Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Our friends have canceled our dinner plans 3 nights in a row …. I’m starting to think they really don’t like dinner.

Me: I thought you said you were taking these boxes to the garage

My Husband: Yeah, at some point

Our 7 YO, from the other room: That means she wants you to do it now!

its wild how some kids are so free with other new kids with brief torrential friendships on a playground. imagine grown ups just walking up to each other like “HEY, ADULT” and then you’re grocery shopping or doing your taxes together for an hour then never see them again

Since I moved into my house, my parents do this thing where they come over so my dad can work on a project but he always forgets a tool he needs so they just drink my beer instead.

I can’t run from my demons. The law clearly states I have to keep them until they’re 18.

My buddy telling me to invest in crypto I’m like dude I haven’t even figured out regular money yet

The ouija board message was “if you’re reading this, I’m already dead”.

this sky deity is putting off some real “nah, I’m good” energy

BATMAN: I was lost as a child and raised by bats
ANTMAN: I was lost as a child and raised by ants
SUPERMAN: I was lost as a child and raised by soup

Husband: What’s up with the notepad taped to your arm?

Me: It’s so I don’t forget to write down my tweet material.

H:

Me:

H: I think it’s time to take a break…

Me: Ok, I’ll miss you but I support your decision.

H: …from twitter

You know what else is terrible these days? Quests. They used to be an epic journey to slay a dragon and save the local townspeople. Now it’s just trying to find organic chia seeds in Wholefoods.

What they say:
Want a bite of my sandwich?

What I hear:
How much of this sandwich can you fit in your mouth?

ME: Diligently sanitizing countertops, faucets, door knobs, light switches, remote controls, phones, hands,

ALSO ME: Eating a piece of a Kit Kat I dropped on the floor because wasting chocolate? In these times?

What does a corpse and snow have in common? They are both cold and are hilarious to throw at unsuspecting children.

Don’t ask me for advice I still don’t understand what a 3D printer is.

SUPERMAN: *lifts an entire aircraft carrier*

THAT ONE GUY AT THE GYM: But what you really want is reps.

I had a dream that I was making an offer on a house and it came with 12 kids. I asked the owner “why aren’t you taking all your children?” She replied “I don’t like them.”

I thought dreams weren’t supposed to make sense.

c’mon!

If I say “Bloody Mary” three times in the mirror in the dark I get a free drink, right?

*watches nature documentary*

*moves my giraffe print pillows far away from my tiger print pillows*

I have an irrational fear that I’m accidentally making up words. I don’t want to be misunderstandable.

I’m gonna try this if it ever happens me.

it’s cool that your dog can fetch & obey commands but my cat can vomit on the bedspread so quietly that i don’t even wake up and you can’t teach that sort of thing

me: my pasta salad is cold

waiter: it’s meant to be

me: I think you’re cute too but let’s get this pasta problem figured out first

Why aren’t therapists on call? What, am I supposed to just wait a week to tell a medical professional that I’m suspicious of people in hats??

Give me a minute, I’m still fighting the urge to bless a stranger who sneezed

New hobby: Swap text for sponsored ads

There is no such thing as a “silly goose.” Any goose displaying anything but pure malice is trying to lull you into a false sense of security.

What’s it called when there’s a bunch of big dry leaves on a darkened path but only one of them comes tumbling towards you.

A rat. A rat is what.

I hug people I hate so I know how big I need to dig the hole in my backyard.