like swimming in quick dry cement
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Him: Parent-teacher night is next week.
Me: Will there be snacks?
Him: Does it really matter?
Me:
Him: *sighs* Yes.
Me: Okay. I’m in.
Kids are fun if you enjoy saying things like, “read the room,” only to have someone start reading literally everything there is to read in said room, out loud.
I would have got the Google Glass but I don’t have $1500 or any desire to strap the internet to my face.
The first sin in the Bible was eating an apple. The second was murder. That escalated quickly.
I tell people that the secret ingredient
in my cookies is “love” but it’s actually “floor” .
[Penn and Teller getting a loan for their comedy act]
“Ok all you guys need is a name”
*they look around bank for ideas*
My wife is pretty excited about going away this weekend so I’m not sure she knows I’m coming with her.
Kid: *spills cereal all over the floor*
My husband: Can you grab the vacuum cleaner?
Me: Sure *whistles for the dog*
Me: Dare me to find out how many Reese’s peanut butter cups can fit in my mouth?!
Date: What’s happening right n-
Me: CHALLENGE ACCEPTED!
My kid’s superpower is finding the one show that isn’t streaming on Hulu, Netflix, or Prime
Sure, I’m on the keto diet.
The keto my happiness is carbs.
BLIND DATE: My last boyfriend thought he was such hot stuff. But he was really just a big fish in a small pond.
ME, a giant worm in a hat and trench-coat: Ha, what a loser! But seriously like how big specifically though?
Me munching on an apple: Why is it every time I go to the theater I get stuck behind the lady with the fruit hat?
You’re so vain, you probably think me driving by your house 27 times at 2 a.m. wearing all black with binoculars is about you, don’t you.
The first 3 days of a diet is always harder than the 4th day because by the end of 3rd day, you’re dead.
I need a treadmill with a reward system.
Run 10k, here’s a pizza.
HEY GRAPEFRUIT, know what else is a grape AND a fruit? GRAPES. yeah. so get your own name you citrus idiot
Sharon Hodges had her new bike stolen and the police wouldn’t help. A week later she saw it for sale in her local used items newspaper. She contacted the seller and they met at the mall. She asked to test ride it and never returned. She stole her bike back.
I’m gonna be honest. Even after the vaccine I’m only gonna wanna hang out with 3 of you.
Review of Black Holes: Zero Stars
wife: u should’ve paid more attention in school
me: what why
wife: u brought home the wrong kids
If I’m ever arrested, I would use my one phone call for pizza.
A roof is a house hat.
If simply wrinkling my nose at your smell is politer than spraying you head to foot with Febreze then so be it.
Not happy but so be it.
[Driving]
Wife: You missed a right.
Me: Thanks babe – you MRS right.
me: push!
wife: [in labor] I AM
me: push harder!!
wife: I CAN’T
me: oh my bad [opens door to delivery room] it says pull
Me: I did a line!
Grandma: you’re supposed to say Bingo
Me: *wiping coke off my nose* what
got up early enough to go on a 10 mile run, lift weights, and stretch before having a healthy breakfast, i mean i didn’t do any of that but i definitely got up early enough to
Friend: your fly is open
Me: yeah i know
Fly: it’s true i’ll try just about anything
In India, Twitter crush is choosen by your parents.