Like on Amazon or in our house?
[My response when my wife asks me if I can find something for her]
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It’s frankly disgusting that it’s illegal to be an accessory/accomplice. It should never be a crime to be supportive of a friend
I still remember how great water out of a squirt gun tasted. That hint of polyethylene.
I blame cartoon elephants for influencing how I overreact when I see a mouse.
A Spanish friend working in UK happily for years reply to taunts re being kicked out: “Well, I can choose 27 other countries; you can’t”
The neighbours that overlook my garden must be religious. They’re always buying me pants with notes saying ‘for the love of God please wear these’.
“I DON’T CARE IF YOU THINK IT SOUNDS GROSS THAT’S WHAT WE’RE CALLING IT” – Guy who named the sweater.
Imagine how excruciating a conversation between Hodor, Groot, and Timmy from South Park would be.
Shouting “say my name baby” but it’s just me waiting on my takeout order
her: well don’t just stand there, say something
me: they should make paintbrushes that look like bob ross
her: i said i’m pregnant matt
me: his hair could be the brush part
Stop saying “There’s plenty of fish in the sea.” I’m sick of fish seducing all our human women!
ME: This house is haunted by a teenager who died here
HIM: Nothing is happening
ME: It’s midday, he doesn’t get up until mid-afternoon
LITTLE BO PEEP: I’ve lost my sheep! I can’t remember where to find them!
DOCTOR: Sounds like Lambnesia
I was going through a stack of yearbooks yesterday when I saw I was voted “Most Likely to Steal all These Damn Yearbooks”.
Don’t think of Daylight Saving Time as losing an hour of sleep.
Think of it as being one hour closer to breakfast.
My son is sick. His symptoms include; fever, headache, and no desire to play XBox. In other words…it’s very serious.
A tanning bed is a panini grill for people.
Horror movies have given me an unrealistic expectation that there is someone out there that cares enough about me to kill me.
Kid: Mommy what time is it?
Me{Showering}: Go look at the clock
*Kid walks past daddy
*Looks at clock
*Walks back past daddy
Kid: Theres a 2 & a 9 & a 8
Me: Which is first?
*Kid walks past daddy
*Looks at clock
Kid: Now theres 2 nines
Me: It’s 9:..
Kid: WAIT LET ME CHECK AGAIN!
Be nice to your family. They get to pick the picture that will be in your obituary.
To the dude i just saw driving a beat up Ford mini van with spare tire and dream catcher on mirror: that dream catchers not working dude!
[receives death threat]
please stop flirting with me
What’s the difference between a a camera and a sock?
A camera takes photos,
a sock takes 5 toes.#SockDay #SundayVibes #RubbishJokes
LAZINESS LEVEL: PRO!
#NationalLazyDay
i worked at the public library for 3 years. whenever someone returned a book late, i charged the late fee to a fake account. by the time i quit, Mr. Calvin McHobbes of Sparks, Nevada owed $12,793 in overdue fines
i haven’t seen a squirrel outside lately and now all of the sudden taco bell selling wings.. something ain’t right
wife: why is the automatic soap dispenser in the kitch- *hazelnut creamer squirts into her hand*
Alright I’m tired and I’m pretty much out of fake mustaches. I’m going to stop voting now.
I want what every guy wants: To be involved in a rooftop chase.
Haha I chopped a jalapeño without wearing gloves and then rubbed my eye pls kill me.