Like my nana used to always say, “screen shots say more about the person sharing them than anything else”
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So when my coupled friends ask me how dating is going, is it appropriate for me to ask how their marriage/relationship is going or is that aggressive?
Don’t confront someone who puts cottage cheese in lasagna, leave crazy alone.
Get your kids Christmas pajamas so they’ll have something comfortable to fight in.
WIFE: how old is your daughter?
WIFE’S FRIEND: she’s eight going on nine.
ME: *whispering* That’s how numbers work
*Naming my child*
WIFE: What’s the girl version of Matt?
ME:… Mattress?
Learn cursive, they said. You’ll need it your whole life, they said.
Average age of billionaires: 65
Average age of billionaires in books: 35
PSA: when the family come to identify the body don’t yell “abracadaver” as you remove the sheet.
Have you ever noticed that Santa brings better gifts to the kids that have rich parents?
You can learn a lot from a woman wielding a knife. For example, your top running speed.
did your friends rob that bank?
“I’ll never talk”
I forgot that you’re prejudice
against robbers
“what?!? some of my best friends rob banks”
The tampon aisle is a terrible place to pick up chicks.
Get an attack dog, name it Anxiety, laugh and laugh and laugh at Anxiety attacks.
*wakes up due to construction noise*
*tosses and turns all pissed off*
*finally decides to get up*
*construction noise stops*
It’s so unfair in life you meet the adult equivalents of the bad kids from Charlie & the Chocolate Factory and you’re not allowed to murder them in various ironic ways.
The mayor of Toronto wants us to return to in-person work to help cut down on crime in the city but unless most of us are employed as Batman I’m not sure the plan will unfold as she expects
Grocery store
Me: reach something for me?
Tall guy: sure thing!
Me: I have an itch right under my left shoulder blade.
Interviewer: I want to ask you a question, and your answer must be quick.
Me: Okay.
Interviewer: 12 + 37 = ?
Me: Quick
don’t let anyone tell you, you can’t do something. show them you can’t.
Interviewer: How would you say the Queen’s response…
Prince William: Definitely not racistly!
me: orders ice cream from grubhub
driver: makes 12 stops before my house
I might consider rejoining the Catholic church if the Pope knew karate. Otherwise forget it.
Every surgery is exploratory if you have no idea what you’re doing
Stand way over there and let me tell you a funny fairytale. Once upon a time I ate all of your Halloween candy this morning.
Disney say they’re going to make Mickey Mouse’s hands smaller for “realism”.
Well, not on my watch.
Thank you. I am completely satisfied by your explanation and have no further questions.
– No child ever.
Personal trainer said we’re going to try some dips today.
I brought hot salsa and tangy cheese. He hates me.
4yo: can you get this open for me?
Me: oomph this is kinda tough
4yo: use your claws
Don’t waste time thinking about what’s wrong with you. Instead, focus on what’s wrong with other people.
My dog stopped digging after I told him he’s just gonna end up in China.