Her: What if this is our last day alive?
Me: Then I should probably take some stuff off my computer…
Like PAC-MAN before me, I too feel pursued by the ghosts of my past, consume mindlessly without end, and enjoy fruit.
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Before going to the dentist I like to eat taffy & pumpkin seeds. It’s makes me feel like I’m getting my money’s worth.
I wonder if anyone ever looked Jesus in the face and saw a piece of toast.
5-year-old: Why is there a baseball bat under your bed?
Me: In case there’s a burglar.
5: Why do burglars like to play baseball?
*host clinks glass* “Everyone we’re having a baby”!
*whispers to other guest* “Oh come on! I told them I was a vegetarian.”
Beer is so smart that if you drink enough, right around your midsection, it builds a shelf for you to rest bottles on.
Friend: You have guacamole on your face.
Me: *wipes it off with finger, smears it on her cheek*
You have guacamole on your face.
Ground Control: the papers want to know whose shirts you wear!
Major Tom: tell my wife I love her very—
Ground Control: WHAT SHIRTS TOM
Sometimes words just aren’t enough.
And that’s why we have middle fingers.