Like The Shawshank Redemption except it’s just me at work chiseling a tunnel behind the “hang in there” cat poster for a more direct route to the vending machine.
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Thanked a rival dad at the neighborhood chili cook off for making his mild so my kids could have some.
My pet bird bit me so I showed him a picture of a rotisserie chicken
There is a school auction tonight, but I don’t know if I’m ready to buy a whole school
HR: I’m afraid that’s not proper corporate dress code.
ME: *taking off wetsuit* casual Friday is bullshit then.
Accidentally saying Yes I would like a receipt and having to wait half an hour while the kiln is heated and the tablet is fired
Remote start, keyless entry, feature allows me the privilege of losing my keys- while I’m driving.
I pulled a muscle trying to avoid my neighbor in the grocery store.
On my usual morning jaunt this morning, casually advancing the society in which I live, I was briefly detained by an officer of the law. And indeed, as any law abiding citizen would do, I quickly put my clothes back on
Do you really think cats would have anything to do with us if they could open cans of cat food by themselves?
A bad massage experience would be awaiting your masseuse, lying naked under the sheet, when you realize “Hey, this isn’t a spa, it’s a morgue!”
No, Clickbait writer, here are 20 household items YOU’VE been using wrong
everybody’s a toughguy until they have to use a screwdriver overhead for two minutes
Danny Devito’s full name is Daniel DeTotototototo.
Sometimes my stomach will make a noise and my brain will be like ok I never signed off on that
Just ran a .3K (Ice cream truck wouldn’t stop)
history: itself. itself. itself. itself. itself. itself. itself. itself. itself.
I spend too much of my time asking our dog, “have you seen the kids?!”
In a parallel universe, Two bars walk into a man.
If you have a horse and you didn’t name it Edgar Allan Pony, we can’t be friends.
Him: When I suggested we try a little role play, this is not what I had in mind
Me: [in Jabba the Hutt costume] JUST PUT ON THE GOLD BIKINI
Doughnut boxes advertise “ZERO TRANS FAT” as if anyone buying a box of doughnuts cares about the nutritional content.
My son went into a bank 5 mins ago and I’m waiting in the car. Now I’m hearing sirens in the distance and I’m hoping I’m not a getaway car.
Sometimes I feel bad for yelling at my kids, but then I remember that some animals eat their kids and I don’t feel so bad anymore.
Me: we’re throwing a surprise party for Tim
Wife: don’t you hate Tim?
Me: [filling balloons with bees] yes
I hope no one murders you..but if they do, I hope it’s quick and interesting enough to get you on Dateline.
A homeless man randomly asked me if I was from Minnesota yesterday, so I replied, “no, but once I stabbed a guy who grew up in Minneapolis”
Torturer: you shock him this time
Me: more people have been on the moon than won Takeshi’s Castle
Torturer: no not— wait really
I won the local hot dog eating contest and didn’t even know I was competing.
Dear women who just gave birth,
Stop naming your child ‘Khalessi’.
Sincerely,
The rest of the human race