Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

adulthood is arrogantly deleting and then sadly downloading tinder & uber eats over and over and over

Time to indulge in my favorite Thanksgiving tradition: Betting half of my life savings on the pug to win the National Dog Show on FanDuel and then storming off before dinner when I lose

I was 14 before I realized that banana peels and anvils weren’t America’s leading causes of death.

A good way to tell if an artistic idea is any good is to remember the most successful video game idea of all time is “a plumber steps on turtles” so who knows

Them: who ya gonna call

Me: ghostbusters

Them: sweet, what’s the number

Me: they didn’t say

“if you could dinner with any scientist, alive or dead, which one would it be?”

“schrodinger”

Her: *uses quarantine as an opportunity to learn Japanese and crochet*

Me: *uses quarantine as an opportunity to perfect my cereal to milk ratio*

Sorry I haven’t tweeted in a couple of days. My kid followed me from room to room making really obnoxious whale noises and I feel like I’ve gotten a taste of my own medicine

I don’t want to do exercise, but I want to have done exercise.

CHILD: I thought you liked Froot Loops.

TOUCAN SAM: *eating an egg salad sandwich he brought from home* Look, kid, it’s just a job.

9: What did that message on the TV say

Me: It said, the film has been modified to fit our screen

9: How do they know what size TV we have?

Shah Jahan built the Taj Mahal as a tribute to his wife but sure, the book shelf looks great.

Them: Are you the woman who overuses contractions?

Me: I’m.

Interviewer: what would you say is your greatest weakness?

Me: probably that I’m easily intimidated by others

I: and your greatest strength?

Me: lulling others into a false sense of superiority

*puts on sports bra*
Well, that’s enough exercise for today…

it’s only wednesday, and i’m being so brave about it

My boss is coming to my grandad’s funeral tomorrow.

He said, after his 3 previous funerals he personally wants to see him go in the ground

When you open your heart to someone, there is blood. Lots and lots of blood. And then you die. So don’t open your heart.

why are poetry books so expensiveee. each page will be like:

i am home.
if you knock

and the book is $49.99

I never claimed to have all the answers. I said two. I have two answers. There’s a guy in Nebraska who has six. Go bother him.

My sneeze is the reason people in the middle ages believed sneezing was caused by demon possession

Wait…so I get a million dollars AND I get to punch a baby in the face?

-me when someone asks if I would punch a baby for a million bucks

How is there not an STD Clinic called, “Clap on Clap off”?

One day ISIS is going to screw up and accidentally hit ‘add your location’ to a tweet.

Those guys who came by the office to ask for protection money kept breaking things. Like I’m going to pay people that clumsy to protect me!

I think the implication that you might want to share your Kit Kat with 3 friends seems unreasonable.

SOME DUDE IN A LAB IS WORKING ON BRINGING THE PTERODACTYL BACK TO LIFE SO ENJOY THOSE EVENING STROLLS WHILE YOU CAN!

You never realize how many people you just don’t like until you try to name a baby

Superman: Bruce.
Batman: …
Superman: Bruce.
Batman: *sits up in bed* Clark, you have x-ray vision. You know there’s no monster in the closet