Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

[my attorney after our first day in court] leave the Chewbacca mask at home tomorrow

The way this guy who wants today’s newspaper is low-key gonna find the guy in the branch who currently has today’s newspaper even if he has to search every gas station, residence, warehouse, farmhouse, henhouse, outhouse and doghouse to do it

Just looked in my 8 yr old son’s bedroom and I’m pretty sure it can’t be ruled out that the Malaysian jet may be in there somewhere.

The woman beside me is reading a cocktail recipe book like a novel and I’m pretty sure I found my soul mate.

I just let a raccoon loose in my kitchen just so I’d have something to do tomorrow.

Me: It’s time to take a bath.

6: Ugh, I took one a few days ago!

Me: Yeah, you gotta keep taking those.

6: For my whole life?

Me: Yes

6: What!? Uggggghhhhh

The only way an adult coloring book could help calm my stress is if it was somehow edible.

My youngest son hid a Ziploc bag of Froot Loops in his pajama drawer so that he wouldn’t miss out on the “good cereal” if he woke up late tomorrow, in case you wondered what growing up in a big family is like.

Bae: Come over.
Romeo: Can’t. You’re a Capulet, I’m a Montague.
Bae: Deny thy father and refuse thy name; come over.
Romeo: Also, you’re 13.

[at Starbucks]

ME: One large starbuck please.

BARISTA: Sir, that’s not even a-

ME: Sorry, one venti starbuck please.

me: is this vegan friendly?

waiter: idk dude, he’s your friend

Today I came across a snake that seemed parched and tired, so I gently trickled some water from my water bottle on its snout for a few minutes and it quietly sipped. One of those nature moments that was nice but in retrospect makes me look like some sort of evil forest spirit

Interviewer : So you’re super fast at math?
Me : Yup
I : Ok, what’s 346×48?
Me : 804
I : That’s not correct
Me : Fast though.

Whenever a guy boasts he has a party in his pants, I always ask him to prove it.

If he’s not packin nachos, beer and M&Ms, I’m going home.

[At the job interview]

“We’re looking for a super friendly bright & bubbly person.”

“Would that be for the whole time?”

There weren’t any open tables at this sports bar so I yelled “Chad, you left your Jeep lights on!” and now I can sit wherever I want.

I wonder if delilah is still ghosting that guy

ME: I guess in a way I saved YOU.

PARAMEDICS: …

I’m holding out for the fitness watch that tracks my heart rate and shocks me every time I pick up a bag of chips

Happy Star Wars day!

What’s fun about having kids is being on a Zoom work meeting from home, and your child crawls under your desk, touches your leg, and announces that you need to shave for all to hear

INTERVIEWER: We want someone who isn’t just a yes-man, you know what I mean?

ME [clever] no

My 4yr old has started prefaceing questions with, “but don’t say no” and he’s got a lot to learn about disappointment

“I ran a half marathon” sounds so much better than “I quit halfway through a marathon”.

With all the ways to contact me on social media these days the police still smash through my door unannounced again?

15: I found a great song. Do you want to hear it?
M: Absolutely.
15: It’s called “Everybody Wants to Rule the World” by Tears for Fears.
M: *sings the entire song at the top of my lungs & dances around the living room*
15: Okay. I don’t like the song anymore.

Confidence is important.

Because wishy-washy just will not get you a prescription for the good drugs.

[Psychiatrist’s Office]

ME: So do I just lie on the couch over here?

PSYCHIATRIST: Actually this works much better if you tell the truth.

“She is not fine.”

~Sun Tzu

Someone asked me if I’d found my soulmate and I was like lol I cant even find my debit card.