Like sure, yes. Encouraging independent play is good for a kid’s development but like…these people sound like they just want to leave their babies in the wilderness for the wolves to raise
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omg the traffic lights are red and green for Christmas 🥺
I just want a woman with the face of Katy Perry and the feet of Fred Flintstone.
Her: I haven’t had sex in so long, I miss it
Me: Well we could…
Her: Not that much.
“One of you will betray me” is such a dramatic thing to say at dinner????
I rinsed a big spider down my kitchen sink and then I put coffee grounds down. Now I’m worried a caffeine-fueled arachnid is going to leap out and come after me.
police: EMPTY YOUR POCKETS, SLOWLY!
me, wearing cargo shorts: *pulls out 2 burger wrappers* THIS MIGHT TAKE A WHILE *pulls out a doll shoe & floss*
I was overcharged by a plumber!
So, I’ve been secretly training a gorilla to roll barrels at people.
Tomorrow, we’re kidnapping his girl.
“Excuse me, do you validate parking?”
I sure do, champ. *kisses your forehead* Your parking is second to none.
I said goodbye to everyone at a party and then mistakenly walked into a closet and was too embarrassed to walk back out so I live here now.
Some people are like sunglasses. Your day just becomes so much brighter when you accidentally drop them off the side of the boat
No one makes more observations than a child sharing a stall with his mother inside a public restroom.
Welcome to your 50s where the weekend means it’s time to try a new vodka and a new chainsaw at the same time.
How can I say no to this ?
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The law of children dictates that for every water bottle brought into your car, 37 more water bottles appear on the floor of your car.
I NEVER WORE EARPLUGS TO CONCERTS WHEN I WAS IN HIGH SCHOOL AND I TURNED OUT FINE!
Year 2055. Twitter dot com is downloaded into your head as a sentient being program. You post tweets via thought. People still manually RT.
‘What’s in the box? What’s in the box? WHATS IN THE BOX!?’ I shout. ‘Ha ha, just kidding my name is Drew and I’m your new gynaecologist’
I was going to eat a healthy snack, then I remembered that time when Eve ate an apple. Figured, it’s better not risk it.
Let’s ask the Ouija board a question. Is my wife’s meatloaf good? *pointer moves to NO* You see, Debra? No I did not move it myself
My calendar says there’s a new moon tomorrow. The old one was there for 4.5 billion years; you’d think people would be more excited.
I asked my wife 3 weeks ago to sit down and watch Evangelion with me for the first time.
She said yes.
Part ways through the first episode she asks:
“I wonder when we meet Evan.”
I asked, who?
She replies: “Evan. The guy the show’s named after. Evan Gelion.”
Those plastic bags in the produce department that are so hard to get open are designed to keep your ego in check. Its intentional.
[World War One]
Private Hitler: “How can I make this more about me?”
Dentist: “Wow your teeth really got yellow since last time. I’m prescribing a new Snapchat filter.”
google logo keeps changing its appearance because it killed a man in Tampa in 1999 and has to stay ahead of the law
-watches two minutes of the news
-locks kids in their rooms forever
What the fire inspector sees when he opens my office closet.
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