@TheBoydP

Like my wife always says, just because I’ve never seen it before doesn’t mean I didn’t lose it.

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@SamDeLanche

We only speak to our two year old with a British accent. She’s going to be the coolest kindergartner in Kansas.

@ProgPro

“Hell yeah Trump got impeached looks like he’s finally out of office!”

*Deletes tweet*

*2 minutes later*

“Wow none of you know what impeachment means the senate still has to vote before he’s removed from office go take a college course”

@just1fool

5: “Why is the moon so bright?”

Me: “It’s not, it’s pretty dim actually.”

Moon: “I heard that.”

@samdunsiger

“Make it rain” is the only appropriate response when asked if you want parmesan cheese.

@CrisMtzgr

People are ruining the word Daddy, my kids are going to have to call me ‘homie’ or some shit.

@seamusmckracken

Confuse people by affixing “but not necessarily at this juncture” to the end of each sentence.

@yoyoha

“Eat her already!” – Animal watching people kissing

@ashleycrem

I had children for two reasons; I wanted to start a loving family, and I needed a quick excuse to leave things.

@buttgh0st

[following girl off elevator] you cant hate snakes and then say u love dragons, because theyre actually extremely similar. in a lot of mytho