Like who are those little paper umbrellas trying to protect
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I have entirely too many new bruises for someone who isn’t getting laid
No one comes off looking worse than the third party who was asked to interfere in a couple fight.
At a business meeting:
“How about SuperCupid?”
“No, expectations will be too high”
“GreatCupid?”
“Lower”
“Uhhh, OKCupid?”
“Brilliant”
My doctor asked me how much I weigh like anyone keeps track of that. Idk, Mark. Like 7 tires? 16 squirrels? Is that what you want to hear Mark? 87 ducks!?
Me: *stopping* Siri, reroute to kitchen, there’s a traffic jam.
Siri: Step over the dog.
[New Job Diary]
Day 1: They all seem very ni-SOMEONE TOOK MY LUNCH MY LUNCH IS GONE SOMEONE STOLE MY-oh wait nvm there it i-MY STAPLERS GONE
and to my great grandchildren i leave 42,567 screenshots
Cop: can I see some id
Me: *gives him a napkin* keep the change
Cop: are you high
Me: yes sir
Three thousand years have passed. Mia’s son has merged with a sandworm and rules the wastes of Genovia as a god
*2:47 am. i roll over, nudge my wife awake & whisper*
i’m thinking of asking my buddies if i can call them my apostles
Bailiff: State your name for the court
Hr: Clara Sofía Alba Constanza Guadalupe…
Judge: That’s enough I want to get out of here b4 lunch!
The English are truly the most remarkable people to ever exist. They traveled all across the world and saw food from every culture, and were just like “no thanks we already have beans on toast.”
Drink to remember.
Drink to forget.
Tweet while drinking,
Wake up with regret.
bitcoin? isn’t that how people checked if gold was real?
Just so we’re all clear since there’s a lot of disagreement about birth years:
Boomer = Anyone older than you that you don’t like
Millennial = Anyone younger than you that you don’t like
Gen Z = Anyone younger than you that you don’t like and don’t understand
My kids broke the TV, tried to cover it up, owned up to it together, and are now inseparable. Apparently all it takes for them to get along is being co-conspirators in a cover-up operation.
I’m prepared for anything.
Pull the rug out from under me and you’re gonna find another rug under there.
I find that the secret to not being insecure is to just be better than everybody at everything while being incredibly good looking.
Just before a Subway employee starts making my sandwich, I’ll stop them and whisper, “Like you mean it.”
Keep hiring mermaids, but they don’t clean worth a damn, the place always smells like fish, and they leave scales everywhere.
When you’ve brought up your child to be kind and never take sides.
Husband: Who’s fatter – mummy or daddy?
Miss 8: You both are.
“Are you fine being hugged while you pee?” is a question someone should’ve asked me before I had kids.
I just shaved my armpits after such an extended hiatus that my razor acted as little more than a comb. Should have scythed first.
I wanted to get this and my friend said “what, like sarcastically?” and wow burn
Sorry I dropped you during the trust fall, I was going through your phone.
Not messing around
If you’re worried that technology will take over remember humans develop technology & we’re surprised how hot it is in the summer. Always.
Her: “were you thinking about me?”
Me: “of course”
My brain: *I don’t think i’ve ever pronounced “croissant” the same way twice, in my life