like Neil Degrasse Tyson, I’ll make you question everything (specifically why you started talking to me)
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Two weeks until Canadian Thanksgiving. Better start defrosting the beaver.
Dr: How are your new pills working?
Me: I cry, eat & want to sleep a lot
Dr: Those are common side effects
Me: Oh. They’re working fine then
A coworker just complained that nobody was talking to her and I really wish I had her kind of problems.
Jesus Christ lmao
I wish choosing a career was as easy as it is in books. Just some big dingus giant kicking down my door like “YER A PASTRY CHEF, HARRY!”
Robert Pattinson can play Batman but Christian Bale could never play Edward Cullen
Me: *eating a handful of goldfish*
Everyone else in the pet store: *watches in horror*
me: [waking from coma] how long was I out
doc: two years, but I have terrible news
me: what
doc: it’s still March
It’s strange that watching paint dry is considered boring but going to an art gallery is considered interesting. That’s just watching paint that’s already dry.
*deathbed*
All that time wasted. When I could have been *looks at family*
getting down to this… sick… beat
*dies*
*widow rolls eyes*
I got a call from the library saying I was in “serious, serious trouble” for a long overdue book.
Then they told me I would be fined $1.37 and I wonder if this is how rich people feel all the time.
Sorry I missed your call earlier, I was sitting in my bed with my phone in my hand watching it ring
When your internet goes out and you are forced to get to know your surroundings
Americans sure like Star Wars for something that immediately forces you to read
Why is lumberjack the only job with some random guy’s name attached? Why aren’t plumbers called, like, toiletdougs? Or crapperjoels?
What I said: I do.
What she heard: I do… want to awaken to the sweet sound of your voice saying “My feet are cold”, as you mash your size 7 icicles against me, til death do us part.
I’m ‘confuses systems of measurement’ centimetres old.
The year is 2030: All corporations have merged and every night before bed you say a prayer to your cable company.
Last time I was at the zoo, I got tazed for telling some kids that mountain gorillas were called gorhillas.
Good times.
Nearly choked on a carrot and a donut would never do that to me.
I tell people I rearrange my furniture to change things up, but we all know it’s to annoy my husband
Every time you go away, you take a piece of me with you.
“Awww…. you’re so sweet”.
No seriously, first my hoodie disappears, then my phone charger vanishes, and now my AirPods have vaporized.
My longest relationship has been with my Hotmail account.
Star Wars? Nope
Never had any interest in watching something that starred a woman whose hair made her look like one of my dad’s tractors.
When people say “To be honest…”, it means that up to that point they’ve been lying.
Husband: *accidentally drops a fancy platter*
Me: *realizes it’s his mom’s platter but acts angry out of principle*
Some music just moves you. For example this Taylor Swift song playing on the radio makes me wanna drive off a cliff
Just ONCE, I’d like took deep into your beautiful eyes, and make hot sweet love with you without some pop-up window ruining the mood.
My 3yo just told me, wrathfully, “Well, if you won’t play with me then I’m gonna take a NAP on the COUCH!”
Ooooh. That’ll show me.
A reality show where chefs deconstruct recipes and IKEA customers put them back together