen shots say more about the person sharing them than anything else”
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wanton disregard: extreme lack of care for the well-being or rights of another individual
wonton disregard: using wontons as the target at a shooting range
Not to brag but my son’s friend said “Your dad looks hot” when I was cleaning the pool. She followed with “Is that heat stroke?” but still.
Is it “shitshow” or “shit show”? I just want
An opossum is just a regular possum that reenacts the diner scene from When Harry Met Sally.
Can’t believe New Zealand are introducing a new flag just as I finished memorising the old one.
wife: what did i ask you to do?
me: buy the name-brand repellent
wife: and what did you do?
me: i bought the cheap stuff
wife: you bought the cheap stuff
me: it was half the-
wife: and what do we have now?
me: *sigh* we have elephants
wife: we have elephants
“40 is the new 20”
*Pulls a muscle*
“40 is the new 80”
Nobody:
8: “Mommy! Did you know that cowboys say YEE-HA! and ninjas say HEE-YA!”
[Hiking]
Me: Want some trail mix?
Her: This is just a sandwich bag full of rocks and twig-
Me: All from this trail!
My daughter had a spider in her room but she lost it, and now she wants to move. I told her to stop being dramatic and she would probably just swallow it tonight so nbd
One day, the fridge will take revenge on me, every half hour opening the door to my room, staring at me for a few minutes & then walk away.
“Je t’aime” = “I love you”
“Je t’anime” = “I love anime”
Him: Do you swallow?
Me: Every time I chew.
I don’t want a ring, I want a Hattori Hanzo sword.
*wears an “Only God Can Judge Me” t-shirt to court*
[behind a customer in line at a coffee shop who is taking forever to decide what to order]
me: hey.them: yeah?
me: try the coffee.
My mom once called me at 3am to tell me some long lost relative died and hung up on me when I asked if they’d still be dead at 8am.
My dog watching me set my burrito down when I go to answer the door
Interviewer: How many words can you type a minute?
Me: Given a full minute I could probably type any word
They say to “dress for the weather you want” so anyways I’m freezing today and metaphors are hard.
HR: Know why we called you down?
Me: Hmm…a raise?
HR: You know we monitor internet usage right?
Me: I’d like to report a hacking!
I think Diane knows I was her Secret Santa at this morning’s office party, because this afternoon I had to borrow my stapler back from her.
Ken is short for chicken
*94K tweets later* I’m really a very private person
Me to Hitman: in the bedroom. He is big.
Hitman*pulls gun & enters* where is he?
Me: on the wall!
Hitman: that’s a spider
Me: kill it!
Every time I start typing in “linkedin” on one of my browsers I just hit enter when it auto-fills and I always end up accidentally viewing the profile of some random person whose profile I once reviewed.
This guy is probably like “why is she so obsessed with me”
Manicotti implies the existence of Pedicotti.
People say I have a dry sense of humor. So when you hate everyone the word to describe that is dry now I guess.
Welcome to your fifties…
AT 10PM WE SLEEP
AT DAWN WE PEE