likes 853 pics in your media, don’t make this awkward boo.
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That awkward moment when someone says “stop”, and you don’t know whether to respond with “collaborate and listen” or “hammer time.”
Coworker: Can you keep a secret?
Me: Nope.
I told my waiter the same thing i told my plastic surgeon. Give me chicken breasts.
idk why doctors only give stickers to kids?
like hello i was also brave today
My cat has been looking up at the corner of the ceiling and hissing at it for the past 30 minutes in other news I just put my house up for sale.
My daughter: Can we stop for ice cream, and then not get any for John?
Me: Stop being awful to your brother. Someday you might need a kidney.
Her: Mom, you know how much water I drink. I will never need that.
Adds what I’m about to eat to my grocery list
takes a bite
Removes it from my grocery list
When I call back Domino’s a second time to let them know it’s been over an hour and my pizza still hasn’t been delivered.
MAN: I’ll get pasta & she’ll have the salad
COW: What’s that mean?
MAN: Uh-
COW: I’m fat?
MAN: … You’re a cow?
PIG AT NEXT TABLE: Ooo
My IUD provides me with 99% birth control effectiveness, but my husband’s dirty socks on the floor comes in at an impressive 100%.
My 8yo: A kid at school is always mean to me.
Me: What do you think is a good way to deal with it?
8yo: We should probably call the FBI and run surveillance on him.
Mouse
Everyone thinks they’re brave right up until a goose starts chasing them.
Tequila, because sometimes you and your toilet need to hug it out.
My Mexican friend is lactose intolerant. No whey Jose.
Surround yourself with people who want to give you money.
If you get a present from me with scissors and a roll of tape trapped under the wrapping paper, I’m gonna need those back.
They say swans mate for life but I bet if I gave a swan enough tequila I could totally get it to cheat.
Me *buying alcohol*
Him: I need identification
Me *pointing* wine, vodka, beer, whiskey
Him: I meant you
Me: I’m Jon
[first day in prison]
me: I was told to join the meanest, most violent group in here so I was wondering if you guys had a spot open
guard: what
“Love me do” is my favourite Beatles song written by Yoda.
I replaced the glass in my bathroom windows so the tree outside can see exactly what I do with toilet paper.
You know what paper is? I yell
Turns out there are very few midnight trains and “Anywhere” isn’t an option, you have to pick an actual destination.
I’m sick of people not taking me seriously *Throws jester hat down in disgust*
If a coworker has two apples in his right hand and two oranges in his left hand, what does he have?
No chance of blocking an uppercut.
If the grocery store didn’t want me to climb shelves then they wouldn’t put things so up so high.
Judge: So, you don’t know how the victims blood got in your car?
Clown: In my defense Your Honor, there were 46 other passengers in the car
just learned from my mom that my brother is contributing so heavily to chocolate milk sales at the local supermarket that they’ve requested to be notified when he leaves for college so that they don’t overstock
boss: your drug test came back clean
me: then my dealer’s got some explaining to do
boss: what
me: what
My toddler is screaming because I won’t give him an apple off of the counter, but what he refuses to acknowledge is that is not an apple.
It’s an onion.
My toddler is crying because I won’t let him eat an onion.