Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I don’t want to fold that laundry. Maybe I’ll just put this wet load in there with the dry load and no one will notice.

-me, about to break the dryer

Camp counselors who choose to have our kids make slime and bring it home in their backpacks. Why do you hate us?

Waiter: And what would the lady like?
Me:
Waiter:
Me:
Waiter:
Me:
Date: Gigi, he means you.
Me: *blushing* Oh, wow. He called me a lady.

Our tv was on with the volume a smidge louder than societal norms, my husband was watching a YouTube video on his phone at medium volume, I was watching a tiktok on my phone full blast and my daughter walks in and yells, “FOR THE LOVE OF GOD BUY HEADPHONES.”

No one heard her.

Will you marry me – Proposal
Will, You, Mary, Me -foursome request
Will, you marry me – Timetravler spoiling the future
Will you, Mary me – Cavewoman Introducing herself

Punctuation, it’s THAT important!

*performs sax solo*
Whoops, typo.
*performs sex, solo*

As soon as they heard the flush, my phone interview took a drastic turn.

If you see a baby locked in a car break the window and put another baby in there, he’s probably lonely.

Called in, “Didn’t realize this eyeliner was permanent” this morning.

Barber: “so you’re thinking like an inch off the top?”

Me: “I have absolutely no idea how to answer that question.”

[Science Meeting, 1924]

Why don’t we tell the people that every snowflake is unique? It’s not like they’ll ever really check

“Let’s do it”

“Daddy, there’s a mime under the bed!”
That’s ridiculous, why would you think that?
“Listen!”
*complete silence*
OH DEAR GOD RUN

I woke up deciding to incorporate the parkour lifestyle into my daily life then reconsidered as I fell over again putting my jeans on

Me: my dog Ruffles can talk – what’s the outside of a tree?

Ruffles: bark!

Me: a word to describe shouting an order?

Ruffles: bark!

Friend: he’s just woofing

Ruffles: I said bark not woof, you idiot

I took my kids to the playground and now they want me to push them on the swings. Jesus Christ, haven’t I done enough?

I accidentally used my son’s body wash, now I hate jackets and just called my mom bruh

You may be little now, but don’t be discouraged. Someday, you’ll be a man just like me.

*baby starts crying*

Ladies call me “the turkey sandwich” because I seem bland and boring at first, but then I continue to be boring.

A child’s purpose is to help their parents relearn the states and capitals.

I quit my job this week to pursue my dreams.

I can never remember my dreams so this is going to be interesting.

I pretend I have a “tax guy” because I’m a very busy businessman and not because I’m an idiot who won’t follow instructions

My car, spinning uncontrollably thru a crowd of ppl, & my Korean friend screams”HIT THE BLAKES” & I’m like”I CANT BE THAT SELECTIVE”

Have you ever had a conversation with someone and realize half way through that you’re going to need crayons to explain it to them?

Lol #dogsoftwitter

[writes THIS IS A ROBBERY on a deposit slip, slides it to teller]
[teller writes something, slides it back]
NO THIS IS A DEPOSIT SLIP

being a ghost is exhausting; aimlessly wandering the earth for all eternity, having to participate in pottery class, only Whoopi Goldberg can see you

agent, on phone: my clients have decided to accept your third offer

me: it’s off the table

agent: {muffled} ..what about the second

me: also off the table

agent: {muffled} ..ok fine, they’ll take first then

me: hold on, let me get my cat out of here

Cinderella is my favorite story of a guy who couldn’t remember what the love of his life looked like.

I just want to be as strong as the bond between two five gallon buckets

Listening to my mom tell a story is akin to a verbal version of Russian nesting dolls.