Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Okay I try very hard to be respectful of the gentle parenting camp but I laughed out loud at this.

if you give me a serious answer to a silly question I’m giving you a wedgie

[my first day as a mechanic]

customer: i need an oil change

me: ma’am, i’m pretty sure it’s actually your car that needs an oil change

Once I burned my Trailer down when I left a candle burning after a romantic date. To keep my street cred, I claimed it was a meth explosion.

You talk an awful lot for someone who claims to advocate for peace.

Science has enough bodies I’m donating mine to English lit just to spice things up a bit

Old cordless phones, for when you really need to be on the phone, but also need to sword fight the cat.

Teacher: Fill out the parent form.

Me: Why?

Teacher: So I can contact you if your kid gets in trouble.

Me: *writing* Raised. By. Wolves.

[Googling]

How many calories in a glass of white wine?

*45 minutes later*

[Googling]

How many calories in a bottle of white wine?

PRO TIP: If a girl in a hot bikini DMs you about crypto, ignore him.

*eating lawn mower parts*

what, it’s grass fed

I woke up with an almighty hangover to the sound of my neighbour mowing his lawn at 8am.

He’ll have to mow round me, I’m not moving.

me: I carry a lot of stress right here
masseuse: this is a brain scan

Apparently everyone in this Court room doesn’t want to play Duck Duck Goose……Excuse me for trying to lighten up this murder trial.

hot girls be like I know a place and it’s this

me: i’ll have the mouse for dessert

waiter: that’s mousse, sir

me: hmm, that’ll be too much

Writer joke:
Wife: “You need to do more chores around the house”.
Husband: “Can we change the subject?”
Wife: “Ok, more chores around the house need to be done by you.”

They should develop AI that can translate bird calls.
Call it ChatCheepyT

*lays head on homeless guys lap*

“You would not believe the day I had”

It’s called a sports bra bc the actual sport is trying to get it off oneself after a hard workout.

Telling my husband he got his days mixed up and my quarantine is actually another day so he doesn’t see how messy I’ve let this room get.

becoming “fast friends” with someone is fun, but let’s not forget fast enemies. you ever meet someone and immediately you’re just like oh yeah this person is my enemy now

I use the phrase “when I win the lottery” a lot for someone who never buys any lottery tickets.

I don’t know what I’d do if a pen leaked in my mouth. I dread tooth ink.

Me: this is shit, I’m changing the channel
Wife: leave the baby monitor alone

If you can’t remember my name, just say ‘donuts’. I’ll turn around and look.

Me: Dad gave me a sip of beer when I was 6 and I hated it. It was really effective in helping me to not rely on alcohol when dealing with my anger issues.

Prison Psychiatrist: you killed 8 people.

Me: yeah but I was super Zen about it

To ‘There’s a Hole in the Bucket’

I can’t access my network
Dear IT, Dear IT
I can’t access my network
Dear IT, access

Then check your email
Dear cheeky, dear cheeky
Then check your email
Dear cheeky, check it

I can’t access my network
Dear IT, dear IT
(repeat endlessly)

🌲😼

Free advice: Saying “meaty shaft” in a corporate meeting is like saying bomb on an airplane.