Like my therapist always says, “I’m not your therapist, you’re just laying on a couch in Ikea”
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Again Mr Jovi,
Please stop mailing us bible verses. You cannot continue living on a prayer. We require an actual mortgage payment.
They made everything too expensive I have no choice but to become a rich celeb now
Me: where did you get those blood soaked tea bags?
Dracula: I had to pull some strings
Me: I’m an actor
Date: Oh that’s cool!
Me: Have you seen “No Country For Old Men?”
Date: I love that movie!
Me: Yeah it’s awesome. Anyway, haven’t booked any roles yet.
*When you can teleport through your phone*
Hello! Can you here me?
My dad taught me the importance of having convictions in life. Ten felonies later, I now know that some words have more than one meaning.
An escape room but it’s just me trying to put on my hoodie with one sleeve inside out.
The Maze Runner. #MazeRunner
Finally, somewhere I can take my Croissant Bernard.
Flight delayed due to engine issue heard maintenance guy say “turned it off and back on” oh great I feel very comfortable with that solution ty.
I am on a diet. This is just my cheat decade
Kids will interrupt your really important conversations to ask questions like, “which door do you think the zombies will come through? The front door or the back door?”
When I have kids I’m gonna tell them drugs are good for them.
It’s the only way I can be sure they won’t try them.
Browsing Prime this morning and clicked “Sort by Price: High to Low” like my life is some sort of rap video.
Interviewer: “Why did you leave your last job?”
Me: “After coming back from vacation, all my passwords had expired. It was easier to resign than reset them.”
Am I afraid of the dark? No. Will I exit a basement after turning off the lights at normal speed? There is no amount of money in the world.
Moms be like, “Your cousin’s neighbor’s husband’s aunt died. Just thought you should know.”
Adam: oh look the McRib is back
Eve: stop calling me that
Send prayers. Laura on Facebook didn’t realize she was out of syrup until AFTER the pancakes were made! It’s causing quite a stir…
facebook: do u wanna look at some memories 🙂
me: nah it’s ok—
facebook: on this day last year you took a cute photo with ur bf who cheated on you and left you for ur friend 🙂
me: [tearing up] th-thanks
[Checking into hotel]
WIFE: Please tell me you didn’t use your stupid alter ego name when book-
ME: Reservation for Troy Awesomesauce please
[the first person to hear thunder] Well, that can’t be good.
parents: a large old man with white hair is going to break into the house while you’re sleeping and give you toys
kids: oh worddddd
I wonder if the person who came up with the phrase ‘jumping on the bandwagon’ got really annoyed when everyone else started using it.
[Afterlife]
“I died in WW2 fighting nazis”
“I died in Syria fighting terrorists”
Me: (confidently) you guys heard of the tide pod challenge?
women’s shower products be like “lock in moisture” and “rejuvenate pores,” while men’s are all “smell like hammer, you idiot”
sorry I didn’t call the dog ate your phone number
Don’t wanna brag, but I just beat my own record for most consecutive days spent without dying.
check in with your friends but also don’t forget to check in on your enemies. make sure they’re doing bad