Like PAC-MAN before me, I too feel pursued by the ghosts of my past, consume mindlessly without end, and enjoy fruit.
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who will stop them
All I’m saying is, the minute Canada starts refining its maple syrup reserves into weapons-grade Aunt Jemimium, we’re all French toast.
I use algebra every day for work. I was promised in high school that this would never happen.
I pretend to the cashier lady to have two adorable children whenever I’m buying mom jeans.
I don’t know why I always end up behind the old lady who is trying to do a reverse mortgage on her home at the ATM.
What’s the issue officer?
Officer: You have no idea why I pulled you over?
I have some ideas, but would like to hear your opinion first.
My 3yo nephew asked if he could marry me. I told him no because I already have a boyfriend. He thought for a bit and said, “But I have a scooter.” ❤️
I fully support any type of marriage that doesn’t involve me.
They grow up so quick
When Germans combine words, we get things like “flutter mouse” and “river horse.” When the English do it, we get “jorts.”
Omg. It happened again.
I was using the flashlight on my phone. To look for my phone.
Help me 😩
Just saw a woman, covered in red paint, running and screaming from an abandoned country house, LOL good prank.
My GPS just made a mistake and the voice said “sorry about that” and then it switched to a different persons voice for the rest of the trip??? Did…the robot…get fired??
I’m so scared of shoplifters I immediately shoot anyone who walks into the store. I don’t even work here.
doing your own taxes
My 4yr old has started prefaceing questions with, “but don’t say no” and he’s got a lot to learn about disappointment
Dear women with cucumber slices on their eyes… you’re using it wrong.
[interview at a clothing store]
be cool, don’t let them know you’re a dog
“so what color is this dress?”
oh you gotta be kidding me
During my prostate exam I asked the doctor, “where should I put my pants”? “Over there by mine”, was not the answer I was expecting.
(seeing your lamp) you have a pet sun! (touching it, it burns) and i see it’s not trained very well 😐
one mistake some cult leaders make is predicting armageddon will happen on a specific day. embarrassing to explain afterwards. if i ever lead a group of devoted followers i’d keep shit like that pretty vague
Avoid the horror of watching your children’s nativity this year by using a condom approximately six years before you have to attend.
Sucks when good bands have dumb names.
“What are you listening to?”
“It’s Made Out of Babies, they’re really great.”
“…”
If you send her a message and she doesn’t reply in six months she is probably thinking about it
*goes to grocery store
*puts “gently used” sticker on all their cucumbers
have you guys heard of the butterfly effect, it’s when a small entity can have a nonlinear impact on an entire system, occasionally with severe consequences, like that time Rebecca Jones called me a “doodoo face” in 4th grade, then Chernobyl happened
It’s NOT day drinking if you didn’t sleep the night before, mother.
He caught me making googly eyes at my phone. I could’ve avoided a fight by showing him it was just puppy gifs but I was bored.
Remember that time that thing happened and you laughed when you weren’t supposed to laugh? People are still mad about that.
[HIGH SCHOOL]
teacher: you’ll use calculus one day
[AGE 40]
me: *standing on textbook to get twinkies from high shelf* whoa how did she know