Like, obviously I’m against a baby fight club on a moral basis but in terms of humor it’s gold
You Might Also Like
Receptionist: The doctor will see you now.
Me: *applying camouflage paint* I very much doubt that.
My family keeps leaving the door open- what type of exterminator handles flies, mosquitoes, and houseguests?
[airline check-in]
SERVICE DESK: ok, I see you have no bags to check, you must be traveling light
PHOTON (wearing fake mustache): haha what makes you say that
2 Beers = 1 Tweet
5 Beers = 3 Tweets
9 Beers = 7 Tweets
12 Beers = 12 Tweets
24 Teers = 30 Beets
Villain: Does crimes.
Super Villain: Does crimes, uses self-aggrandizing adjectives.
I’ve only been awake for an hour, but I’ve already been fooled 38 times.
THE POPE: i always get roof and ceiling mixed up lol
MICHELANGELO: what
[at a bar]
CUTE GIRL: *grabs my arm* hey there
ME: *mouth full of food* did you know a lobster on a kabob is called a kablobster
My 6yo asked me if she’s gonna have pubic hair one day and when I told her yes she said, “well, I award THAT zero points.” Today she awarded cheese 100 points. This is the only scale I’ll be using from now on.
THEM: where are you from
ME: canada
THEM: no, where are you FROM from
ME: ooohh…! canada
THEM: no, like what’s your background
ME: oooh…!
[shows them my phone background]
Operator: 911, what’s your emergency?
Me: Yeah, so I’ve heard of leaving your kid at the fire station, do they do pickup as well?
The reason I don’t like Facebook’s “memories” feature is because it shows me 6 years ago wearing the same shirt I have on right now.
captain: enemy sub approaching, activate the sauna
1st mate: dont you mean sonar
captain (already in towel): full steam ahead
If Keanu Reeves was marooned on an island by a pirate captain with a loaded musket and a loaf of bread, he’d definitely shoot the bread.
I hate when I’m waiting for the elevator and someone else casually walks up and presses the button to open the elevator door.
feeling cute. might rob a bank later.
Salad was likely invented after someone picked everything they didn’t like out of their meal and put it on a separate plate.
8yr old: I’m teaching myself sign language and I’m so upset! Why would they do this?!?
Me: Do what?
8: Do you know what the sign for cactus is?
Me: I do not.
8: It’s the middle finger! I can’t use the middle finger!
Me: Well, I mean, how often do you say cactus?
8: That’s fair.
Went on a family vacation and 80% of the pics are my 11yo looking like her dog just died
The cashier at the grocery store was flirting with my husband, and I’m a little mad because she didn’t even give him a discount.
me: are you a cop you talk the talk.
ex-cop: not anymore
me: couldn’t walk the walk huh.
ex-cop: no didn’t lock the locks.
DATE: Tell me about yourself
ME: I own 7 pens!
D: I meant, like, something personal
M:*Sadly* I lie about how many pens I own to impress ppl
Don’t wake a sleeping baby, and don’t make eye contact with a playing toddler.
America only considers a war a success if we build a Bed Bath and Beyond in the enemy’s capital.
I don’t gamble. I don’t do drugs.
I guess my only real vice is Twitter. Well, that and lying about gambling & drugs.
[in bed]
ME: [turning off table lamp] I’ve finally finished my book
WIFE: What happened in the end?
ME: I saw his stripy shirt behind a tree
I need all your thoughts and prayers, I’m fine, but my niece is staying with us and I forgot how many questions a 9 year old asks
sounds kinky. i’m in.
…& against the advice of everyone in the drum circle greg unsealed the pack of natural hemp paper & rolled the 7th blunt, summoning the four hippies of the hackey sackolypse
Beer before liquor never been sicker. Taco Bell before wine no 69