Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Loan Officer: And the reason for the loan?

Me: I need printer ink.

Roommate and I got our first electric bill and long story short we’re now Amish

Sea lions are faster than humans on both land and sea, so if you face one in a triathlon, you really need to make up time on the cycling.

Playdough smells better than other philosophers

I’m not saying women are smarter than men, but its kinda ironic that there’s so few known women serial killers and so many unsolved murders.

My dad could kick ur dads ass!

Um have u seen my dad

Hes a big guy huh?

No really have u seen him? He left when I was 9 & never came back

Loan me a couple bucks?
“Sure”
*throws 2 huge deer carcasses on counter*
Dude where did u get those?
“…”
Can I even pay with these?

Niagara Falls
Me: “OMG are you okay?! That was a bad one!”

i don’t understand the desire to rock climb. we have stairs for that now. solved problem

They think they may have found Amelia Earhart’s plane. Gosh, I hope she’s alright.

Mugger: “Give me your wallet and watch.”

*hand over my wallet*

Me: “Okay, I’m watching.”

*interrupts eulogy*
SOMEONE SAID THAT ALMOST WORD FOR WORD AT THE LAST FUNERAL

*looking a gift horse in the mouth*

– British dentists

If there were Doritos on the tree in the garden of Eden, they would not have had to wait for the snake. Adam and Eve would have eaten those things first day. They would have known all about good and evil.

My husband has forbidden me to go to Costco when I’m hungry. I don’t understand. How hard is it to eat 47 rotisserie chickens?

I’m not trying to tell you young brothers how to sell ya demo tapes, but those people charging their Tesla in public can’t go anywhere for 15 to 20 minutes. Just walk up and start freestyling. Freestyle to enough Tesla owners sooner or later you hittin somebody in the industry.

I’ll never reveal my secrets.

Alcohol: Lol.

My cousin’s kid had some raffle at her school, I have no idea what for, all I know is she asked me to buy a ticket, so I did, long story short I now own a crossbow.

I really hope my house is haunted and not in need of structural repairs

doctor who has a passion for magic, during a colonoscopy: is this your card?

I named my toilet Jim instead of John and now everyone is always so impressed when I tell them I go to the Jim everyday.

Well, my evening plans are ruined

Son: What’s for dinner

Me: Tater tots

Son: What else?

Me: Since your mom put an open bag in the freezer backwards so I couldn’t tell it was open and you didn’t sweep the floor like you were told. I’d say dog fur

One time I was at a bar with some friends and I told my one friend he was being belligerent (he was) and for the rest of the night he was like “oh I’m belligerent huh? I’m belligerent?” And it was clear he didn’t know what the word meant

When I die, throw me on Mt. Everest so it looks like I was trying to do something.

18 years old: let’s eat pizza at 1am and feel amazing
40 years old: I ate a chicken sandwich at 9pm and had heartburn for two days

[God making coconuts]

ANGEL: Hair on the outside?

GOD: Yes

ANGEL: Milk on the inside?

GOD: Yes

ANGEL: So, this is another mammal?

GOD: [taking bong rip] lmao, no

bank website: you have one password attempt remaining before we kill your entire family

He lifts up my shirt only to have a full serving of broccoli fall out, steamed to perfection

When a pig loses his leg, wouldn’t it be a hamputation?