Like when you make a mistake on your paper so you use wite-out but then it gets all chunky and busted and worse. That’s concealer in your 40s.
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The divorce rate is almost at 60%. How does Cupid keep his job with that level of failure?
Good cop: Just relax
Moody cop: OMG, you again? I hate you, but I kinda misssed you, why don’t you call anymore? You’re going to jail
Welcoming 2023 with the same energy.
My trainer says more push ups, but I can’t find them in my size.
Me on the 7th day of Christmas: hey I’m gonna run to the store. We’re out of maids a’milking
My true love: no don’t
Me: what? Why not?
My true love: just trust me
I answer with an automatic “Yes” each time my mom says “Oh, have I told you…?” I could miss out on something good but chances are slim.
PHYSICIAN: some truly wonderful news
CURED HAM: thank you so much doctor
Pardon me while I slip into something a little more… unconscious.
“Bro I hate my eyebrows”
“You serious bro?”
“I think they’re too big, bro”
“Bro, with your face shape, they perfectly frame your eyes. I would kill for your brows, bro”
“Bro :’)”
1 in 3 Americans, weighs as much as the other 2…!!
Went to WalMart today and still had all my kids when I got home. Next week, I’ll try harder.
My ex girlfriend has a tattoo of a shell on her inner thigh. If you put your ear to it you can smell the ocean.
My signature move is getting drunk before anyone can ask me to be the designated driver.
My Dad has accidentally bought 60 pairs of reading glasses off the internet after misreading the quantity of his order.
Boss made me put a nametag over my left bosom. I leaned over and said, “Now, what shall we name the other one?”
dutch is not a serious language
Just choking her is overrated. Fill the bed up with legos and choke slam her into the bed.
Deacon: Remember when you said you were open to ideas to get new members?
Pastor: Yes, why do you ask?
Deacon: How do you feel about knives?
Time for evil
If Usher ever worked in a theater, his nametag could be “Usher Usher.” I’m sorry for that joke but I’m actually addicted to the send button.
for $5 i will write “yikes” under one of your ex’s selfies
My Sister: My baby doesn’t sleep! The books say newborns sleep 16 hours a day!
Me: Unfortunately, some babies don’t read those books.
Just choked on a apple…
Bet a brownie wouldn’t have done that..
Who called it a wolf in sheep’s clothing and not a woolf?
MAR 14: Pi Day
MAR 15: Ides of March
MAR 17: St. Patrick’s DayMAR 16: middle child, left out as usual
On one hand, eating meat is bad for your body, bad for animals and bad for the earth. On the other hand, bacon.
Big shout out to the three people still trying to do jokes.
One of the advantages of being a man is that chocolate doesn’t control you.
Disadvantage: Sex does.
Relevant: Chocolate is easier to get.
Me: Mistakes my own hair for a spider at least once a day & screams
Also me: [watching Criminal Minds] I could totally be a cop