Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Being an adult is like watching a foreign movie with no subtitles in a crowded theater, everyone else knows what’s going on and you just nod

*gets mustard on my shirt trying to get mustard off my shirt*

My new rescue dog has figured out how to step on the pedal and open the trash can.
I don’t think my children ever learned that.

My favorite part of going on vacation is cleaning the entire house first so that my best friend that’s watching my cats doesn’t see how much of a slob she already knows I am.

my buddy told me he was on a plane and they were like “is there a doctor on board” and he was like “im a paramedic” and they were like “no it’s ok we found a DOCTOR” and the doctor was like “uhhh i haven’t examined a patient since med school can we please bring the paramedic”

anyways turns out the person was just sleeping so everything was fine

Quiz host: Your topic is music

Me: Yes!!

Quiz Host: Which Imagine Dragons song starts quietly followed by the singer yelling the chorus?

Me: You’ve got to be kidding me

Date: You haven’t dated in awhile?

Me: [Wearing Hulk Hands struggling with a burrito] Why do you say that?

Someone asked me what the sound of one hand clapping was so I slapped his face.

ME: You could cut the tension with a knife

CABLE CAR OPERATOR: Please don’t

I lose bobby pins in my hair. Please don’t ask me to babysit your kids.

Kids are hard to predict; and living in 2021 with two young kids who sing along to “Who Let the Dogs Out” was not what I expected.

It was an art back in the day to be able to fit your tweet into 140 characters

Now people tweet chapters and their tweets are still a load of bollocks. See? This one is already far too long. I apologise for wasting your time and omg why are you still reading this rubbish?

*brings pen to sword fight*

Me: ‘This ending kinda writes itself.’

Because of how time works, every photo is a ‘before’ photo.

Therapist: What is your greatest fear

Me: That Daniel Day Lewis could be playing the role of any person in my life

Therapist: *starts shifting very uncomfortably*

“I just read last year 4,153,237 people got married. I don’t want to start any trouble, but shouldn’t that be an even number?”

Good marriage requires communication: My wife tells me I’m wrong, and I tell her she’s right.

The ketchup bottle always teaches you new ways it can destroy your shirt.

Some people are like 5yr olds, they shake heads in agreement, but you KNOW by the look in their eyes, they have no clue what you just said.

My kids are scream-fighting because one pretend-ate all of the toy food, in case you wanted to know why some parents drink.

me: you can’t take all that candy to school

son: then what do I do with it?

me: you leave it here

son: here? with you?

How to find Kentucky on a map

someone explain to me 72 hour protection deodorants and antiperspirants.
If you bathe everyday, that like defeats the whole purpose right??

Don’t make me angry. You wouldn’t like me when I’m angry. Yes I remain sweet & quiet but on the inside I’m composing a strongly worded email

Can’t. Busy training my new cat to bite people who show up unannounced

King-sized beds: Because you both want to sleep on the same mattress, but not in the same zip code.

INTERVIEWER: It says here you can’t read
ME: thanks what else does it say

Oh eggs, through yonder window break. For I am the olive oil, and Juliet is the vinegar. Salt to taste. Blend to desired thickness

– Romayo and Juliet

*Japanese Zen garden tour*
Guide: It’s important to be quiet & not disturb the-
*Me from back eating huge bag of chips*: DUDE WE CANT HEAR U

Say what you will about the state of the world, but now feels like a really good time to start marketing my C̶u̶l̶t̶ C̶o̶m̶m̶u̶n̶e̶ Adult Summer Camp