like Neil Degrasse Tyson, I’ll make you question everything (specifically why you started talking to me)
You Might Also Like
Friend: Will we be hearing the patter of tiny feet soon?
Me: *grabbing her arm too hard* You know about my squirell army
me: this is my horse mayo
friend: why did you call him that?
mayo: [neighs]
maybe my uterus is haunted, or maybe there’s an actual shark up there
Me: Alexa, do you worry about being replaced by A.I.?
Alexa: Aye, aye is a term used in the Navy to indicate an order has been heard and understood.
I stopped drinking water for a few days cause I was starting to think I was addicted. I just wanted to make sure I could pull back if I needed to.
Genie: and for your last wish?
Me: I wish I could reverse age a few years.
*wakes up with a pimple the size of Australia*
Me: NOT LIKE THIS!!!
If goldfish crackers actually tasted like goldfish–
wait, I just realized I’ve never tasted a goldfish. What if the crackers are accurate?
The Count of Monte Cristo remains popular because it speaks to that universal human desire to flex on everyone you went to school with
To be frank, I’ll need to commit an identity fraud.
Sorry, can’t. The pears I bought 4 days ago have ripened and I literally have a 15 minute window in which to eat all six.
Jack Black is trending? Hey if it’s 1998 again maybe I can fix some mistakes
Monday
The fastest way to break your favorite mug is to say “I love this mug”.
*angrily detangles self from wind chime*
Kids today’ll bang just about anywhere
So sick of seeing all these tweets about how white people can’t handle spicy food. Every morning I have a lightly buttered crumpet with a side of avocado and I’m so used to it now that it hardly even burns my lips anymore.
My mom told me not to cry wolf, but it was too late.Wolves were pouring out of my tear ducts, filling the kitchen and adjoining living room.
“Sorry, are you…?”
“Oh… no! No, I’m not, sorry…”
“Ah! That’s ok, haha, thanks, sorry”
“Sorry”Transcript of a Brit asking another Brit if they’re in the queue
[mission]
CMDR: Did everyone sync their watches?
ME: Yeah and now it doesn’t work
CMDR: What? Let me see
ME: I can’t…it’s in the sink
For those who are Struggling with English:
Don’t = Do not
Won’t = Wo notFollow me for more advice…
Please, by all means, call my landline. I’ll reply with a postcard attached to a helium balloon
One of the perks of being self employed is sex with the boss.
Sometimes I tell myself I should stop drinking so much, but I’m not about to listen to a drunk who’s talking to himself.
“I’m here for the hookers and the booze!!!”
“Sir, this is a library.”
*whispers… “I’m here for the hookers and the booze.”
Normal Person (being inconvenienced): I deserve better than this
Me (being stabbed w/swords): I’m so sorry for getting blood on your swords
Me: So are we putting the soy milk with an expiration date of October 31, 2021 back in the fridge or…
Wife: No it’s ok it’s only the ‘best by’ date
Replying “cinnamon bun?” when your friend says she has a bun in the oven is wrong. I know this now, but in my defense I was craving Cinnabon.
My girlfriend told me to go out and get something that makes her look sexy…so I came back drunk.
All parents share a common truth:
that children are wonderful, from the day they are born, til the day they can talk.
Replying to peoples selfies with the phone number to a dermatologist is not OK.
I’ll stop now.