like u make the diseases or are against them ?
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me: *eating burrito* so how do I die?
psychic: ok I’ll tell you
me: *eating third burrito* don’t you need to use your crystal ball?
psychic: no I’m pretty confident
My kid put the toilet paper facing the wrong way so she’s homeless now.
i tried to ask a girl out today but i messed up my words and accidentally summoned a demon. anyway, whats a good first date for a demon
A model train set is the male equivalent of 25 cats.
Extra car key
Extra house key
Extra storage unit key
Key to an extra apartment with a liquor cabinet– Keys to a successful relationship
I shaved and now I can fit into my smaller jeans.
I tell people “I’m here to raise awareness” because I successfully spliced a werewolf and the lochness monster.
Never leave for tomorrow what you can eat today.
[wife looking at credit card statement] did you buy a “talk like lil jon” audiobook
me: WHAT
I was standing in the train station waiting for a friend when some guy came up to me and gave me a dollar in case you need any fashion advice.
Ladies, you want to get a man to leave you alone? Just whisper those 2 magic words: I’m pregnant
My Dad: So then you just like *smushing together a bird stuffed animal and a bee stuffed animal while making kissy noises*
Me: OK, got it. They’re all waiting, can I go get married now?
*plastic vampire teeth falling out of my mouth* are you theriouthly breaking up wiff me??
I heard a girl telling people that when you cook French toast, you’re supposed toast the bread first and we can’t just be letting people go around spreading this kind of hateful misinformation
Inside you are two Cookie Monster. One want cookie. The other want more cookie.
No Barbara I didn’t intend to “ruin” your day by using the last of the printer ink but I will admit that it was a pleasant byproduct
just overheard a conversation
“You’re a tutor, right?”
“Yeah”
“What subjects do you toot?”
My new hobby is adding unnecessary adjectives like “frozen ice cubes” or “granulated sand” and watching people’s eyes twitch.
future historians will point to this and ask how we didn’t see the third world war coming
My dad taught me the importance of having convictions in life. Ten felonies later, I now know that some words have more than one meaning.
Today I learned that wolves are not ticklish. Tomorrow I need to learn how to tie my shoes with one hand.
Me: But nothing comes out when you move your lips just a bunch of gibberish, you mother fu-
Friend: WHAT ARE YOU SAYING TO MY BABY?!
Netflix: We have Less
A fun thing to do on a first date is wear a wedding dress
Superman: Kinda sucks you can’t fly.
Batman: It’s okay.
Superman: Why?
Batman: My planet hasn’t exploded, so I can still walk and drive.
overheard from a 2nd grade zoom today
Teacher: Ok now, what’s at the end of life
7 y/o: that’s a…. I mean, that’s a big… it’s complicated…
Teacher: I mean the word “life”
Industry heads warn the cost of airfare will continue to rise, at least if passengers keep whining about things like “doors falling off” and “having their luggage.”
When your chip basket is empty and your server’s busy.
HOW TO KEEP YOUR MOM OFF TWITTER
When I die and doctors perform an autopsy, they’ll probably find twenty pounds of stickers off of fruit in my intestines