Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Her: It would really mean a lot to my mother if you came

Me *pulling out*: I know she wants grandkids but we’re not ready

Hey people who say “they’re not wrong!”: there is a word for “not wrong.”

Me: hey girl r u an earthquake
Her: aw bc I rock ur world?
Me: no bc your unpredictability threatens the entire foundation of my existence

Great news everyone! the priest who took my confession is expected to make a full recovery

I want to fight these b*****s who are 28 saying, “I’m so old!” but I can’t because I hurt my neck looking down at the ground.

as a kid, there really wasn’t anything I wanted to be when i grew up. and boy have i nailed it.

[in space]
ASTRONAUT: Up here you can have delusions
ME: Haha I don’t think so
A: They can seem real
GANDALF: Don’t believe him
ME: I don’t

Please, keep trying unsuccessfully to suck the snot back up in your nose instead of using a tissue. Everyone loves the noise you’re making.

“this is the biggest toilet I’ve ever seen”

I really wish they had told me this before I got to the morgue

Missed my workout yesterday which makes it four years in a row

[yelling to bartender in crowded nightclub] WHAT KIND OF CAPRI SUN FLAVORS DO YOU HAVE?

Ever had sex so bad you felt like calling a manager to complain?

Once again, I’m sorry that I described your newborn twins as “a bit samey samey”.

Twitter is the new flypaper.

My wife asked if I got everything at the store, I told her no just what wasn’t on the list.

Me: Find a penny, pick it up and all day long you’ll have good luck!

Penny: Please put me down

We all suspected Tide Pods were a gateway detergent. Sure, they seem innocent, but the next thing you know, you’re mainlining Lysol.

Again this year, I’m giving up Hershey’s chocolates for Lindt…

Hairstylist: So…whatcha thinkin?
Me: This…(shows pic of supermodel)
Hairstylist: Aww… bless your heart

Me accepting an Oscar: and I’d like to thank the designer who made my beautiful gown: the 5 rats who live in the alley behind my house. Not magical rats that can talk or sing, just a normal regular buncha rats – STOP PLAYING THE MUSIC I’M NOT FINISHED

What, this is my emotional support rabid wolf

*buys condoms* So I just eat these and it traps the baby?

I always wondered if the distinct piss smell that Burger King is known for is authentic or if it’s just a spray they use.

Congratulations to the sweater, another year of being the most disgustingly named piece of clothing

My toddler just told me that she’s my best friend.

Then she told me that the toilet is also my best friend.

She’s right about both.

I don’t actually have to be rich I just need access to the parallel universe where I already am rich and just borrow money from me. What am I gonna say no? I wouldn’t, but that’s just me and sometimes I surprise myself.

Me:”The store didn’t have any bread so I brought flour”

Wife:”If they didn’t have butter would you buy a cow”

*sound of hooves in kitchen*

Wife: Will you please move your stupid truck?

Me: I’m sorry, move what?

Wife: Ugh. Will you please move the Colossus of Roads?