Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

And so the devil decided to put the delete key above the send key. The end

Congratulations on angrily speeding past me to get to the red light first. You’re special.

This guy’s not having it 😆

Gambling is all about getting something for nothing and spending thousands of dollars trying to do it.

Note to self: do not get drunk and wear jeans that have 6 buttons.

Today the neighbors are blasting country music from the boom box on the back deck. Tomorrow, they’ll be looking for the boom box that used to be on their back deck.

My favorite part of any relationship is the very beginning, before the other person realizes what a mess you are and what a huge mistake they are making

It’s not “Quiet Quitting” if you won’t shut up about it.

A haunted house would be pretty scary if it was filled with light switches that accidentally turned on the garbage disposal.

LOOK WHAT HAPPENED TO MY DASHBOARD DUCK PFPFODKDDBDB

Your mask is a bit different, but you are one of us now

Turned off my lights for “earth hour”. I’ve never had so many other cars honking at me.

Apparently they don’t want you sipping your beverage from a brown paper bag at work.

before therapy: i hate people

after therapy: i feel good about hating people!

Mom: I heard Facebook is now called Metal.
Me: It’s Meta but, no, they-
Mom: My phone app still says Facebook.
Me: They didn’t-
Mom: Do I need a Metalbook app now.
Me: No, it’s META and you don-
Mom: I can’t find Metalbook on the app store.
Me [shaking fist at sky]: ZUCKERBERGGGG

I like to pride myself on knowing whether it’s Ice Ice Baby or Under Pressure by the first bum bum bum badda dum bum.

The first few months of a baby’s life are crucial and so it’s important that they see mom or dad playing Mario Kart.

Wow, it’s a beautiful day outside. I should probably do something. *closes the blinds so there isn’t a glare on my screen*

~ Developers

Oh, you don’t have sex on the first date? How about on the last date?

You didn’t make the team.

*me as your life coach

The most important part of living undetected in someone’s attic is to have fun and be yourself

I can’t remember exactly when I started baring my bottom in public, but it was many moons ago.

If I’ve learned anything from movies, it’s that if you’re packing for an important mission, you should definitely pull your knife out of its sheath and then put it back in to make sure it’s still there.

This buffalo chicken salad would be great if it weren’t for all this salad

Cornhub…

For them dirty farmers.

rent? again? no no you must be mistaken, i only just recently paid rent last month

My life is like Monopoly: sometimes I’m the racecar, sometimes I’m the iron.
But usually I’m a peanut because I’ve lost all the game pieces.

Gently puts my “faith in humanity” in a bag of rice.