Like, obviously I’m against a baby fight club on a moral basis but in terms of humor it’s gold
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Website: Make a password
Me: Ok
Website: Make it STRONGER so you don’t get HACKED
Me: Wow alright
Website: Damn that’s a strong password
[1 Week Later]
Website: You got hacked
Me: But my password was so strong
Website: Yeah the whole site got hacked. Our bad
Sorry I commented on that video of your kid taking his first steps with “aw look you taught it how to walk on its hind legs!”
Just once I wanna slide down a dinosaur at the end of my workday, is that so much to ask for?
How’s it going?
“I’m so glad you asked, really need to talk to someone right now”
You’re supposed to say ‘fine’ & ask how I am. Bye.
I just realized that I forgot to scan the 2 packs of sparkling water at target on Sunday. Apparently this is how my life of crime begins.
What kind of rifle do comedians use?
JK47’s.
Shoot me.
Not to brag, but I have one of those metabolisms that I can eat anything I want and still get fat
KIDS: trick or treat
ME: hang on guys I’m still setting up the sushi bar. Who likes eel?
Tried a Peloton. Just like most other things I eat it left me unfilled, underwhelmed, gave me heartburn. Two out of five stars, tops. There are better snacks out there.
People who say “teamwork makes the dream work” are the reason that some people want to punch other people in the face.
Guys if ur drinking tonight please remember this; u can always use a frozen hot dog if u run out of ice. Ok stay safe & keep it real.
My brain is a bad influence on me
[high school reunion]
Amanda: wow, you haven’t changed a bit
me: [covered in acne and wearing faded Pokemon shirt]: yeah I know
No
one
yums like Gaston
Eats iced plums like Gaston
Knows you saved them but craves them, succumbs like Gaston
Her: I’m so wet
Him: I’m so hard
Eavesdropping alien: These people are bad at describing themselves.
INTERVIEWER: you got the job when can you start
ME: this year for sure
Not sure why I drink anymore..I get the same effect from standing up too fast.
Helena Bonham Carter eats eight spiders a day. Not in her sleep, just whenever.
[job interview]
“What’s your biggest weakness?”
I make poor decisions
“Can you explain?”
Sure, but let’s do some shots first
the cashier at taco bell gave me the senior discount without asking me. I’m 38.
[boss’s office]
BOSS: Do you like my fire place?
ME: Actually, it’s one word: “fireplace”
BOSS: You’re fired
ME: Oh, I get it now
would Iove a queer bar called something normal. Instead it’s like here I am spending another night at the gaping hole
Me: whaddu mean “no”
Donut shop employee: we cannot pump the custard directly into your mouth to “save hella time”
🎶I Heard Mommy Screaming at Santa Claus🎶
– assembling my bike… I was about 6
A great summer prank is to park your car just outside the mall with a fully cooked ham in baby clothes strapped into a child seat.
[in bed]
Me: Don’t you love being on top?
Date: *peering down from top bunk* this isn’t what I had in mind
Me: shhh, you’re gonna wake my mom
Was listening to Linkin Park and a student said “I didn’t know you liked oldies!”