Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

If anyone asks why I’m not in a relationship I’m going to tell them it’s due to supply chain shortages.

*first date*

Her: So what animal would you be?

Me: Oh a cat for sure!

Her: Aw cute!

(Later that night)

Me: *stood next to a closed door screaming at the top of my lungs*

Her: …Ok considerably less cute.

Do kids eat more under quarantine?

Since we stocked the house with food, my son is taking to eating like he’s being personally challenged.

I have a great story to tell u.

“Why don’t u just go write a book”

Wow, that’s-

“Don’t u dare say it-”

a novel idea.

“I’m moving out”

Hey, remember me from last night? You gave me the wrong number but I found you on Facebook. I’m on your porch. Can I come in?

Writing some Valentines, do girls prefer to be called “slick” or “chief”???

I picked up & ate a huge piece of baklava at a coffee shop while standing at the register because I thought they were free samples. I chowed down on that thing in silence while the cashier just stared at me.

People with grown children keep telling me that I’ll miss these days, but I promise you that I will never look back with longing on the time I accidentally woke my toddler up at 2am

-Why do you carry that lazy dog on your shoulders, he can walk
-Mind your business
-Looks like dog actually wants to get down
-I forgot my coat, okay?

BARTENDER: the usual?
ME: *nods*
*bartender hands me a shot glass full of chocolate chips*

“I thought it might be nice to go around the room and have everyone introduce themselves, including a fun fact.”

You thought wrong.

You, a basic, typical hacker: Steals credit cards and identities

Me, a diabolical hacker: Syncs your Twitter account to your phone contacts and unblocks your family’s accounts

GENIE: you have three wishes.
ME: sweet, I wish for pie.
GENIE: okay, whatever, you have 3.14 wishes.

Every photo I’m tagged in

The Man-whisperer. My dog at 6am.

Obviously, it would be hugely childish & wrong to chuckle at Linus & Florian, the backbone of Germany’s hockey team.

Nothing brings a family closer at graduation than a flask.

ME: my dog ate my homework

TEACHER AT MY DOG FOOD CULINARY SCHOOL: that is good

Me: I’m gonna lose weight.
Me: I’m gonna exercise every day.
Me: I’m gonna go on a diet and stick to it.
Me: Is that cake?

If elected I will pour out three fingers of scotch and fill the bottle back up with water so my dad doesn’t notice.

I threw out all the clothes that no longer fit and now I’m a nudist.

ME: Not gonna make it in today. I hurt my updog.
BOSS: What’s updog?
ME: Nothing much, prolly just gonna take a nap.

Here lies a mother, her struggle was valiant but in the end the laundry pile was too big and she couldn’t claw her way out

First rule of cleaning while listening to music: the toilet brush is never the microphone….. Never

My husband witnessed a miracle today. The Amazon truck drove by our house

…without stopping.

[two years ago]

me: planet with the rings?

google: S͟a͟t͟u͟r͟n – Wikipedia

[now]

me: does italy exist

google: nope.

Losing my mind over the idea that pigeons existed before cities. Like can you imagine pigeons just hanging out in a forest? Eating bugs instead of gutter bagels? I personally just don’t buy it.

Our cat is an opera when she’s hungry

Me: Want some trail mix?

Him: That’s just peanut butter m&m’s and some ibuprofen.

Me: It’s homemade.

If I were going to the Met Gala, I would do one of those costumes where it looks like someone’s carrying you.