like u make the diseases or are against them ?
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My mom just called to say not to let any of my twitter people know she got a traffic ticket. So anyways my mom has never gotten a traffic ticket, thanks.
When your baby cries, don’t feed it. That’s just what it expects you to do. You have to outsmart it.
i wish someone just lost their shit over me like a rooster does the sunrise.
They say “do something today that makes the world a better place”…….so I’m getting drunk.
Wow. I got my first #ChatGPT-written paper for an undergrad assignment on positionality. This line was the tell: “I do not have a personal history, identity, or culture in the traditional sense because I am an artificial intelligence language model.” Ooof!
Why do people leave mattresses on the side of the road? Do they really think someone will take it? Do you think I should wash it first?
Once a toddler learns “why?” It’s all over
Remember, kids: Never get in cars with strangers unless you’ve used an app to select a specific stranger to drive you around in their car
I need an aggressive dog-barking sound on my phone, for whenever anyone knocks on the bathroom door when I’m in there
My teenager can make and edit a tik tok video and post it successfully, yet the idea of rinsing her cereal bowl after she’s done eating is a complete mystery.
Shout out to weather for giving me SOMETHING to talk about when I encounter neighbors.
Kids don’t like it when you laugh at them after they step on their toys. Taking a video of it doesn’t help either.
But what if options were limited, and portions were small and overpriced?
– Food Trucks
[Chasing a dog on my bike]
Me *breathlessly* how is he reaching the pedals?!
hey friend,
the list of things you texted me that you’d do for a Klondike bar has me concernedlet’s talk
Some guy in a strange costume walked up my front steps but when I went to give him some candy he just gave me some mail
Red cross: would you like to volunteer to give blood?
Me: oh, no thank you, I already involuntarily give blood 5 days out of the month
If there’s a zombie apocalypse and you see one zombie taking a nap, that will be me
I was once killed by a shark escalator.
People are ruining the word Daddy, my kids are going to have to call me ‘homie’ or some shit.
I wonder what the part of my brain that used to remember phone numbers is up to these days.
[Creation]
God: *creates the crab
Crab: “wtf?”
God:”You’re a crab”
Crab:”wtf?”
God:”Now go forth”
Crab: *walks sideways “WTAF?!”
me: “why tf does my back hurt??”
also me:
SICK of gossip rags only being interested in famous people. Can someone please investigate the woman in my building who put a salad in the recycling bin
Owl Sanctuary
Friend: I’m about to appear in court.
Me: Best of luck! Kill it!!
Friend:…not exactly the best phrase to use in a medical negligence case.
date: this is so romantic
me: just the two of us
date: and the stars
me: and the moon
the moon: *winks at my date*
me: *narrowing eyes* son of a-
I caught my 3yo singing “And a partridge in a pantry”
I pronounce LMAO as “Le Mayo”
me *dead*: at least I don’t have to pay student loans
*Gets e-mail* We see your living status has changed. Click to update your loan info.