Like who are those little paper umbrellas trying to protect
You Might Also Like
Literally all I do as a librarian:
It’s asking for your password.
No, your password.
Not your library card.
Just type your password.
Not in the browser address bar.
Your password.
Your password.
No, I don’t know your password.
You’re right it’s probably our computer’s fault.
My 7yo son is running away because I made him write a few sentences. I guess I shouldn’t expect any letters from the road.
That awkward moment when the
Priest uses YOUR confession as the
theme for his sermon.Again.
Too many Christmas rom-coms, not nearly enough Halloween rom-coms
All I’m saying is if paper beats rock why are rocks used as paperweights?
Have kids so they make you buy stuff to make for their YouTube channel that doesn’t exist.
The fact that there are space cowboys implies that there are space cows and that’s why I haven’t slept in 4 days.
I’m what you might call ‘internet pretty’, meaning I’m really your dad.
Men in suits look really weird standing on the grass. Go back to the concrete buddy
“Everybody cut foot loose” – Russian version of Saw
CONTRACTOR: *shows up to my house with a paintball gun*
ME: You’re gonna paint my den with that?!
CONTRACTOR: *chewing cigar* You want it done right or done fast?
ME: *Considers* … come in.
I just asked my friend to come over and “play husband”. He’s gonna be pissed when he finds out we are putting together shelves from ikea.
[my wife wants an expensive audi]
ME: instead of buying 1 car for $60k we could buy 2 cars for $30k each
HER: *rolls eyes* oh sure, then why not 3 cars for $20k each?
ME: great point, could even do 4 cars for $15k each
[an hour later]
ME: how about 60,000 cars for $1 each
Be back in a few days. Gotta shave my legs for spring. But, before I go, what’s the best way to sharpen hedge trimmers?
when I die, mix my ashes with the potato salad at the wake. I want people to mourn my passing twice
Married 25 years, yet the wife and I still find things to talk about every day.
Just not with each other, obviously.
Standing outside your window holding an economy-size bottle of ibuprofen above my head.
Christian Bale named his son Burrito Bale when he could have named him Taco Bale. I want that noted the next time the conversation comes up about who’s the best Batman.
I’ve accidentally called someone on IG messenger before and my reaction was the same as if I had just been caught shoplifting.
The nine most terrifying words in the English language are: I’m from the government and my name is Dracula
Wife: Have you seen my razor?
Me: [with only one eyebrow] I have not
Got the invite to your wedding. Thanks! Sadly, your blatant overuse of illegible, ornate script fonts means I don’t know when or where it is
What do you mean, “I need space,” are you okay oh my god do you need me to come over and bring space
Whoever named the period of time before a funeral a “Wake” should never be allowed to name anything ever again.
My husbands pet name for me is “What did you do to the non-stick pan?”
Your dating profile said you were a night owl…..eat this mouse.
I saw a fat kid sitting on a seesaw all by himself. I stopped and waited for another kid to fall from the sky. I left disappointed.
“This is NPR.” Yeah, we know. You just spent the past 4 minutes whispering the news over a jazz saxophone solo.
GOOGLE USER: What are symptoms of skin cancer
GOOGLE: 20% off best skin cancer now
Do we still do thirst traps threads? I’m having a really good bellybutton day and it’s totally going to waste