Like watching a full length movie – but in just 27-seconds…
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Reporter: Is there anything you can do to make people hate you more?
Rodger Goodell: Coldplay is doing the Super Bowl halftime show.
Hey nice try, people named Tristan. Or I should say Stan Stan Stan.
Everyone seems so happy for you until they realize your baby carrier is just filled with mozzarella sticks.
to get my cat to eat, I tell him about all the hungry cats in Catfrica
What’s the name of the phobia for a fear of opening your mailbox because there might be a wedding invitation inside?
Your preoccupation with Hugh Jackman, Hugh Grant and Hugh Laurie is irritating. Why do you have to make everything about Hugh?
I’m not gonna wear uggs or crocs or any other shoe that sounds like a noise my body makes involuntarily.
*Stands at produce aisle
*Grabs GIANT zucchini
*Holds it high in the air
*Yells:
Is THIS cucumber big enough for you, honey?!?!?!
ME: have you seen my keys?
WIFE: check your pockets
ME: nope
[phone rings]
ME: hello?
CIA: check your other pocket
My son gave me the ultimate Mother’s Day gift: he just brought out all of the cups & dishes from his room & filled the kitchen sink.
I’m so blessed.
Ironic
So I go to McDonalds & I’m ordering my food & the car behind starts honking their horn bc I’m taking to long to order. So I go to the 1st window and paid for my food & theirs too. Then I got to the 2nd window to get my food and took theirs too.
Most high pressure job at the Euros is definitely the guy engraving the trophy live in the stadium. If that were me I’d panic and chisel in ‘SPONG’ or something
Stop filtering your teeth on your selfies goddammit they can be seen from space
A Fitbit is just a tamagotchi, but the creature you have to keep alive is yourself
Science says 99% of dust in your home is flakes of human skin but in my home it’s mostly microscopic potato chip crumbs.
[First day waiting tables]
Customer: do you have wings?
Me: *flaps elbows* no, just regular arms
“No. No birthdays, Christmas or modern medicine.. But you sure do make great friends going door-to-door”
*Door slams
– Jehova’s Witnesses
I just clipped my little toe on patio furniture. Prayers needed for my husband who rearranged everything without telling me.
Cashier: Have a great day
[goes to cashier’s home in the evening}
Me: I have bad news
You can tell a lot about a person by how early their neighbors call the cops on Thanksgiving.
“How do you speak with an American accent?”
“Well, imagine vowels killed your parents, and you’re out for revenge.”
I stood on the scale with one leg in the air and still weighed the same wtf.
“It’s gonna taste really good.” – excerpt from the guide What To Expect When You’re Expecting Pizza
Sure my haircuts weren’t always great, but Mom did the best she could while also frying bacon, talking on the phone and smoking a cigarette.
you got a fast car
I got a plan to jump in front of it
Friend nagged me for TDKR OST. Renamed Backstreet Boys song and mailed them to him. Fun.
***BREAKING*** sneaky teens trying to buy booze severely misjudge their height – 300ft trenchcoat behemoth said to contain 57 people
When I find myself in times of trouble, I think of Lady Catherine de Bourgh, and endeavor to conduct myself in such a way that would meet with her severe disapproval.
Not interested in your mayonnaise-based holidays