like swimming in quick dry cement
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I came back from the grocery store with a bag of fresh vegetables and when my wife asked what I’d bought I said it was a bag full of good intentions
God saw you put ketchup on your steak and He is NOT happy.
Having hot lemon water every morning is definitely working. I’ve never felt more arrogant.
There is a lady who just asked me if Arsenal is a series! I asked her why?She told me that all Arsenal fans usually wait for the next season
[the beeping to remind me to put on my seatbelt finally gives up]
*looks at driving test instructor*
“finally”
Magician: For my next trick—
Me: BRING BACK THE BUNNY, YOU MONSTER
[Spills wine]
“My medicine!!”
Calling in sick cuz I got the zoomies and gave myself a concussion
this is stick
*dog wags tail*
this is branch. its made of sticks
*tail wags faster*
this is tree. it makes sticks
*dog helicopters into sky*
“Do you want to hold my baby?”
Yeah nice try. You got yourself into this mess you hold your own damn baby.
I told my daughter we might be getting a blizzard and she asked for one with Reese’s pieces
If you ever come across a bear in the wild, throw a tiny bicycle at him.
Then, just let his circus instincts take care of the rest.
You can’t hurt me. You’re not a restaurant who ran out of garlic bread
I always go the extra mile,
which is why my friends don’t let me drive
“Oh, I do like Chinese food!”
-My 6yo, eating chicken fingers & fries from The Imperial Bamboo kid’s menu
Sam can’t find a tennis ball, and wants me to throw this small rock. Ladies & gentleman, this is the face of addiction.
I’m a cat person. I sleep all day and spend the rest of the time trying to convince my wife I haven’t eaten yet.
My kitchen overserved me.
Her: My God…yours is huge!
Me: It’s the biggest gift card Sizzler sells, baby.
*slow wink*
It was the best of times, it was the trying to get to the recipe at the bottom of a food blog of times
me: dogs have 4 legs
her:
me: so do tables
her: ok
me: so dogs are tables
her: no
me: *sets my cup on a dog* let me explain it for u again Jen
joining a chess tournament and timidly saying “are you mad at me?” whenever they take a piece
When you’re Godzilla every city is a walkable city
To think, just 30 years ago, I would have to yank the phone off the wall, and bring it to the bathroom to drop it in the toilet.
*puts baby powder in a crib*
*adds water*
Wife: Did you hear the water park went out of business?
Me: Oh no!
Wife: What?
Me: Bankruptsea!
A model citizen is just like a regular citizen that doesn’t eat.
My dog understands four words: his name, food, outside and Antidisestablishmentarianism.
my kid climbed into the tub fully naked and still I found leaves in there after
The school had a plant sale and at pickup I heard the mom of a little girl with 2 small plants say “That’s all you got?? I gave you $60!”
We are all that mom.