Like my wife always says, just because I’ve never seen it before doesn’t mean I didn’t lose it.
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“You can definitely fit thru there…just get a running start”
~ whiskey
Took my 4yo to the optician to get new glasses and before we left, the optician asked if he had any questions and he thought about it then said “why can’t we just eat cake for breakfast” and I was pleased because I wanted to know the answer to that too
I dont know why people are disappointed when they find out a celebrity crush is married.As if that was their only obstacle to being together
Lmao at people who ‘play Devil’s advocate’ like Lucifer doesn’t already own all the lawyers.
Doctor: Have you noticed any differences since you’ve started the medication?
Me:…I rap a lot less.
*flicks cigarette after a long drag*
Here’s the thi—
*coughs for like ten minutes straight bc I’ve never smoked before*
If Ticketmaster had an outlet store, it would be called the $500 Dollar Tree.
[speed dating]
Her: So, what do you do to unwind?
Mummy: I avoid that at all costs.
[in bed]
HER: talk dirty to me
ME: one time I licked the floor of a subway
HER: I meant-
ME: I use a rat as a loofa
My 4yo sang Old MacDonald but in his version “on that farm he was a cow” which was a plot twist M. Night Shyamalan would be proud of
I do not encourage eating cats. But judging by the amount of time they spend licking themselves, I bet they are probably pretty damn tasty.
I’m always tonguing my cyanide tooth in case someone wants to tell me about their journey.
I scream,
You scream,
We all scream
Because grandpa fell asleep at the wheel again.
pat pat
[Science Meeting, 1924]
Why don’t we tell the people that every snowflake is unique? It’s not like they’ll ever really check
“Let’s do it”
Gave my seat to a blind man on the bus.
Lost my job as a bus driver.
Phone
Me: OWWW *sudden commotion*
Person: What?! What’s HAPPENING?
Me: A spider bit me
P: What kind?
Me: The dead now kind.
15 men all vying for the chance to fight with one woman:
1. The Bachelorette
2. The American presidential race
Samsies.
the hulk is green because he’s not ripe yet
I was caught in a nuclear reactor with a jar of spiders in my pocket, so now I’m half man, half jar.
Twitter fine art
Any sink has a garbage disposal if you push hard enough.
Wanted:
Someone to chew my food and feed me like a baby bird. No weirdos.
People: it’s important to limit your children’s screen time
School System: y’all heard about virtual learning?
Some baby on this plane is singing the ABCs all out of order and a guy just shouted “yes girl remix!!”
Mobster: we need to set up a shell company
Lobster: let me handle this, boss
“Hey dad”
Liam Neeson: OMG WERE U-
“Just called to say hi”
Neeson: [Gutted] Oh. Thanks. Well give me a call if-
“If I get taken, yes I know”
“You know who needs more attention? Celebrities. Maybe we could give them trophies or something.” Good idea, Oscar. What’d you have in mind?
Starlord: Galaxy. Superman: Earth. Spiderman: NYC. And then there’s Daredevil micromanaging the shit out of 10 blocks in midtown Manhattan.