Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

me: no thanks I’m a vegan

person handing me a baby: what

[being chased through the woods by a murderer]
Me: I CAN’T BELIEVE THIS IS HAPPENING

Murderer: What?

Me *showing him my Fitbit* I’ve done 10,000 steps

Murderer: omg lemme check mine

Relationship Status: Just asked the bag of Doritos laying in bed next to me if they had enough room

Such a double standard between men & women, like when men have sex with lots of women they’re “players,” but when I do it I’m a “lesbian.”

Your call is important to us, we’ll interrupt calming music every 30secs for the next 20mins to remind you that your call is important to us

Growing old is a process of saying “it’s probably nothing,” with increasing frequency and increasingly being wrong.

Realize this:

Sees Sasquatch’s foot impression in the ground.

Grand Duke: I’d hate to see the creature that’s attached to.

Prince Charming clutching huge glass slipper: crap

I said something about the 1918 influenza and my friend’s like “that’s how Edward Cullen died”

One time I wanted to avoid all the PTA moms, so I told them my cupcakes were store bought.

RIP cat who thought sunglasses would stop Medusa

“I love potatoes! They are delicious and so versatile. If only they could get me laid…”

-how vodka was born

Boss: we’re going to our cabin on the lake this weekend
Coworker: you guys have a cabin ON the lake?
Boss: Ya?
Coworker: must be wet hahaha

I’m a people pleaser, unless you don’t like that. Then I’m not.

British people tell you that they live in a real country and then introduce you to someone called the Marchioness of Cholmondeley

How come when gods have sex with mortals none of the offspring ends up just being something like a really good accountant?

How my 7 year old plays board games:

Rolls a 6.

Counts to 6.

Moves his piece wherever he wants.

9: Have you seen my harmonica?
[flashback to me smashing it with a hammer]
me: Did you look under your bed?

My wife and I had a real Fairytale wedding. A wolf killed her grandma during the ceremony and then we ate stolen porridge from some bears.

I saw an Indian asleep on the train, noticed the little red dot on his forehead, and thought, “Is he on standby?”

Daughter saw old clothes I’ve saved for sentimental value & said ‘I bet you cried when the last dinosaur died too’. She’s out of the will.

*slides $5 to the funeral director*
Maybe you can get me the widow’s phone number?

If you made me mad in the 90s, I’d pickup up the landline while you were on the internet

I love that old Revolutionary War saying about shower sex “Don’t shoot until you see the soap in their eyes…” or something like that.

My daughter has decided she now eats dark chocolate, the one treat I never had to hide because I was the only one in the house who liked it.

Nothing is sacred.

If you say “anyways” instead of “anyway,” that’s alls I needs to knows abouts yous.

People who blame autocorrect for their mistakes are just finger painting

This summer, West asked, point blank: “Dad, is Santa real? Tell me the truth.” And I told him & said he could now help carry the flame of Christmas magic for younger kids. He seemed proud. Last night he put it to use. He said, “Give me ice cream or I’ll tell maison about Santa.”

me: dating is hard

me on a date: wouldn’t the koolaid man be full of sheetrock since he busts through walls without a lid

I’d like to do more voiceover work if anybody’s got a lead or anything. I sound like a freaky guy and am famous for accepting payment.