Like this tweet for a free small sundae at your local participating McDonald’s.
McDonald’s is participating by making sure that the ice cream machine is in pieces when you get there.
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A good prank is to rent a Mercedes, stick a huge bow on it, and park it in front of your neighbor’s house
Wife: I had a terrible night’s sleep. Tossed and turned. Couldn’t get comfortable. It’s only 6 AM and I’m in such a horrible mood already. How did you sleep?
Me [who slept 8 straight hours and didn’t get up once to pee]: Same.
took a DNA test and found out all my ancestors were also tired
When libraries troll their patrons.
Im sick of the microsoft authenticator like who would be logging in to do my work? Tf 😭😭😭😭
If only the door of my car had a warning light for when it was getting low on takeout napkins.
“It puts the lotion on its skin…”
— me buttering a baked potato
True love is knowing which parts of Bohemian Rhapsody are yours and which are theirs as you belt it out in the car.
Got kicked out of the army for calling my bulletproof jacket a hardigan.
Do you want contact-free delivery?
□ Yes
▣ No
Me: We appreciate things to the extent that we’re deprived of them. To put it another-
Wife: You ate my chocolate cake, didn’t you?
Me: Yes.
All we do is support you, all you ever do is complain about us!
-if bras could talk
When two girls hate each other, they say “we should DEFINITELY hang out” and then take turns shouting “definitely!” until one of them dies.
I wasn’t trying to put you on a pedestal. I was trying to bend you over it.
Overheard by myself while in the bathroom just now:
•”That’s cheating; you can’t jump off that!”
•”You’re using toothpick as a weapon?!”
•”Shh… if we only eat two each, she won’t know.”
•”I bet Mom’s reading a book in there.”
6-year-old: Why do I have to share a room?
Me: It could be worse. Harry Potter slept in a cupboard under the stairs.
6: Yeah. By himself.
ONLINE BOYFRIEND: “Why do you have so many socks?”
ME: [hiding my octopus tentacles while on webcam] “Haha, no reason. They are just fun to have.”
Have kids so you can start your day with questions like, “mom, why do people clean toilets?”
Me: why aren’t you eating your peas?
5: sometimes kids just don’t want peas, you wouldn’t understand
Why do football players only dance when good shit happens? Just once I wanna see a QB throw an interception & do a sad, interpretive dance.
Me: [Nudges friend] You should see what I just wrote on the bathroom wall.
Friend: Uh… You do know we’re at my house right?
Me: You should do that sexy thing you did a few weeks ago more often.
Her: When I was dancing in my panties?
Me: No…Cooking
People who would say “I can’t believe it’s not butter” are the same people who support all those Nigerian princes.
I’m obsessed with you. Not like peak through your window obsesseHEY I LIKE THAT DRESS WEAR THAT ONE
Him: Do you know what you are doing?
Her: Do I look like I know what I’m doing?
Him: No.
Her: Okay then, quit asking stupid questions.
Batman: Damn! Someone needs me!
Date: That’s not the bat signal!
Batman:
Date:You’re just doing shadow puppettry on the wall with your hands
[first date]
Date: how much do you drink a week?
Me: Haha, I don’t even answer that at my check up.
Date: right.. Let’s do shots.
Me: i love shots.
Date, pulling off glasses to reveal my Doctor: gotcha
I was only mildly famous in the ’90s but vaccinate your kids
The instructions for this tent is just a picture of a husband yelling at his wife, that’s weird.
National Ex Spouse Day fell in the middle of Serial Killer Week, coincidence?