Like shark attacks on humans, it’s actually extremely rare. The majority of antique, porcelain headed dolls aren’t interested in murdering people.
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[Getting home from fishing trip]
MOM: Catch anything?
ME: No, but a bear did
MOM: Where’s your father?
My new years resolution is to stop biting my toenails. Nervous habit I picked up during all these meetings at work.
Casual sex robots have rebooty calls
“Baby, I’m in the bedroom waiting for you”
Now I got your attention, let me show you a proper way to make the bed.
I seriously have no problem with Bill Gates putting chips in the vaccine. I do take issue with him not including dip.
I just hope the crabs and the adderall aren’t in the same place
Dads lose their shit when it starts raining and the sprinklers are running
My dog just puked on the floor.
5yo: MOMMY, LOOK!
Me: Eeeww!
5yo: We are just gonna have to move now!I like the way this kid thinks!
Why’d they call it “The Empire Strikes Back” and not “Cool Hand, Luke”?
Sure, it was awkward when my phone went off in church and started playing “Highway to Hell,” but I wouldn’t say it RUINED your mother’s funeral.
Now who done made this a sport lmao
Vodka giveth and vodka taketh away…
It giveth me a hangover and taketh away my underpants.
Amen.
How can I get invited to one of these knife fights everyone keeps talking about? Can we do it over zoom
My knee just cracked so loudly that I half expect it to glow in the dark tonight.
Stop telling me to drink water. I’m a full grown dehydrated adult.
Nobody:
Absolutely no one:
Me: Oooh, I’m parked between two other Subarus! I’m the middle of a Subaru sandwich!! 🥰🥰🥰
5 asked me to come to her hairdressing salon, put some accessories in my hair then looked at me and said “well your hair looks good now but I don’t know what we can do with your face”. Worst hairdresser I’ve been to, do not recommend
Remember when I told you that joke about the chiropractor?
It was about a week back…
(Slaps knee!)
She was attractive, like poultry on a commemorative stamp.
Slot twist: That USB drive goes in the other way. Turn it over
CDC: To prevent coronavirus stay home, avoid physical contact and don’t go into large crowds.
Introverts: I’ve been preparing for this moment my entire life.
The Apple Watch may become so addictive it keeps people from looking at what’s truly important in life, like their iPhones.
“OMG, it’s so big!”
(Your ego)
Everyone out here workin’ on their cores and I’m just tryna get as close as possible to the drive thru window so I don’t have to stretch.
MAGICIAN: Is this your card?
ME: No
MAGICIAN: Is this your card?
ME: No
MAGICIAN: This one?
ME: No. When is our regular postman back from holiday?
Based on the amount of laundry I did today I have to assume there are people living in this house I haven’t met yet.
Tomorrow’s dress up day for my kids school is “throwback to the 2000’s.” Pardon me while I go grab my walker.
