Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

My search history at 25:
-best countries to hike
-how much tequila is lethal
-lamborghinis on sale

My search history at 50:
-what does a stroke feel like
-how much ibuprofen is lethal
-most nutritious cat food

Good morning to everyone except the sentient computer who locked me out of the space station

due to inflation you can now eat food that has been on the floor for up to 7.3 seconds

Telling a mother her baby is cute is like giving your compliments to the chef

Me: and for my last wish, I want to be hung like a horse.
Genie: As you command. *a massive, extra strong gallows and noose appears*

Oh my god gurrrll, he said WHAT? Told you men are trash now did I, alright gimme the tea!

I told my husband last night that I have a lot of hobbies but I’m not very good at any of them, “like cooking for example” and this man, whom I have fed every single day for 10 years, had the audacity to respond “but there are other hobbies you are good at.”

WIFE *stuck on crossword puzzle*: I need a four-letter word for “Identical”.

ME *also stuck on crossword puzzle*: same.

Leonardo: Let’s go rescue April!!
Donatello: Let’s do it!
Raphael: Bodacious!!
Michelangelo: Totally!!
Vincent: *cuts off ear* give her this

A geneticist’s refrigerator has a CRISPR drawer

Pretty sure I’ve gotten as far as I’m going to get in life on my looks.

Narrator: He he not gotten very far.

Me: My wife got me a telescope for Christmas.

Neighbor: Nice. I got-

Me: I know. I watched you guys open everything.

My ex is fat!!! Yay…I win!!!

The expression “you catch more bees with honey” also could imply that you may get stung by said bees.

Him: Why are you watching WWE all of a sudden?

Me: I’m trying to learn new holds for when I have to floss the kids’ teeth

Me: Don’t tell me you’ve never thought about having sex with me.

Her: No, I never have….

Me: I asked you not to tell me that.

John won’t let me go to dinner in my towel even thought it is my favorite outfit

I remember when a computer didn’t automatically connect to the internet, it used to make a screaming noise. We should have listened.

my 3yo found a whistle and is refusing to give it to me so do I just throw the whole kid out or nah?

It’s like my racist grandpa used to say: “Good morning.”

That unrepentant bigot had many flaws, but cordial salutations wasn’t one of them.

Cop: SHOW ME YOUR HANDS!

Me: *puts hands out*

Cop: wait… are you the hand model for Rolex?

Me: *blushing* guilty

Cop [winking aggressively]: Uh oh someone’s gonna have to serve some TIME

God: let’s make their hands able to become cups so they can drink

Angel: that’s pretty cool

G: but only a little bit

A: ooookaaaayy…

G: and they’re leaky as hell

A: there it is

ME: we should do this agai-

DATE: im busy that day

WORM: Why do caterpillars think they are better than us?
OTHER WORM: *is drowning in a very shallow puddle*

what’s the point of liking a tweet if someone who is infatuated with me can’t see it and analyse what it means

Cobra Kai: sweep the leg!

Cobra: the what

after a certain point in life the “walk of shame” is about a plunger

If you send me a voice note exceeding 20 seconds, I will consider it a podcast and not listen to it.

I have never bought a snack faster on name alone in my life.

I tried to pay with cash today, and the kid at the register looked at me like I was showing him a magic trick.