Like my nana used to always say, “screen shots say more about the person sharing them than anything else”
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(meeting the queen without knowing who she is)
Well, aren’t you a fancy little lady! Is today your birthday?
Person drinking Smart Water: It’s like I’m being smart about what I put in my body.
Me, mouth full of Smartees: We’re so much alike.
When I found out Santa wasn’t real I got so mad at my parents I stormed out of the house, got in my car and just drove and drove and drove.
*overheard in 6’s virtual class*
6: I saw a raccoon our backyard yesterday, and I wanted to show it to my mom, but it ran away.
Kid: Oh, are raccoons scared of your mom?
We never discuss the elephant in the room at family gatherings; my siblings just toss peanuts at me.
I’m going bananas!
*What I tell my bananas when I’m leaving the house.
I would give up shouting at trees for you.
*grabs mic at a funeral* ok now say nice things about me
*sees a woman struggling with a big suitcase up the stairs*
Me: Need help with that?
Her: Yeah!
Me: *gives her a hug* You got this, girl.
I just washed my car in my driveway and people sped up instead of slowing down.
My gf thought it was so cute when she found out I owned a pair of tap shoes
Until I got drunk, and put them on
I never pay for drinks I just insult women at bars & when they throw drinks in my face I open my mouth haha thanks for the free booze ladies
“Update the force, Luke”
Adobe Wan Kenobi
I’m so pale… I don’t send nudes, I send transparencies
Fun prank: Wear a baby carrier with a parcel in it. Stand at mailbox and yell OH MY GOD WHAT HAVE I DONE!
Helped a stranger at the gym write a break up text today so yeah, that English degree is really paying off.
Every time I attend a wedding I try to get the DJ to play “The Monster Mash.” One time I took the bride’s phone and texted the DJ with it. Another time I claimed I was the bride’s brother and that it was a really important in-joke between the couple. I’m batting .700
Me: I’m having a bad day!
Brain: You should buy those $300 headphones so you feel better.
Me: You’re making a lot of sense right now.
“Help! I can’t get my jogging trousers off!”
“We’ll have to perform an emergency trackybottomy”
Let one kid cut the cookie and let the other kid choose their half. That way, if they fight about it, one kid already has a knife
The cops just showed up at work & all the workers that have been in trouble before fled. At least that’s what I can see from under my desk.
I’m too rational for astrology. Why would I ask a goat in the sky to tell my fortune when I can consult the entrails of an actual goat right here on Earth?
When you unfollow someone it should pop up with a list of other idiots to unfollow
thought we’d see more kids named goku by now
when I was like 16 I tried to prank my mom on april fools by telling her I was pregnant and she said you have to have sex to get pregnant emma
the fridge is too full so now i’m stuck here drinking all the wine
CLOSE THE DOOR, YOU’RE LETTING ALL THE WIFI OUT
Email: 48 people have viewed your LinkedIn profile
Me: I still have a LinkedIn profile?
LASSIE: Arf!
What’s that girl? Timmy’s in the old well?
L: Arf arf
He’s dead? You sure?
L: Arf!
Okay here’s a check for $5K
L: ima need cash
You have this moment of realization that you have zero survival skills. If you’re like me, you do nothing with this information.