Like this tweet for a free small sundae at your local participating McDonald’s.
McDonald’s is participating by making sure that the ice cream machine is in pieces when you get there.
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I saw a man running and started to panic that there was a fire or a bear and then I remembered that some people just do that.
Day 16,607:
Still not stuck on a deserted island, and beginning to lose hope
The 3 Little Pigs Story teaches us that if you use cheap building materials, you deserve to be murdered by a stranger.
wife:Gotta go. You guys gonna be ok?
me [making my Pop-Tart pop out of the toaster and trying to catch it] Come on!
wife:9, you’re in charge
If you’re stuck at the top of a tree and afraid to get down, call me. I have no fear of heights so getting the chainsaw from my attic is not even an issue.
BECAUSE IT’S A PERVERT
Sure, I miss the 80s. You know who really misses the 80s? Serial killers. No cameras, no developed forensics, no social media…
Dinner guests: (shifting uncomfortably in their seats)
it’s ok earthquake, i’m only a 4.8 in new york too
You knock on the melon to test freshness but something knocks back
You call that an apology? I’ll show you an apology!
Canadian Oneupmanship
You ever eat fish and chips at the aquarium and get the feeling you’re being watched?
IF YOU THINK IM GONNA SMILE BECAUSE IT REQUIRES FEWER MUSCLES YOUVE GOT ANOTHER THING COMING. NO OFF DAYS, WELCOME TO FROWN TOWN, BABY
Unpopular opinion
The moon is actually way more useful than the sun. Because the moon gives us light at night when it’s dark. The sun only gives us light during the day when it’s already bright.
The secret to a good marriage is that it’s all about give and take. Giving each other frequent back rubs and ordering lots of takeout
I dream of writing a fat woman’s cookbook. I’ll call it, “50 Shades of Gravy.”
A scrub is a guy who thinks he’s fly.
[I scramble to take off my full-body fly costume]
Canadian cattle can now legally
graze on cannabis plants.The steaks have never been higher.
i was in paris with a boyfriend once and he lit a candle in Notre Dame in order to ask god to raise the price of bitcoin
My kids lost a Barbie shoe.
I dug in the trash and found one.
It was from a set they didn’t know was missing
Now I’m looking for 2 shoes.
Another interesting #factupdates post!
Excited for the return of Game of Thrones.
Not excited for the return of the phrase, “If you’d read the books, you’d know that…”
When businesses reach out to tell me they miss me, I politely remind them I’m married.
Tried to impress her by making martinis but got my hand stuck in the olive jar
You can have a cereal that tastes good. You can have a cereal that makes you poop.
No. You cannot have both.
Sorry, can’t. The pears I bought 4 days ago have ripened and I literally have a 15 minute window in which to eat all six.
My ex : “Explain yourself”
Me : “Yourself” is used reflexively as the direct or indirect object of a verb or as the object of a preposition
I should probably do some housework before they try to film the next Febreeze commercial here.
I saw a sign that said save the earth it’s the only planet that has tacos and I thought that’s so dumb how do they know other planets don’t have tacos?
*Attempts to use ‘I have a boyfriend’ meme*
Meme: I have a boyfriend.