Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

(trying to explain what adulthood is like to a kid) you know in sims when you put a guy in the pool and then you take all the ladders out.

It’s the freakin’ weekend, baby, I’m about to cancel some plans

[Little Caesar’s meeting]
“We need a new, clever slogan”
*everyone looks at Jim*
Jim: Um… Pizza…Pizza?
“Jim…U just saved this company”

The Revenant bear attack scene only it’s me trying to get out of volunteering at my kid’s school.

Breaking news:

yeah i ate the last 10 donuts, i don’t like a cluttered counter

If you ever ask me what my favorite of something is, it is guaranteed that I will forget everything I’ve ever loved, mumble some nonsense and run away.

[NYE]

ME: *wearing 2017 glasses*

OPTOMETRIST: *rubbing his temples* Stephanie your eyesight may be bad but you really only need one pair

I passed a library which is strange because I don’t remember eating any libraries.

If you get the Wordle in 5 while a toddler is screaming at you it counts as getting the Wordle in 1.

I’m going to be a printer today and just not work.

*lowers car suspension to look more gangster*

*takes 12 minutes to ride over a speedbump*

I’ll totally stroke your ego while you’re replacing my windshield wipers for me ’cause I’m nice like that

Fish must think we look so weird with both eyes on the front of our face.

[Boss stands at my desk] Can I see you in my office?

[I stare curiously] You can see me here, right?

i love nyc i was hungover beyond belief and watched the nypd arrest 2 or 3 fake timothee chalamets this afternoon. perfect sunday.

I love when British people call it a “rubbish bin,” like my kitchen trash got a monocle

if u think ur house is haunted get a cat. whooshing sound? it’s the cat. hear footsteps? def the cat. unseen being devouring your soul? cat.

I feel so envious when I see young mothers pushing their babies in strollers. I want my OWN…..my own stroller & someone to push me.

13: so I’ll only have this asthma for a little bit?
Me: yes
13: so this is like, Limited Edition Asthma?
Me: ☠️☠️☠️ 😂 SEASONAL it’s seasonal asthma

If you yell mosquito you can slap anyone in the face

You can’t scare me. You’re not my child telling me that she’s tidied my bedroom and that there’s a surprise..

Do kids still eat Tide Pods? I forgot to buy candy.

A dead goose is called a ghoost

Coming out of the dressing room at a store…

Me: What do think?

Husband: I like the pants but not the shirt.

Me:

Husband:

Me: But this is my own shirt that I have been wearing all day 😐

A stunning example of cloud iridescence, caused by small ice crystals scattering the sun’s rays, filmed in Narathiwat, Thailand.

Credit: Orawan Thongchinda

Life in your 40’s:

Friend: Come on…have a drink with me, it’s Saturday night!

Me: No thanks, I have to work Tuesday.

I’m at my parenting best when I randomly yell out “be careful!” every few minutes without looking up from my phone.

Two guys in the airport bar are amazed a margherita pizza has no alcohol in it and they’re the reason you can’t leave bags unattended.

Daily ‘Facts About CHEESE’

Fact About Cheese #3:
“String Cheese. Is not made of string.”