Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Waiter: What kind of mustard, sir?

Me: French please

Garçon: Pardon, quelle sorte de moutarde, monsieur?

Newsreader FACT: John Snow started his career at an Eskimo news channel but was let go because it took too long to introduce him.

If you pronounce the word vase like “voz” I’m gonna want to punch you in the foz

My dating life can best be compared to credit card companies that send you a million applications and reject you when you finally apply.

The Welsh language was invented by a dad losing at Scrabble.

Magician: “Think of a number.”
Me: “Okay.”
Magician: “Are you thinking of a number?”
Me: “Yes.”
*the crowd goes wild with applause*

Mom: When I was your age I never had sex
Me: Mom, I’m 32
Mom: Exactly

*Geography Bee*

Judge: “Tell me about Yemen.”

Me: “Chandler said he was moving there when he couldn’t breakup with Janice on Friends.”

If people ever criticize you for being too short, they are literally saying that the worst thing about you is that there isn’t more of you.

The best way to meet new women is outside a sex change clinic.

wanted: shrödingers cat

dead and alive

Who called it a “backpack” and not, “the sexiest way to deliver bees to an ex.”

mugger: gimme your wallet

me: me or her?

mugger: I don’t care

me: *looks at date* I mean I did pay for dinner

I love playing catch with my dogs when I’m drunk, because I don’t have dogs when I’m sober.

*puts pancakes over eyes like cucumber slices*

Twitter should have ” Throwing tomato” button.

Had to quit my Uber Eats job, turns out they keep track of how many orders you report “flew out the window,” and “all of them” is too many.

[standing in front of Stonehenge]: is this all it does

LIFE HACK: Answer your phone “Hello you’re on the air” and 99% of the time people will just hang up.

This could be us, but you weedin’.

Coworker sneezed, and said “Oh my. I don’t know where that came from.”

I’m no Scientist, but I’m pretty sure it came from her nose.

My CW just barked.

Ok, it may have been a burp, but I’d like him a lot more if he were turning into a dog, so I think he barked.

Yelling “wooooo” when the singer says the name of your town is what separates us from the animals.

No, your baby was definitely crying before I dropped it, that’s why I dropped it.

you’re not fooling anyone

My kid is having lasagna for breakfast.
Omg I’m raising Garfield!!

Vacation is just your wife not liking any of your restaurant suggestions closer to the ocean.

My oldest boy struggled with the lighter when shooting fireworks, but my 9 year old mastered it quickly, I don’t know whether to be proud or concerned.

Sometimes I worry about my daughter getting the wrong ideas about romantic relationships, but as we were eating, I overheard heard her mutter “I’m gonna marry this burrito,” so…nah, she’s good.

[F*R*I*E*N*D*S]

ROSS {barging into Monica’s apartment}: OMG Rachel and I were walking along the San Andreas Fault and it opened up and swallowed her!!

MONICA: How could you let that happen, Ross?!

ROSS: WE WERE ON A BREAK