likes 853 pics in your media, don’t make this awkward boo.
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[funeral]
ME: [giving eulogy] we lost a man, but we gained a corpse
[playing pictionary]
Her: A circle..a ring…a diamond ring…a diamond engagement ring…OMG YES I’LL MARRY YOU!
Him: Its a door knocker.
also my go-to takeaway order
a pizza is basicaly a real-time pie chart of how much pizza i am going to eat
Her: I feel a special connection between you and I.
Me: I think you mean between you and me.
Her: I don’t mean either now.
Wife: I’m home.
Me: [reading the Bible] hey Babe! did you know First Corinthians chapter 13, verses 4-7 states love is patient, love is kind-
Wife:
Me: [still reading ] -it is not easily angered, it keeps no record of wrongs…
Wife: what did you do?
I was raised as an only child…. it totally pissed off my siblings
The only time I’m happy that I’m short, is when I’m laying down in the bath and my whole body is covered
Studies show people lose interest in a tweet right about now
My dad just asked me if Nicki Minaj is claymation. Didn’t have an answer.
The only time my ex will ever scream “DEEPER, DEEPER” is when they are lowering my casket into the ground.
My husband kidnapped me for a romantic weekend away. Now I’m just lying here wondering when I’m getting out of the trunk.
What kind of deranged lunatic gets home from a long night at the bar and eats a piece of fruit?
I was a stay at home kid for the first 12 years of my life. I don’t think I’ll ever financially recover from it
Minister: Should anyone present know of a reason why this couple should not be joined in holy matrimony, speak now, or…
Me: I’m so glad you asked, she still hasn’t returned two of my favorite Tupperware containers.
Cop: I clocked you going 90 in a 45. What’s the rush?
Me: [embarrassed to admit I’m just really excited to watch the new season of The Great British Baking Show on Netflix] I HAVE A GENERAL DISREGARD FOR THE LAW PIG MAN
Instruments were designed to be actually played, not “air played,” Kirk.
Me, alone in a soundproof room within another soundproof room: *slowly and carefully tears open candy wrapper*
Kids: WHATCHA EATING?!?
Y’all realise that you can play a joke on someone without it being April 1st? Like no one is monitoring this!
I have questions??
me: that teaching babies to eat airplanes will destroy us all. one day we’ll create a baby large enough to eat real airplanes and be unable to either destroy it, or explain the horror that sating it’s desire for num-nums would unleash
date: …neat. my greatest fear is spiders
My dead husband has to report for jury duty. He just can’t catch a break.
“As per my email…”
Ooh, someone’s absolutely livid.
Me: If you love something you have to let it go.
Wife: Get your own bag of shredded cheese
They say “keep your friends close and your enemies closer” so if I offer you a piggyback ride just know we have beef
Crush: what u up to
Me: about to take a shower and listen to music
Crush: nice, what kind
Me: *nervously* one with water
SOMEONE IS AT THEIR HOUSE!!!
– dogs
Do not let children style your hair. They are bad at it and everyone will roast you for looking ridiculous.
my dad deserves an award for the amount of times I’ve had to call him this year and say “im fine but my car isn’t”
[at the mall]
“I’ve lost my son. Can you make an announcement for me?”
“Sure, what’s his name?”
“Xander.”
“See, that’s why he ran off.”