Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

“Can you uncut my spaghetti?” -3yo, leveling up her absurd demands game

Allegedly naked and not afraid to dance in front of a large crowd.

Unrelated: Ambien is not candy.

Who called it your monthly period and not egg drop soup?

One horribly inappropriate comment and you’ll never be shown another baby photo at work ever again. Totally worth it.

Stop sending me this shit.

Gotta say, as a Canadian, watching this season of America has been absolutely riveting. Kudos to the writers.

I told my husband last night that I have a lot of hobbies but I’m not very good at any of them, “like cooking for example” and this man, whom I have fed every single day for 10 years, had the audacity to respond “but there are other hobbies you are good at.”

The first few months of a baby’s life are crucial and so it’s important that they see mom or dad playing Mario Kart.

get you someone as goofy as you.. is.

Optimus Prime: *in an auto parts store* where are your dressing rooms

I work at Home Depot.

White guy: There is a man selling tamales out of the trunk of his car in the parking lot and disturbing costumers

Me: Thank you for that information

Me to tamale guy: Are you the guy selling tamales?

Tamale guy: yes

Me: I’ll take three

HER: men are so creepy

ME(from inside the walls): define creepy

I love Chinese food as much as the next guy, but you’ll never convince me a chicken fried this rice.

The only relationship you should expect to last on Twitter is the one between your TL and those who have you blocked.

Today a kindergartener asked me if he could ask me a question and I said “sure” and then he did a somersault.

[meeting at amc network]

“Okay so how can we make everyone in Walking Dead look like they smell even worse this season?”

It’s beginning to look a lot like Christmas (I have dandruff)

Sorry I scratched your car with my rough winter elbow.

Can people I follow stop disagreeing with each other? I depend on you lot to tell me what to think.

There is a lady who just asked me if Arsenal is a series! I asked her why?She told me that all Arsenal fans usually wait for the next season

“I need a timing belt & power steering for my life” I say to my new bros, using the only 2 car-terms I know in a single testosterone bullet.

Are we still sending rich dudes to space cause I just got a 2 dollar bill in the mail from GramGram and this shining star is ready to rocket

I went into a Starbucks with an HP laptop instead of a MacBook and they took behind the store and shot me in the leg.

My house looks amazing from the outside…as for the inside, its nothing that a decent fire wouldn’t fix

Relationship advice:

Find someone who likes (or dislikes) the same amount of air-conditioning as you, and stick with them.

“Maybe she’s born with it, but most likely she botched it at home” should be my slogan when I color my own hair.

Publix cake decorators should get $50/hr

Lately I go to the restroom at the movies, but forget where I’m seated then return & just begin a new life in a new seat with a new family.

so APPARENTLY if u donate a kidney you’re some big hero but if u donate 9 kidneys ppl get very upset

My 5yo, asserting his independence on the last day of school by coming downstairs dressed in fleece pants on a 90 degree day. I’m sweating just looking at him.