like my toaster, i too spend a lot of time in my kitchen making sudden movements and burning things.
You Might Also Like
*wife offers me a sip of her water*
m: Am I gonna catch what you have?
w: No
m:
w:
m: Are you sur-
w: You’re not going to get my period!
A face mask and rubber gloves is all you need to wear when you go to mall they said.
I felt a fool.
Everyone else was wearing clothes.
I bought a t-shirt for a good cause.
It’s ’cause I wanted the t-shirt.
Me: My first wife loved this movie.
Wife: I AM your first wife!
Me: And you love this movie, DON’T YOU?!?
If Oprah took over Favstar, everyone would get a trophy.
Everyone wants gift cards now so on Christmas morning it’s just a lot of passing envelopes. It looks like a mob wedding.
The look of dismay on my dog’s face tells me nothing is as unfair to dogs as when they’re chasing a bird and the bird flies off.
Once a guy came to our door with an educational book-selling MLM. He tried to get my husband by asking “do you even know why a flamingo is pink?” And I guess the guy hadn’t anticipated running into a man raised on zoboomafoo because he walked away defeated.
1. have a child
2. never mention it on facebook
3. dress it in old-timey clothes and have it stand in the background of all your photos
Prayers for my 4yo who despite many attempts is currently unable to remove his nose
*in hell*
Devil: so what are you here for
Them: I invented ice breaker activities
Hearing deteriorates as we get older. So why with every new year does the sound of someone eating become louder & more annoying?
Pretending I’m eating a salad by putting some lettuce in a bowl of candied walnuts.
“Nope, it needs more vowels”
– Hawaiians
When I say ditto after someone tells me they love me, it doesn’t mean I love them. It means I love me too.
me: “im using this quarantine to learn something new each day”
friend: “what did you learn today?”
me: “guitar”
friend: “no way you learned guitar in one day. prove it”
me, opening a guitar case: “this is a guitar”
friend:
me: “tomorrow im going to learn what a piano is”
[ GUY INVENTING THE LUGE ]
[*Drunk] Hmmm… I wonder what would happen if I slide down this ice mountain on this lawn chair?!
One of the reasons I had to retire early is because I ran out family members that died excuses for not coming in to work.
I’ve realized about a third of my life is spent trying to ignore the fact that I have to pee.
I’ve finally stopped drinking for good.
And I’ve started drinking for evil.
Apparently I can’t enroll someone in anger management classes against their will.
Now what the hell am I supposed to do with my toddler?
My wife says I can’t be a Twitter Dom until I finish my chores.
Her: I don’t even know what the cloning machine does
Me: Well that makes two of us..
i wish i could marry a nap
Me: Let me shift gears for just a second
Bus driver: Go back to your seat!
reasons my cat is yowling:
-she doesn’t want the food in her bowl
-she wants to be picked up
-she wants to be put back down
-she wants to play
-she doesn’t want her toys touched
-the mantelpiece is not high enough
-it’s raining
-the universe is large & she is its queen
*Opens Twitter*…..scrolls 4356 tweets….*checks for abs*
I always keep my eyes closed if I get up in the night to use the bathroom because how else am I meant to stop the sleepiness from escaping?
95% of pet ownership is just saying “hello” to them in various tones.