Like when you make a mistake on your paper so you use wite-out but then it gets all chunky and busted and worse. That’s concealer in your 40s.
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Is it normal for a cat to get smarter? When Max was a kitten he was really dumb but now he reads at an 8th grade level
“My first wife didn’t have a gag reflex”
Wow that’s amazing
“Yeah she never laughed at any of my jokes”
I don’t go camping. I can’t sleep at night knowing I locked my front door with a zipper.
What was that movie where the guy shrunk his kids then told his wife about it
I did the universal sign for “call me” and my tween gave me a confused look and asked “on a banana?”
Age 10: I want to be a baseball player
Age 20: I want to be a writer
Age 30: I want to be happy
Now: I want to disappear in a corn maze
When I was in court I heard a Magistrate singing some Ed Sheeran, so I hired him for my Wedding.
But at the ceremony he did his own material and was terrible.
Which goes to show, you should never Book a Judge by his Covers.
Executioner: Any last words?
Me: Sparn
Executioner: Ok [throws switch] Wait, what does that mean
Me:
Executioner: WHAT DOES THAT MEAN GOD DAMN IT
If anyone is looking for a nice restaurant that has a great menu and very polite staff, check out the one I went to with my parents and my sister in 2014. Can’t remember what it was called but it had a lovely ambiance and we were all very satisfied with our meals. Recommended 👍
Autocorrect changed ‘lover’ to ‘liver’ and that’s ok because I need one of those too.
After a long day at work I sat on the sofa in front of the TV.
Sensing I was stressed, my 7 year old sat next to me, smiled, and held my hand.
It’s nice and everything but it was my phone-holding hand.
Police Officer: i will arrest anyone who had a hand in this
Puppeteer: [visibly sweating] oh no
My autocorrect changes cunts to China. Hey don’t blame me. I’m not the racist code programmer.
Parenthood is just chauffeuring a bunch of people you don’t want to chauffeur, to places you don’t want to go, at times you don’t even want to be awake, to do things you don’t want to do, for prices you damn sure can’t afford.
Accidentally sent a guy a 😉 instead of a :), now one of us is probably pregnant.
I never over sleep in the mornings
I set an alarm, a back up alarm, and a 4yo once those fail
I think people would be more into libraries if you didn’t get your card revoked every time you climb to the top of the bookshelf to reach for an ancient spellbook thereby knocking one shelf into another and so forth in a domino-like fashion until the entire library is wreckage
It’s unfortunate that our feet can’t taste things because there’s so much potential in flavored socks and crocs.
CDC: Clean commonly touched surfaces
Wife: I don’t meet these criteria
New mom: any advice?
Mom 1: sleep when the baby sleeps
Mom 2: eat when the baby eats
Me (who has no children): check your email when the baby checks their email
Monster mom: Is it a GIRL?
Monster dad: Is it a BOY?Midwife: It has 12 fingers and 4 toes. Just be grateful you created a monster!
She’s a cosmetologist, bro. Astronaut stuff.
May my enemies all have to walk several miles in wet jeans
Some guy with hair said I was bad at descriptions the other day.
I like to keep my New Year’s goals simple and attainable so this year I have resolved to neither fly in a hydrogen-filled dirigible nor to become an ordained rabbi. I’m placing my chances of success at just north of 62.5%.
[Rain]
Earthworms: yes yes yes the prophecy is happening again, we will surface to the top and march on the sidewalk for no reason yes
One time I went on the Hulk rollercoaster and had maybe the best picture ever taken of me
my girlfriend of the past 6 months said the time has come for her to release me into the wild. i have awoken groggy, somewhere in a jungle, and i can hear the sounds of insects, a rushing river, and some very persistent hooting noises off in the distance.
You think you have it rough, try driving with two Pringles cans on your hands
Me:
JK Rowling: the Whomping Willow was gay