Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Up until five minutes ago I thought Coachella was a Disney Princess who made expensive handbags.

Her: So you wrote Amazing Grace about your ex?

Me: Yes

Her: And now you’ve written one about me! I’m so excit-

Choir master: Now we sing Adequate Rachel

Her: what

You’d think after 12 years of filming Boyhood someone would be like hey maybe we should make this good.

Asserting dominance by starting all my private DMs with “I hope this dm finds you well”

My supervisor said I’m worth my weight in gold so I’m eating these donuts to increase my value.

Just got rid of cable and now I can afford a mansion.

me: what do you want from me

wife: a divorce

me: i meant for christmas

*getting kicked out of bookclub*

me: please, all i need to know is how little the women are

I’m not saying motorcycles are dangerous, but the motorcycle section on Craigslist also has a lot of electric wheelchairs for sale.

The horror. The apostrophe’s.

My 6 y/o and I are pretending to be on the show Alone. We each get to pick 10 survival items. My first item is coffee and his is a whoopee cushion. I think we’re ready for the real show.

I keep sending TikTok clips to 18 and she keeps ignoring them. Girl do you know how many handstands you made me watch in the pool? You owe me.

15 men all vying for the chance to fight with one woman:
1. The Bachelorette
2. The American presidential race
Samsies.

My almost 2 y/o can now open our pantry door and that MF’er won’t stop bringing me cans of soup.

BOSS: What’s going on here?
ME: Dave’s mad because he specifically labelled his sandwich in the fridge and I accidentally-
DAVE: Not accidentally, on purpose!!
ME: ugh ok FINE. And I, “on purpose”, slept with his wife

I was in a very bad mood today. Then my 3 year old walked over, handed me a rock, patted my face and said “mommy, you’re perfect, here’s a present for you”. And I smiled.

And then I realized the rock was a cat turd.

A thick layer of mayonnaise on all your furniture will remove water rings from wood and unwanted guests from your house.

When I’m trying to walk around in my house: Tripping over shoes nonstop because kids leave them everywhere

When I’m trying to get kids out of the house: No shoes to be found, a barren shoeless desert, a tumbleweed rolls by

What level of dating is it when he asks ‘what’s your sign’ and you give him 2 finger guns and a pew, pew?

applebees is a word that starts off pretty tame but takes a dangerous twist

My six year old just hissed at me. I’m either doing this parenting thing right, or horribly, horribly wrong.

Netflix and scroll through the selections until it’s too late to start watching anything.

Why isn’t there a squirrel week, Discovery Channel?

washing mushrooms is the quickest way to figure out exactly how much dirt you’re okay with eating

Let’s give each other some bad writing advice!

Type “You’re not a real writer unless you” then let predictive text do it’s thing.

Mine:

“You’re not a real writer unless you are an expert in the middle east.”

Oddly specific.

Judge: I find you guilty of all charges

Neutron: This is some bullshit

Wait…. she had the Royal baby, walked out and showed it to everyone, then went home?! I had fast food yesterday and couldn’t leave the couch.

(meeting for naming cereal)
“List the ingredients; maybe we’ll get inspired.”

“Honey, bunches of oats–”

“I think we’re done here.”

look. life is bad. evryones sad. we’re all gona die. but i alredy bought this inflatable boumcy castle so r u gona take ur shoes off or wat

‘No you can’t have cake! Breakfast is the most important meal of the day. Here, eat this fried flour with butter and maple syrup.’ -Moms