Like sure, yes. Encouraging independent play is good for a kid’s development but like…these people sound like they just want to leave their babies in the wilderness for the wolves to raise
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“Where do you get your ideas?” he said.
“Same place you do,” she said.
“No, seriously-”
“And I go early so I can take all the best ones.”
How does my kids bathroom always look like a crime scene where someone was murdered with toothpaste
shepherd: SWEET CAROLINE
sheepdog: god i hate this guy
sheep: BAH BAH BAH
sheepdog: ok i hate all of you
I’ve started replacing “yes” with “sure as Kilimanjaro rises like Olympus above the Serengeti.”
Never eat the free guacamole at a sushi restaurant. It’s always waaay too spicy and doesn’t taste anything like avocados.
if you stab somebody “over a chicken sandwich” you were destined to stab somebody over something, someday. on this day, the wheel of fortune just happened to land on delicious chicken. don’t blame the chicken, baby.
Stop using “leggy” to describe tall women when it was clearly made to describe spiders.
Words I say when I sing along to Informer by Snow:
Informer
me: [looking at basketball rim] do you think I can still dunk?
wife: give me back the baby
Chaining myself to the bed tonight, not because I’m a werewolf, but because there are bags of unattended Halloween candy all over the house.
I’m not like other girls, I know when I’m being irrational. I don’t let it stop me, but still
There are approximately zero ways to chase paper in the wind without looking like the village idiot
Imagine your card declining at a bar and they squeeze all the alcohol out of you like a lemon
PayPal: For when your wallet is all the way on the other side of the room.
[inventing the knife] What if a stick was mad
Day 30 on the desert island. Out of food. There’s no other option, I’m going to have to talk to the other survivors
I am convinced Americans are required by law to watch football. Ain’t no way this many people watch it all day long by choice
Sweatpants ✅
Headband ✅
Wristbands ✅
Jockstrap ✅“Welcome to Olive Garden’s all you can eat pasta night.”
GF (from 2nd floor window): either the trampoline goes or I go!
ME: It
…was
…nice
…knowing
…you
Nannying is like a stay at home mom internship
life is like a box of chocolates: it kills dogs
Gen Z, Boomers, Millennials and Gen X
BOSS: You all get 1 floating holiday
COWORKER: I’m taking Earth Day off
ME: [knowing a day on Venus is 243 Earth days] I’ll take Venus Day
Judge: You have power of attorney?
Me:*curling two briefcases* Pfft. What do you think, bruh?
My wife told me she was leaving me because I keep pretending to be a Transformer.
I said, “No, wait! I can change.”
What idiot called it blood spatter instead of axe body spray
The first thing I’m going to do when my kids move into homes of their own is machine gun fire toothpaste spit all over the faucet and mirror in the bathroom.
I’m giving you my two weeks’ notice.
Husband: …
The longer you’re a parent the harder it is to act excited when people tell you they’re pregnant.
Pretty proud of myself. I made copies of all the blank white printer paper at work. Doubled our supply for free. Can’t wait to tell my boss.