like my toaster, i too spend a lot of time in my kitchen making sudden movements and burning things.
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When I was a kid I thought shrimp cocktails had alcohol in them and I thought it was such a weird way to get drunk
A big bug flew down my throat during my run this morning so [buys treadmill]
jesus christ confetti not now
Sometimes the best questions do not have immediate answers
when i worked in an office i had an ’emergency google sheet’ that i kept open in a tab all day and if my boss walked by i’d switch to it from twitter and enter 69s and 420s in its cells with a look of great seriousness on my face
the family mocked me when I said I was building a rocket to fire the hamster into space, but I notice they all subscribed to the YouTube channel to watch the official launch
“I don’t see color.”
-dogs
Guy who treats establishing shots like people on here treat sex scenes. Rolls his eyes any time we see a building’s exterior. “The characters are inside. Why do we need to see what the house looks like from the street.” Loudly groans whenever someone pulls up somewhere in a car
Spend $200 on cat toys
Cats: OMFG A Q-TIP
BEN CARSON: On the news I saw a portal to another dimension open & robots came out, we need to stop that
MODERATOR:That was The Avengers sir
Not sure why people with shingles aren’t prescribed roofies.
And send.
I got a car wash 5 days ago and it hasn’t rained yet. Who broke the weather?
Ghost cat: how’d you die?
Ghost dog: i bit a guy that ran over my best pal and they put me down
GC: i got hit by a car
GD: I know
GC: ilu
I want those snacks that have 2 eyes and a scary mouth
-my 3 yo, describing pretzels
It’s embarrassing when my wife pats me down for concealed chicken nuggets in front of our friends.
Rage against the machine? I bet it was a printer.
Thanks for sharing your moon with me on Instagram. We don’t have a moon where I live.
If I was a sushi chef I’d wear divers gear so people knew it was fresh.
One of the coolest things about my new show being on HBO Max is that it’ll probably be released in theaters and on TV the exact same day.
In a shocking twist my children just put on masks to play Grocery Store
Many people don’t know the ceiling fan was invented when a plane crashed into a home and they just left it.
[Quiz show]
Host: “Stephen that is the… CORRECT ANSWER!!”
Me: “Oh my. I can’t believe it!”
Host: “Congratulations! You have won Who Wants to Win a Million Bears!”
Me: “This is amaz- what did you just say?”
The story of George Washington chopping down the cherry tree is my favorite tale of honesty, integrity, and giving a child an ax
If I had a yoshi I would ride him to work every day.
“Sup bob, see you got a new Kia, guess what I got, a fricken yoshi dude”
me: *getting to class really late and hungover* ugh please don’t call on me
student: professor?
me: shit
Getting out of bed the other night to go pee and the monster grabbed my leg, he said I can’t live like this anymore tell your wife to get rid of all these damn boxes under here.
Waitress: Welcome to the Karma Cafe
Me: What do you sell here
Waitress: Just desserts
Whoever came up with ‘the world is our oyster’ must’ve really been into mucus.
[trying to impress date]
Him: I want someone who’s not afraid of a little PDA.
Me: *keys I WANT THE SEX into the side of his car*
I hate to get all political but unity begins with universal cell phone chargers