Like my therapist always says, “I’m not your therapist, you’re just laying on a couch in Ikea”
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Was I outside watering plants when my food was getting delivered? Yes
Did I hide behind my house so the driver didn’t see me? Also yes
I only block people that deserve it and those I don’t like because of completely made up scenarios.
*Tries to start the wave at a funeral
Fun Fact: rock lobsters are easily identified by the tiny electric guitar they hold in their claws
[a guy 3000 years ago putting his wet carrier pigeon in a bowl of rice]
My car broke down between the marina and the Hallmark store.
Now, I’m stuck between a dock and a card place.
Poop your pants one time and suddenly you’re banned from the MacDonalds ball pit
TECH HIRING MANAGER: Have you done IT work before?
PENNYWISE: Done IT? Pal, I’ve lived IT
St. Patrick’s Day is the day we all watch Ghost and Dirty Dancing in honor of Patrick Swayze.
ME: How much to buy a singing ensemble?
PRODUCER: You mean a choir?
ME: Fine, how much to acquire a singing ensemble?
In scandinavia they’re called fjarts
I had no intention of viewing your webinar until you used “and more” as a bullet point in your email and seduced me with the allure of intrigue and mystery
Thank you HGTV for allowing my wife to think I could rebuild our house over the weekend.
me: truth or dare
government: truth
me: is Wyoming real
government: dare
[About to invent coffee]
Guy: I’m gonna squeeze that bean so hard
Friend: You okay Greg?
Told my husband I was thinking about getting a tattoo and asked him if he had any suggestions. He just stared at me and said, “I don’t even know you anymore.”
What a stupid idea for a tattoo.
The person who is your first and last thought of the day is either the one who has your heart, or who’s murder you’re secretly plotting.
[runs into old friend]
FRIEND: How are the kids?
ME: Good. Both out of the house now.
FRIEND: You feeling “empty nest syndrome?”
ME: What’s that?
FRIEND: Sad and lonely because they’re gone.
ME: *snort laughs*
“Try to be more socially interactive”, they said
“Engage with the wider community”, they said
“You have the right to remain silent”, they said
Me: I made the best decision at that time with the information available
Narrator: he plugged his ears and said “la la la la” at the time
[walking quickly past the old lady I just held the door open for] this doesn’t mean you can order before me
Colleague: any children?
Me: we’ve got 2 amazing kids
Wife: We’ve got 3 kids
Me: I stand by what I said
ME: On the one hand, I have this weird rash. And on the other hand
DATE: ??
ME: It’s on both hands, I should probably see a doctor
Me: Please stop asking me a question every five seconds. I just want to sit on this couch and rest.
Therapist: Umm…you do know where you are, right?
Me: AGAIN with the questions!!
You can spend five minutes trying to fish the egg shell out of the pancake batter, or, and hear me out, you can leave it and tell your kids it’s good luck to get the pancake with the eggshell
All these Email scams must make it hard for Legitimate Nigerian Royalty to share large sums of cash with strangers!
Hi, I’m Tony. Voted “Most Likely To Become A Time Traveler” by the class of 2042.
My kids pissed me off so much I bought some overalls to wear every day in public when they’re with me.
I left Facebook because of the arguments about politics. That and seeing relatives I can’t stand. It was like having a family Christmas dinner every day.