like swimming in quick dry cement
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I hope the rapture makes the line at the dinner buffet shorter.
I’m glad Pitbull always announces his name right away so I know when to turn the radio off.
The moon is waxing but my interest is waning because I like a moon with full bush ok
mom: I’m not your friend I’m your mother!
[20 years later]
mom: why won’t you accept my friend request on FB? I’m your mother
5: “Mommy why not?”
Me: “Because you’re driving me crazy.”
5: “How?”
5: “How?”
5: “How?”
5: “How?”
5: “How?”
5: “How?”
5: “How?”
5: “How?”
Yep. Didn’t think about how much lemon jello shots would look like urine samples.
“It’s just me, my board, and my iron, catching some sweet sweet wrinkles.”
oh, you’re in a situationship?
are you the one with commitment issues or the one with low self worth?
Have kids so that you can remind them constantly about something only to have them look at you each time as if this is the first they’ve heard of it.
wife: we can barely pay bills this month, we need to make sacrifices
me: ok, let’s start tomorrow
[next day]
me: [holding severed goat head] honey i’m home
wife: OMG [holds up a 2nd goat head] JINX!
How do you tell someone you’re the one I want without sounding too much like John Travoltra in Grease.
I’ve been to Iraq twice and Afghanistan once. Still not as scary as my ex’s number popping up on my phone this morning.
That photo you’ve seen of me pushing children down to get in line 1st at the Pizza Hut buffet is most likely AI generated.
Wins the Internet today. Night, all…
[doing crunches]
Me: get it? ab solution?
Priest: so excommunicated
respect that the little drummer boy showed up empty handed and said here’s some noise
If they made “I Know What You Did Last Summer” now it would be like, duh, of course you do, I posted it all on Instagram.
Fire at the cannabis dispensary. Witnesses described it as super chill.
I have seen lots of recipes for things to make from leftover chocolate from Easter this week. Which leads me to the question: what is leftover chocolate?
Drying the waistband of my jeans with a hairdryer as God intended.
You: Say something good about 2020
Me: Haven’t been invited to a single wedding this year.
Imagine falling for someone then finding out they drink their coffee one spoonful at a time like soup.
Her: You’re a dumpster fire
Me: So you think I’m hot??
She looks at me with those come hither eyes & I’m over here frantically flipping thru a dictionary trying to figure out what “hither” means.
watching new movies on hbo max makes so much sense. people are already used to being disappointed in bed
Whenever I read that a suspect is cooperating with investigators I picture them being helpful in the interrogation room. Tidying up. Providing light conversation.
*looks up “how to disarm a bomb in 10 seconds” on YouTube*
*ad starts playing*
*looks up “how to disarm a bomb in 5 seconds”*
I was never a photogenic person, because when everyone said cheese I said “WHERE ?”
Stop fussing over whether the glass is half full or half empty and just marvel at the fact that I managed to produce that much discharge.
[dinner theater]
Me: babe relax it’s just a play it’s supposed to be fun
Waiter: *winks* table or booth
Abe Lincoln, reincarnated: OK WHAT THE HELL