Like you’ve never thought about giving Adderall to a turtle.
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My alphabet soup is full of typos. Go home Campbells; you’re drunk
Gonna put watermelon on my pizza just to start a Twitter uproar
My husband and I take turns unloading the dishwasher, but I usually rerun it or pretend it’s his turn. He does the same, so basically, the dishwasher hasn’t been unloaded in three years.
Wait – my gym moved?
In 1997?
[anniversary text]
H: miss u already. don’t get too lonely in that hotel suite w/o me.
M: *soaking in hot tub, sipping 4th mimosa while eating chocolate covered strawberries* who dis?
Sometimes I follow ants carrying food to the nest just to see who puts the groceries away.
*personally visits the 7 friends who continually trap me in a rather chatty text message group & punches each of them in the face*
Asked my son if he could go anywhere in the world, where would he go? He said, McDonald’s. I said no, like a country. He said, OHHHH okay…McDonald’s in Japan.
jesus, what did this guy do
[creating seahorses]
God: give em little horsey faces
Angel: aww cute
God: fish lookin bodies
Angel: ok…wait, really?
God: curly-cue tails lol
Angel: this is confusing
God: oh yeah? make males carry the eggs til they hatch and explode outta their pouch
Angel:
God: POP
If someone asks if you’ve been crying just say, “why… do you want to watch?” and it will weird them out enough to leave you alone
Missionary so I can look him in the eyes and ask him why Ashley from work is texting him with heart eyes.
My grandfather poured his blood, sweat and tears into his career.
Amazing man. Horrible chef.
I hate when I go to the gym and someone’s doing yoga on the napping mats.
[jail]
Me: what are ya in for?Cell mate: Cannibalism. You?
Me: I licked ice cream at the store and put it back in the freezer
Cell mate: wtf man that’s sick
This nice guy next to me on the flight just offered to switch seats so I could sit next to my family.
“Oh they paid extra to have someone sit in between us so they don’t have to be near me.”
I’m pretty sure he didn’t realize it was a joke, and the flight is really tense now.
Love will tear us apart. Also, bears, wolves and some other woodland creatures.
I just finished a 5 year relationship. Luckily it wasn’t mine.
Forced to use Axe Shampoo & Conditioner this morning and now my hair is high fiving people and calling them Braaaah.
I mean, I’m smart, but I’m no Alfred Einstein.
saw a couple walking into trader joe’s and the girl said “wow look at all the pretty flowers” and the guy replied “oh yeah it must be flower season” please pray for him
Maybe she was just being paranoid, but Wendy couldn’t help feeling that she was being monitored.
Well, well, well, look who is who he says he is.
~The guy with the blue check by his name.
Girl I wanna be strangely inside you just like the ‘meow’ in homeowner
That must be a pretty powerful blow dryer if it’s causing them to slow down
WHAT YOU SAY: Hi, my name’s Timothy but you can call me Tim
WHAT I HEAR: Hi, my name’s [DEAFENING STATIC] but you can call me ‘mate’ until one of us leaves this job
Whenever I have to sign something to send back to my kid’s school, I always worry they’ll think she forged it even though I try to use my best “grown-up” penmanship.
“can you explain this gap in your employment history”
yah i was a toddler
I need a Magic 8 ball so i can find out if I’m drinking today or if I’m re-shaking it until i am
A fun thing you can do when making a larger purchase like a TV or refrigerator is to ask if it’s snake proof, and immediately follow it up with “the fact that you’re hesitating is concerning to me”