Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

ME: I found a genie today
WIFE: that’s wonderful, I have some great ideas for wishes
ME: *looking at brand new unopened copies of Shrek 1, Shrek 2, and Shrek 3* I can’t wait to hear them

road expansion addicts be like “just one more lane bro i promise traffic will be fixed, just one more i can stop whenever”

Material Girl is my favorite song about a seamstress.

It’s like my nana once said….

You know you can block people on Twitter who confuse crochet with knitting, right?

Sometimes, when I’m bored, I tell my mother-in-law to relax.

my chupacabra don’t
my chupacabra don’t
my chupacabra don’t want none unless you got goats, hon

The moment Alan realised that maybe he’s not really suited to emotional support dog work after all.

The self checkout lane was invented by a man who was sent to the store to buy tampons.

[Interview with a Vampire]

Interviewer: hah, your resume says ‘bleedership skills’, what a funny typo!

Vampire: *nervously tapping fingers, not making eye contact*

I only had a few friends before I got on Twitter.

Now I don’t have any.

Receptionist: the doctor can see you now

invisible man who’s also blind: who said that

receptionist: who said that

7 years ago I met my husband, the love of my life and my baby daddy…

It was awkward at first, but they all seem to be getting along now.

Parenting is like being a dive bartender: people shout drink orders, you have to listen to their problems, and the place looks like a dump.

*84th flr*
CW: You look sad, can I cheer you up?
M: Heard Van Halen’s “Jump”?
CW: Sure!
Me: Jump out that window and sing it on the way down

my boss was like “people working from home are just pretending to work” and it’s like, dude, what do you think i’m doing in the office?

What I like about humanity is that certain mustaches are more evil than others, and everyone basically agrees on which ones are which.

Anyone want a free car? Angry bee inside but otherwise, perfect.

My uber driver asked me how my day was so I opened the door and quietly rolled into the road.

A warning to all – be careful about drink driving as the police are out checking on people. Last night I was out for a few drinks and one thing led to another and I had a few too many, not a good idea & knowing I was over the limit, I decided to leave the car at the pub and took a bus home, I passed the police check point, where they were pulling over drivers and performing breath tests, because I was on a bus they just waved it past. I arrived home safely and no accidents, which was a real surprise because I have never driven a bus before…

Talk to me when you have a shirt & tie that didn’t come in the same box.*

*Grave robbers exempt.

6 more days, guys.. That’s December 26. The day everybody puts their shitty Xmas gifts on Ebay so poor people, like me, can buy them!

Interviewer: Can you explain this space on your resume?

Neil Armstrong: …yes.

My biggest fear is a serial killer brewing a fresh pot of coffee, while I’m trying to play dead.

In the Ben Affleck version, Batman’s parents kill themselves.

I listen to Ed Sheeran in the same way I stuff an entire cupcake in my mouth over the sink hoping no one will see.

I’m so tired of all this cheap chicanery! Sir, where do you keep the expensive chicanery?

I love secret agent movies. You can never tell they’re hiding in plain sight because they are wearing all black and talking to themselves

doctor: i’m afraid you’re dying of asbestos poisoning.

me: 🙁

doctor: but we’ll treat you asbestos we can.

me: 😂

Eating nothing but bacon for my keto diet because I wanna be thin in time for my heart attack