like Neil Degrasse Tyson, I’ll make you question everything (specifically why you started talking to me)
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My math teacher thought it would be fun to use food as props to demonstrate math equations.
Sadly, I got sausages.
I can’t think of a wurst problem!
#HatDadJoke #IWroteThisStinker
I deserve an Oscar for my performance of “oh I’ve never tried this before” while getting samples at Costco
Waiter: I see you glass is empty, would you like another one?
Dad: Why would I want two empty glasses?
Valet parking is cool because obviously I didn’t spend the last five years meticulously fine-tuning the positions of my seat, steering wheel, and mirrors, by all means please do just shove everything wherever you want it for the one minute you’ll be driving my car
I hate when I’m in a room with 3 other people, & I have to shove the entire kit kat in my mouth.
A friend text me after the election to ask how I was doing. Now she says I’m mad at her because I haven’t answered, but I’m still typing.
I’m a new werewolf and I have questions
-where am I going
-do I have to stay up all night I like to go to sleep at 9pm
-is howling at the moon necessary I have sensitive vocal chords
-do i really have to hunt & kill things I have a gluten allergy can I just go to Whole Foods
Literally! 🤣 #dogs
[gets to heaven, transforms into angel]
God: Here’s your white gown
and— You JUST got here. How did you already spill spaghetti sauce all over yourself?
I wonder if my girlfriend jenniferbobmarklayla4362774463564636688 survived the bot purge?
*Arrives at the barbers*
“I’d like some highlights please”
*Barber puts on video of old haircuts*
My ability to attract girls has increased exponentially since I started my new hobby ‘crying whilst pushing round an empty stroller’
I thought about giving up my sexual innuendo tweets but it’s too hard.
[bean naming]
Angel: okay, this one?
God: it’s black, so black bean
A: and this?
G: lol that looks like a kidney— kidney bean!
A: k, and this one?
G (giggling): GARBANZOOOOOoooooo!!
A: … dude, you alright?
Dude yapping nonstop at the gym just said he works out in the afternoons to avoid people who talk. Is it okay to fling a dumbbell at him?
Please don’t cry
Seeing your tears makes me have to pee
Me: It’s time to lose my quarantine 15.
Girl Scouts: Hold my cookies.
well, this sucks. apparently anti bird spikes work on you even if you’re not a bird but just like sitting high
Shout out to the lifeguard who recommended moving the potato to the front of my speedo
“boys are only interested in one thing” yes and that thing is artisanal olive oils
ME: Is there a ghost in here?
{everything shakes, dishes shatter in kitchen, books fall off shelves}
Ouija Board: {slides to no}
ME: phew
Twas the night before Christmas, all through the house not a creature was stirring not even my vodka martini because it’s shaken not stirred
When one door closes another one opens. I should really get this cabinet fixed.
Accordion to current studies, 90% of you did not realize that this sentence started with a musical instrument.
“Damn you, Autocorrect!!!!” – Mark Zuckerberg, who had intended to announce that he was giving away 99% of his socks
I guess the creator of Pop Rocks was like:
Sugar isn’t enough, they need to detonate
[first day as detective]
Me: it looks like he was shot in the head
Partner: any sign of forced entry?
Me, pointing at bullet wound: well yeah
Just a phase…
[Hiking]
Me: Want some trail mix?
Her: This is just a sandwich bag full of rocks and twig-
Me: All from this trail!
My daughter: I know everything
Me: What’s the capital of brazil?
My daughter: that’s a secret