Like PAC-MAN before me, I too feel pursued by the ghosts of my past, consume mindlessly without end, and enjoy fruit.
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“Ok, identify the noun in this sentence. Timmy is stupid.”
Timmy: stupid?
“Exactly”
May you never lose your sense of wonder.
How long are you supposed to rest in between sets at the gym?
Please say like 5 months?
gonna be sporting and give tim a five minute head start
I was fired from my job at the sperm bank for saying “get a load of this guy” every time someone walked in
Me: I did pretty well. I left with four kids, and I came back with four kids.
Wife: The same four kids?
Me: I’ll be right back.
Sometimes I rock it as a parent, other times I drop my phone on my sleeping child’s face while taking a picture of them. It’s called balance.
Americans: “Beans on toast? Gross.”
Also Americans:
Fun idea! Complimentary deodorant with each transit fare purchase.
nobody will remember:
– your salary
– how “busy you were”
– how many hours you workedpeople will remember:
– the one time you misspelled that word in the chat
– how badly you misspelled that word
– god you are so stupid they will literally never let you live that down
Owen Wilson being held upside down by his ankles: MOM
WIFE: I thought you said you were going to the gym.
ME: [playing Pokémon Go] I’ve been to like 3 of them today. What are you talking about?
Asking my boyfriend if he’d still love me if I was one of those weird aliens that drank coffee and babbled angrily at Men in Black passing by
Phil Collins’ “In The Air Tonight” is the best ever song about a silent but deadly fart.
Twitter is the new flypaper.
I’ve been using special shampoo and I’ve noticed my hair is stronger, it benched 240lbs the other day
Not sure of the *exact* quality that denotes ‘blood-curdling’ in the context of a scream, but the sound that erupted from me earlier when the frog my cat ‘killed’ suddenly leaped mid-scoop, prrrrrrobably counts.
In other news, nothing beats fresh underwear!
I just tried to make coffee with my air fryer, so TGIF
You and your happiness can go straight to Walmart. Or whereever your “hell” is.
Been dating this guy for 4 months and today he asked me why I don’t have a boyfriend. ☹️☹️
If Amazon had a dating app:
You recently got married! Here are some similar people you may be interested in
i have a friend who hates certain hair styles and he told me he stopped watching john wick halfway through. he couldnt get past the middle part.
me: [unlocking door] id better warn you, im a bit of a hoarder
her: lol like what
me: well, most of its grandmas
her: [struggling to wade through hundreds of old women] i see
when you wake up in the morning after you went there last night planning to break up
Rice: for when you’re not really
hungry but still wanna eat a 1000
of something.
-So YOU’RE the mother of this girl called..(checks notes) ..Riding Hood?
-Yes! Something happened to my beloved ch..
– Are you kidding me? You’re under arrest
are you comfortable? perfect, your kid needs something
Nothing freaks me out like trying to remember which brownies I packed in my son’s lunch box
Deeply concerning if literal: Last Christmas I gave you my heart.
*Goes to zoo to see the world’s oldest tortoise.
Guide: He’s over 200 years old. How cool is that?
*Tortoise says something racist.