Like sleeping!
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One advantage of looking creepy is people tend to avoid conversations with you.
I bought a smart light switch but was regularly getting outwitted, so swapped it for a dimmer switch.
If I see someone stumble, catch themselves, & madly start looking about to see if anyone saw, I always make sure I make direct eye contact.
media CEO: we’re doing a series on salary transparency!
same media CEO: wait no stop asking about mine
Pro tip: Never explain to your wife that it’s the washer and dryer that actually does the laundry.
Fans that catch foul balls at baseball games should count as outs. Imagine professional athletes swarming some random dude with mustard on his face to end the 9th inning
Based on all the white smoke billowing out, I think my lawn mower just picked a new pope.
I talk a lot of shit for a guy who spent way too long trying to peel a few slices of ham from what turned out to be an unsliced ham “steak.”
guys i’ve cracked the code
Officer – Do you know how fast you were going?
*Looks up from phone*
No idea
it’s time for sharks to evolve again. it’s been four hundred million years. be poisonous or something
“Everybody loves us weird girls, right up until we start doing weird girl shit,” I say to my cat, as we watch a documentary about serial killers in our matching onesies.
[carrying too many items]
store clerk: would you like a basket
me: no thanks my arms are full
It’s like the police helicopter that’s been circling my neighborhood for an hour doesn’t even care about us unemployed people trying to watch TV.
dude it’s called proctologist
guy: [drinking a coke]
me, hungover from a 3-day drug and alcohol-fueked bender: can’t believe he’s putting that garbage in his body
The orcas took down that F-35 fighter jet.
Don’t rub your happiness in people’s faces this Valentine’s Day. Let the couples enjoy themselves for once.
I don’t want to do exercise, but I want to have done exercise.
Comic 🥺👉👈💗❤️🔥
Don’t go chasing rainbows. Set up a rainbow trap, sit back, wait
“Whatcha doin’ right now?”
“Finishing up some emails.“
“Wrong. You’re drivin’ me to Petco.”
“Why? You have plenty of food.”
“I’ll also need you to wait in the car.”
“Wait, what?”
“And, keep it running.”
“What’s going on here, Max?”
“Nothin’. I just gotta see a guy about a thing.”
[first date]
I’m really nervous about this. It’s been a long time since I’ve [holds fork up and squints] used silverware.
Cop: ma’am i pulled you over because you were tailgating me
Me: okay first of all, if you didn’t want me tailgating you maybe you shouldn’t have a dog in the car
[Orca Winfrey Show]
ORCA: “You get a carp! You get a carp! You get a carp!
AQUATIC AUDIENCE: *just screaming their gills off*
Me: Can you check my balance on this gift card?
Cashier: ok
Me: [ steps on card, lifts other foot without wavering ] Pretty good, right?
Until you show me in the corporate dress code where it says masks & capes aren’t allowed, I must refuse to reveal my identity to the others.
My daughter asked why I drink so much beer
I told her it’s because I actually have a condition that’s pretty unfortunate. You see, my body is actually not capable of producing its own alcohol
Damn boy are you a stormtrooper, because you’re never gonna hit this