Like that whole spinach in the teeth thing, I never know if it’s polite to tell a lizard person when they have a little tear in their human suit.
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Giving someone a tour of a company I don’t work at and describing every single employee as “our lion tamer”
*Being seated at a restaurant*
Hostess: Would you like a table or a booth?
Husband: Table
Me: I guess I’ll take the booth then
Just realized half way through my date that I still had lipstick on my forehead from my mom kissing me goodbye.
[arguing with friend about chemistry]
*cop walks up* do we have a problem here?
Me: No. We will find a solution once you argon, officer.
I’m like a fine wine…leave me out too long and I get rancid and you have to throw me out
HR: Do you know why we called you in here today?
Me: I’m not taking off my Batman suit, sir.
I met my amazing husband in my 30s on OkCupid and you can too! I don’t think he ever deleted his profile
The premise of The Exorcist is truly terrifying. Imagine having a 12-year-old daughter.
WHY would you be happy about this?
“Describe yourself in 4 words.”
Bad at counting.
[marriage counseling]
We just don’t see eye to eye
“Because you insist on wearing that stupid pirate hat”
YOU WILL ADDRESS ME AS CAPTAIN
Me, washing my hands in front of a mirror:
ME: i wish girls would flock to me
GENIE: ok
ME [a pumpkin spice latte]: SON OF A
All I’m saying is that I’ve chaperoned a 25 student class field trip and you’re definitely in trouble if you lose even one of them.
It’s always fun when a man catches feels, gets scared, and projects his fear of commitment onto you:
Him: I’m not into love or dating. I like to be free. This was a one time thing, understand?
Me: Cool, can I have my pizza now, or would that be crossing a line
Those who ignore the past are doomed to flunk their history test.
🎶I Heard Mommy Screaming at Santa Claus🎶
– assembling my bike… I was about 6
Quarantine log, Day 8:
Cat: I need you to run to the store for me.
Me: What for? You have plenty of food.
Cat: I got into the treats last night. I’m almost out.
Me:
Me: You can talk!
I could never be a map maker. Not because I think it’s hard, I just don’t know how tf to spell meditarainian.
I said hi to someone and a bug flew into my mouth. Lesson learned.
Ladies, why y’all do this?
ASTRONAUT 1:So sorry
ASTRONAUT 2: My condolences
ASTRONAUT 3: Forgive us~~The crew of the Apollo-G
School crossing signs are bullshit, i’ve literally never seen a kid walking 20 mph
“Done the ad yet?”
“Yes, it’s already up.”
“Great. And you remembered the names of all the dinosaurs?”
“More or less”
Me: can you help with the dishes?
5 [licks dirty silverware] yeah.
A polite way to call someone’s baby ugly is to say “Oh. He looks just like you.”
In New England, we only have two seasons:
1) Ice cream will melt if you leave it in the car
2) Ice cream is fine if you leave it in the car
It still bothers me that airplanes aren’t called skyscrapers
RIP boiling water. You will be mist.