We only speak to our two year old with a British accent. She’s going to be the coolest kindergartner in Kansas.
Like my wife always says, just because I’ve never seen it before doesn’t mean I didn’t lose it.
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“Hell yeah Trump got impeached looks like he’s finally out of office!”
*2 minutes later*
“Wow none of you know what impeachment means the senate still has to vote before he’s removed from office go take a college course”
5: “Why is the moon so bright?”
Me: “It’s not, it’s pretty dim actually.”
Moon: “I heard that.”
My son is 2,000 years old and still lives with His parents. #loser
“Make it rain” is the only appropriate response when asked if you want parmesan cheese.
People are ruining the word Daddy, my kids are going to have to call me ‘homie’ or some shit.
Confuse people by affixing “but not necessarily at this juncture” to the end of each sentence.
“Eat her already!” – Animal watching people kissing
I had children for two reasons; I wanted to start a loving family, and I needed a quick excuse to leave things.
[following girl off elevator] you cant hate snakes and then say u love dragons, because theyre actually extremely similar. in a lot of mytho